Rhett & Link Quotes, GMM 1052-1155 (not complete)

(July 2 2017)

GMM 1-186, GMM 187-369, GMM 370-521, GMM 522-667, GMM 668-815, GMM 816-968, GMM 969-1051

SEASON ELEVEN

GMM 1054: R (singing) "Kiss me through the phone."

GMM 1065: R “Bib me!”

L “I love a good rack.”

L “Okay, this is gonna be a little weird. I’m not gonna watch you.” R “Well, hold on. I will say there was that time in eighth grade where we were both in the same room kissing two different girls and we made eye contact, you remember that?” L “I remember you timing it and telling me how long it lasted afterward, but-.” R “No, I was making out with Amber and you were making out with Anna, and I, like, open my eyes and I saw you, (laughs and points) and I was like, mmm, turned away very quickly.” L “I just wanted to see-” “I wanted to see who was, if you were done or not. I didn’t want to get done first, just like right now.”

L “I’m having a crisis of-” R “This feels so wrong.” L “-life right now.”

L “Top that, Casanova!” R “It was such a mistake to watch you kiss!”

GMMore: R “I look like a demented football player. I look like a renegade kicker. Like, ‘he’s just a kicker, but he’s crazy!’” “I’m a kicker. I play the guitar on the sidelines.” “I’d like to be a crazy NFL kicker.” “If I wasn’t an internet comedian or a paleontologist, my third choice would be NFL kicker, you know? They live and die by the kick.”

“I like the tick,

I like to have the rhythm when I’m sleeping and I kick.

I’m a kicker

in the NFL.

I been doin’ it for a really long time,

and I sleep at night with my makeup on,

and I’ve only got

one ball

cause (of?)

flexibility is important

if you wanna dominate in this league. That’s me.

I’m a kicker.”

GMM 1068: R “I like using championship as a verb. I’m a fan of that.” L “Rhymes with trippin’ shippin’.”

L “Willaston worms are the gweatest worms in the world.”

R “How have we never been to this thing, Link? It’s in Louisburg!” L “I don’t go to Louisburg. People are weird there. They like to whistle.”

GMMore: R “We did a ‘Don’t Google That’ recently and it was Ballerina Feet and I was looking at the comments and people were like, ‘guys, if you tell us not to google something, we’re going to google it.’ I just-I know there has to be people like you in the world in order-I-there has to be a spectrum. There just has to be a spectrum. I know that that’s just how things work, but if you’re on that part of the spectrum where that’s the kind of comment that you make, just reevaluate things before you comment. Just think for a second, ‘maybe they intended this to be sarcastic. Maybe I shouldn’t make this comment.’” L “Rhett.” R “That’s just all I’m asking. I mean, just, you don’t have to listen, but just maybe you should listen.” L “Rhett.” R “Yeah. Sorry.” L “It was me. I left the comment.” (R laughs)

R “Chips and salsa, I mean, I could just sit by myself for a really long time doing this.”

GMM 1071: L “Next up we have frozen mustard, like frozen custard except, uh, well, it’s just yellow mustard, and look at how yellow it is. ” R “And look what we wore today! We look like the spokesman for frozen mustard! Step right up! You spill it on this shirt, doesn’t matter as long as it hits the right stripe!”

L “I’m a middle-aged mustard man, myself.” “You know you’re pressing hard when you can sever a finger with a spoon!”

R “Old men, they like hard cheese and strong mustard.”

GMMore: L “Deep fried mustard ice cream! Pretzel crusted mustarded ice cream!” “Step right up and get your busboy juice!”

GMM 1073: L “You’re gross, man. Your romantic talk is weird.”

GMMore: R “Say things that make sense, man!’ L “Do something that make sense!”

GMM 1074: R “On Monday, we announced our very exciting announcement about our book! ‘Rhett and Link’s Book of Mythicality’!” “The subtitle is ‘A Field Guide to Curiosity, Creativity, and Tomfoolery.’ It’s all about living the mythical life and we put a lot of ourselves into this book.”

GMMore: R “...it started as a small idea, like ‘yeah, we should do something, we should do a book, it is the thing to do, right, YouTubers are doing books, yeah, we gotta get in one that game,’ but once we got into it, we just were like, ‘oh, this is turning into way more, this is turning into the book we thought we would write five to ten years from now-” L “When no one cared.” R “Yeah, exactly. (laughs) We didn’t think we would do something that was so based on our stories and was such a autobiography and memoir approach and that’s just what it became because in order to talk about our different aspects of mythicality in our lives, we had to talk about the stories and the experiences that contributed to that so that’s what the book became…”

L “But it felt great to be doing something for the first time again at my age.”

GMM 1076: Michael/VSauce: “You can’t drink from a book.” L “Yes, you can. You drink knowledge!”

GMMore: L “Taste the memory, is the slogan for-” Michael/Vsauce: “Pork brain smoothies, yeah.”

GMM 1078: L “There are few things in life more valuable than finding a place to sit and do nothing, I mean, we all love to slouch in a couch, to daze in a chaise, to be ineffectual in a sectional.” “I’ve never seen a magician without his shirt tucked in.”

GMMore: L “We here at our desk do not like to move to go to our couch. We like to have the couch brought to us.”

GMM 1079: R “And this specific food hack inspired by the movie is for all the dreamers out there, who count their sheep before they sleep, but when they awake in the morning, they realize that their dreams, like lambs, have been slaughtered and turned into meatballs, it’s La La Land Meatballs, everybody!”

L “If your kids are lost, you should stop playing games and look for them!” “It’s breaking out into song in my mouth. (singing->) I taste like a lamb.” “Dink it and nominate it for mouth purchase.” “Ryan, you devil you. You’ve outdone yourself, Mr. Eva Mendes.”

R “Oh come on, look what you did to my boy! What-” L “I censored him.” R “Why would you do that? This is a man, when women see him on screen, their eggs just get deviled right there in the theater.”

GMMore: L “Conquer your fears by doing things that aren’t too stupid. We celebrate that.” “You’re too young to make things plural that aren’t plural. That’s an old woman thing.”

GMM 1081: R “He’s almost hurt me so many times and injured me so many times that I’m not surprised, but Chase, you okay?” Chase “I think so?” L “I’m surprised you didn't say more than you said!” Chase “I was trying to be nice for the fans.”

R “Your ball, your nut.” “High and to the right, consistently.”

L “Oh, I chewed up some of those green things. Those are like nutty seeds.” “I’ve cracked the case! It’s nutty seeds!”

GMMore: R “We quit asking questions a long time ago.”

L “I think I’m definitely a flash-and-smile-and-twirl-my-hair kinda gal.” “Sippy-sip time, boys!” “I like to think of myself as a lil’ cray-cray.”

L “You’re not fit, man.” R “True.” L “You’re not unfit. I mean, you’re fit to be an internet comedian.”

L “Tell me what you want, what you really, really want?” Stevie “Uh-huh.” L “I wanna, ha, I wanna, ha, I wanna ziggy-zig ah?”

GMM 1082: L “Rhett, if you were not an internetainer, what would you want to be?” R “A paleontologist.” L “That’s right. I knew that. So you want to be a studier of stuff that’s been dug up.” R “Well, specifically, fossils, not just anything. I mean, I have my tastes, my preferences.“

R “I need to be wearing my beige outfit, my beige onesie. That’s what I wear when the paleontologists are watching.” “Kids, that’s how you do good in school!” “Are y’all watching? I’ll put the beige on if you want me to!”

GMMore: R “Man, getting buried alive would suck so bad. If this was dirt? What a way to go! That’s why I’m not in the mob. That’s why I don’t cross the mob. Mob, I know you’re watching. I’m not gonna cross you. You can have a cut of our business at anytime.”

GMM 1083: R “Is it a product?” Mayim “Isn’t everything?” L “So, yes.” “Just like everything, it is a product.”

L “You’re actually feeling dimensionality?” Mayim “I am.”

L “When in doubt, stroke it out.” “It feels great to do nothing and be hilarious!”

R “I’m a genius!”

GMMore: R “You look like a superhero that no one would want to come help.” Mayim “With the power of the crinoline!”

R “That’s clairvoyance. That’s what that is. I’ve always assumed that I had it especially for, you know, household products.”

L “My daughter is about to be 14,” Mayim “She’s my target audience!” L “and she’s gonna get your book.” Mayim “‘Cause she’s strong, smart and spectacular!” L “She is, and reading the book will only help.”

GMM 1085: R “Today, we dance the pain away.” “Touch the membrane, Link!”

R “What was your song about?” L “I don’t know. Energy. It was intensity!” R “It wasn’t about a woman going through her Apple Notes about what she was going to do for the day, to a cool guitar?” L “No.” R “Well, mine was!”

R “Cool club. You come here often?” L “First time, man.”

R “Codependency in the club.” L “Yeah, well it’s survival of the funkiest.”

R “We gotta take that group on the road, man.” L “Yeah.” R “I mean, that’s the best thing we’ve ever done.” L “And then leave ‘em.”  

L “There you have it, Laura. So, get you one of these suits and some other friends in their suits. It won’t be weird at all. Your feet won’t hurt.”

GMM 1086: R “You’re a chicken expert, man!” L “I’m a chicken genius! You’re finally a genius at something!” L “I’m good at something!” R “We should play a song!” L “I wanna thank Rhett for being here for this. I wanna thank all you guys, Chase for feeding me, I wanna thank all the chickens in the world for sacrificing yourself for the fryer for me, and for all my friends, free chicken sandwiches for everybody today!”

R “What are the chances? All the stars are aligning! Link, you need to try something difficult today ‘cause you will succeed. Your lip balm is aligning with your chicken. What else could happen?”

GMMore: L “I got chicken tuition. That sounds like I’m putting one through college. I meant chicken intuition.”

R “Don’t get too bun-y, now.”

R “You ever had a double decker McFish?” L “No, I wouldn’t dare!”

GMM 1089: L “Today, let’s move at the speed of conversation, shall we?” “If your orange is black, don’t eat it anywhere, much less a shower.”

R “We are in the age of the shower orange.”

L “Like, anything that where I’m immediately cleansed after being dirty, it’s like, I’m into that!” R “That’s why we like bidets so much!” L “Yeah! I don’t like to have sustained dirtiness, but” R “Who does, really.” L “there’s something euphoric about getting dirty, right?”

GMMore: R “But now, I don’t have any fruit trees. I feel fruitless. My life is fruitless now.” L “The shower orange thing has really made you existential.”

L “Think about the beauty of the orange, as a thing. Like, just think about rollin’ up on one of these things if you never knew they existed.” “You’re robbing yourself of a happy moment.”

GMM 1096: R “Turtle meat, that was my nickname in high school. There’s a little turtle meat. That’s what they said when I was coming, when I was on my way. ‘There’s a little turtle meat. Here he comes again!’”

 

GMM 1098: R “You’re such a good slicer!” “Pop on the far side then rake across.” “Don’t touch it! I’m the slimer!” “I’m a cake genius!”

L “Oh yeah, look at those numbers just flying off the edge, man!” “I feel like I’m dialing the world.” “Gimmie that Crayola rhythm. Not a sponsor.” “Stripe it, smooth it. Stripe it, smooth it. Spin it, stripe it, smooth it, lick it. Spin it, stripe it, smooth it. I wanted to try it, but now I’ve changed my mind!” “Never seen anybody eat a spun cake like that before.”

R “You give me a countdown. I’m gonna blow your mind.” L “99.”

GMM 1106: R “It makes me so happy to eat things.” “And I know creaminess is a texture, but it feels like a taste in my heart right now...” “We look like we’ve had quite a Friday night.”

L “The flavor’s weak, man.”

R “I mean, we’re professional tasters. We’re trying to bring the truth to you. Sometimes that means making a sacrifice. Sometimes that means just opening up your hatchet and just throwing in some,” L “Your hatchet.” R “-some seasoning.” L “That’s a knife, man. That’s like an axe!” R “Your hatch! I like to call mine a hatchet ‘cause it’s a small mouth.”

GMMore: R “I feel like I’m just enjoying all the chips of my life!”

GMM 1112: L “I’ve never smelled anything that made me wanna punch myself in the face!”

R “Don’t let the smellicorn swing! That’s the number one rule of having a smellicorn hanging between yourself!” “We excreted all of our wisdom juices right onto the pages of ‘Rhett and Link’s Book of Mythicality’ and you can waft it right into your shopping cart…”

GMM 1113: R “Give everything a chance.”

R “I’m descending into the gorge.” L “Go into the gorge!” R “I’m going down! Belay me!”

GMMore: L “Well, you’re doing great, cookie! Keep it up!” Colin “Alright, alright.” R “You just called him, ‘cookie’?” “You guys spend time together after work, long enough to give him a nickname like ‘cookie’?” L “I don’t know why I called him ‘cookie’. I thought it would butter him up so he could keep drinking.” Colin “Made me feel great.” L “You lookin’ good, cookie!” R “I’m uncomfortable.”

R “Cookie’s being quiet. Cookie hadn’t made a noise yet.”

GMM 1114: L “This is just like I dreamed it would be.”

R “What have you learned, Shepherd?” Shepherd “That it’s good to eat nachos off of people.” R “That’s right. These are the lessons that we teach in the McLaughlin family.”

GMM 1121: R “I thought you said you’d never had a Dunkin Donuts sandwich before!” L “I haven’t.” R “How do you know what the outside tastes like?” L “Sometimes you just know.”

L “Am I a partial genius?” R “I’d say you’re an academically gifted breakfast student.” L “Academically gifted breakfast student for the win!”

GMMore: L “This is a breakfast smoup.”

GMM 1123: R “Did you bring a horse in?” L “Nope, it’s me.”

R “You should just know I’m having more fun than I’ve had all day.” L “Jello, jello!” R “No, I’m having more fun.” L “Well, I know. You always have fun with jello!”

L “Let’s get poppin’.”

R “Popcorn?” L “Close.” R “Oh! Corn corn!”

L “What can we do with this skill we’re developing? Like, can we open a business of listening to people chew?” R “You think we’ve demonstrated skill?”

GMM 1124: R “Okay, now let’s become women.” “I always wanted to say that to you.” “I’m attracted to me.”

R “I look so hot!” L “What on earth?!” R “That’s what could have happened, man! You could be that’s best friend.”

R “It doesn’t change you, man!” L “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

L “Harry Styles looks like a hot Miss Piggy!” “When in doubt, blame the neural network.” “I made myself a woman and I became Allison Williams!”

R “This is me.” L “Well, yeah,” R “No.” L  “that’s you.” R “That’s me run through the Spark filter once.” L “Oh. I guess I just gave you a really good compliment.”

R “Who is that?!” L “I don’t know, but she’s going to the prom!”

L “A fully sparked Steve Buscemi.” R “Wow! You’re welcome, Steve!"

GMM 1125: L “They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, but while you’ve been staring lovingly into the eyes of your lover, your feet are down there saying, ‘Hey! I’m the floor to ceiling soul window right here! I have a soul, and I’m a foot.’” R “Oh, I get it.”

R “You got rid of your foot blanket.” L “I trimmed it, and I just kept going all the way up.”

R “Okay, I’m going to be doing a lot of foot touching, just so you know, and if you’re into that kind of thing, don’t tell us that you are in the comments. Okay, just stay here quietly and enjoy yourself, okay?”

R “We used to wrestle, remember that?” L “No. Uh, we’ve never-oh, I didn’t mean to do that.” R “We went through, like, a UFC phase. We would UFC each other in our dorm room.” “We’ll talk about that later.”

R “My foot looks like one of those, like a foot sticker!” “I have an iconic foot, man!” L “You got a freakin’ foot cave!” “There’s like bats hiding under there.” “Stay out of my foot cave.”

R “Pre-kids, I was a strong man.” “I know a little thing about your feet ‘cause as a child, I remember they called you ‘Flat Foot Neal.’” “Flat-footed people are the life of the party!”

L “Narrow feet mean you enjoy being pampered.” R “That’s true. I love a hot tub.” L “You tend to be good” R “I love soft clothes.” L “at delegating tasks.” R “Oh, yeah, I get you to do everything.” L “And then I get Chase to do it. You desire beauty in your surroundings.” R “That’s true.” L “Which explains my presence.”

L “You spend too much time bending over backwards for someone in your life. If that someone is me, don’t change.” “Do you bend over backwards for anyone in your life?” R “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’ve learned to deal with you.”

R “I’ve been meaning to tell you all about my personal problems.” L “Now’s the time to do it.” R “On this show.” L “Just gush about it.” R “Now that you pointed out my curly toe.”

L “Don’t touch that one.” R “Why?” L “That’s the one thing in life I can’t stand when somebody grabs that toe. My kids do it to me and they know I can’t stand it.” “It’s like pinching a butterbean, man.”

L “I’ll own it. I am the boss.” R “See? This toe and my toe bending over sideways, bending over backwards for your bossy self.”

GOOD MYTHICAL SUMMER

GMM 1146: R “It’s time that you face the fact that the world is a dark and chaotic place and your body can’t be trusted.” L “Oh, my goodness.”

L “It’s gonna be so haptical, it’s gonna be happenin’.” “Let daddy, let daddy out of his chair.” “Daddy had trouble getting out of his chair!”

R “I wasn’t a scout, did one day in Cub Scouts, too hard, you had to do stuff to get the badges.” “Oh those garlic fingers.” “Ol’ garlic fingers.”

R “You’re gonna have to rub my nose, and you’re gonna have to be okay with it.” L “I’m not, it’s weird.” “I don’t even like to rub my own nose.”

R “Why do your fingers stink so bad?” L “You don’t wanna know.” R “Your fingers smell like you stuck them into a garden of garlic.”

R “First of all, do you wanna be daddy or garlic fingers because you gotta make a choice.” L “I wanna be Daddy Garlic Fingers.”

GMMore: L “I wanna support you in all of your creative endeavors, but I currently don’t know how creative you are.” “You’re so creative! You know what, you’re a great person. You are.”

R “Daddy Garlic Fingers just slapped me.”

R “Look at me in the eyes. What did you have for breakfast?” L “I wonder if it works through the internet.”

GMM 1155: R “I feel like a crab boy!” "Don't tick me off at a party, if I got a Splayd. I just learned something about myself. I'm a deadly weapon." 

R "My Aunt Merla loves to bring her jello to the family reunions, but you know what she also likes to do, 'cause she's legally blind, she likes to, and she's losing her hair," L "Oh my gosh." R"a lot of times, she ends up with a few hairs in her jello." L "A few?" R "Yeah." L "That whole dark spot in the middle is-" R "Well, it's gotten worse over time." 

L "Fake dink it and real sink it." "Bring your soup, have a party." "Do it horizontal. I don't care."

R "You don't eat horizontal sometimes?" L "No, Rhett."

SEASON TWELVE