Home of Rhett & Link fans - the Mythical Beasts!
(Apr 20 2016)
GMM 523: L “Good Mythical Morning to you all!”
GMMore: L “Did you love ‘Saved by the Bell’? Did you watch it every week, religiously? I did.” “Swoop swoop on the doop doop.”
R “You take Keith Urban’s hair and put it on a soccer mom and it fits.”
R “Hashtag Urban soccer.” L “I gotta wash my crotch.”
GMM 524: R “I say to the future, ‘Welcome future, I’m glad to be a part of you and I look forward to riding this wave right into the future, future.”
L “When your pants are smarter than me, there’s a problem.” R “That’s when you know you’ve arrived.”
“I don’t want my fork to make me feel guilty for eating, though.” “I’ll be repositioning this crotch material, why don’t you like and comment on this video!”
GMMore: L “Welcome to ‘Good Mythical More’ which I’m going to do shirtless from now on.”
R “You know what this is? It’s like a clown’s brain.”
GMM 525: R “Here’s to you, Vanilla Ice!” “‘What’s that in your hand?’ ‘It’s my hedgehog, baby.’”
GMM 526: R “Contrary to popular belief, a narcissist is not a cyst that is narci.”
L “A narcissist is defined as the response that a person in the deep south gives when asked ‘is that a mole?’.”
GMMore: L “...we inflate the image of ‘Rhett & Link’ as a brand, but we don’t take it personally. Like, we speak of ‘Rhett & Link’ as if it’s a thing and it kinda puts it on something so it’s not just, like, ‘I’m building you up today’ and vice versa.” “There’s a reason why we interview people before we hire them. Because we don’t hire narcissists.”
R “Yeah, we don’t have, like, a session where we build each other up. Maybe we should.”
GMM 527: L “Who knew that the best way to communicate with millions of people was through a cookie?” “Put your print where your mouth is!”
R “We’re on a donkey kick.”
GMMore: R “Oh, I’m charming? I didn’t know.” L “Modesty is enhancing your charm.”
R “What are the chances that I don’t have a future, guys?” L “The days of your future have passed.”
R “This is what the game is, ‘does Rhett have a future?’!”
GMM 528: R “...Sometimes you just don’t expect something to be double-awesome!” “It was the peak of my existence. I don’t think it gets any better than that.”
L “Mariachi band and a bounce house, there was no actual bouncing, but it was still very much something I will remember the rest of my life.”
GMMore: L “There are feathers in bubble gum. I don’t know if you knew that.” “Little Link, she called me.” “I feel so good about myself for once. I usually feel okay about myself. It’s not a pity party. I just feel great about myself.”
R “You are great at blowing bubbles, but sometimes you tell me things like this and it makes me think, ‘Link needs to be in therapy.’” “We’ll call this ‘Good Mythical More: Men chew gum.’” (to L->)“You’re like a master! You should have your own YouTube channel. ‘Bubble Man.’”
GMM 529: L “Whenever I go to the disco, I expect lots of poutine!” “See? I’m culturally sensitive. Join me as in my world tour!”
R “You’re right, Link! You’re the official ambassador to Cheesistan!”
GMM 530: R “You find something that you’re passionate about and you find something that you’re talented at, and if they’re the same thing, bingo, that’s what your YouTube channel should be about.”
L “That’s the stupidest rationale for cologne I ever heard. You wanna smell like a burnt cigar?” R “No, like a Cuban man.”
GMMore: L “I like lentils. I have a weak spot. I predict that I am going to love some Boondi. I might name my fourth child ‘Boondi.’” “You’re feeding yourself as if you were a horse.”
GMM 531: L “When I’m in a grocery store and I’m going down the aisle and then, all of a sudden, it’s like, I feel something. I turn around and there’s somebody staring at me, some old man grabbing the Fruit Loops. Like, why is that dude grabbing the Fruit Loops staring at me?”
R “He’s staring at me. I felt it and my hair stood up, man!” L “Your hair’s always standing up!”
L “Rhett? You there?” R “Yeah.”
L “Now say ‘hot for teacher.’” R “Hot for Ms. Locklear!” L “Shsssshshss. Something wrong with my camera. It just shsssshss’d.”
GMMore: R “Well this would be a good show. Welcome to ‘Good Mythical Morning!’” “If you can’t see the camera, the camera can’t see you.” “We’re proving science again!”
GMM 532: R “I might have punch this guy if he did this to me.”
R “Would you pay to see this? I’d pay for it to stop! I mean this as a compliment. I could see you doing this.” L “What, ‘cause I’m not afraid to go up to people with creepy baby dolls and [they] crawl on their head?”
R “Drink the coconut juice. Lick it off of the ground.” L “Bow down and worship my high-waisted sweatpants.”
GMM 533: L “Step right up, get yourself your deep-fried lemon! Available only at Crispy Town! Get yourself a iced cold tea with a piping hot fried lemon wedge!" "Fried lemon pie at Crispy Town." "We got some dancing wheat grass over here at Crispy Town!"
L "We both kissed it! We both independently kissed it!" R "Part of the sales pitch!" L "Every lemon wedge personally kissed by the Fry Daddies."
R "It's the only thing at Crispee Towne that's not crispy, is the toothpaste." "You hear about Crispee Towne this year? They got deep fried toothpaste, they keep your hygiene up, man."
R "Ugh-a! Hot!" L "Your IQ was checked at the door when beginning this exercise, which is appropriate." "A lot of food establishments focus on food, not at Crispee Towne."
GMM 534: L “I wasn’t thinking about spitting on the president.” “All I’m trying to say is how close I was to the president, if I popped a ‘p,’ some of my DNA might would have hit the president.”
GMMore: L “But, no one’s allowed to take pictures out the window into the Rose Garden.”
R “I took a picture of George Washington's’ china because, think about that, he’s the first president!” L “I know, but what are you gonna do with that picture?” R “Show it now.”
GMM 535: R “I’ve been meaning to tell you that I thought that we should die on the same day, just to see if we can work that out.” L “Well, you’re going five hours earlier. Is that the deal?”
L “If we weren’t doing this, what we’re saying is that we may not be friends anymore.” R “Right.” (laughs) L “Well, I don’t know if that’s true. We certainly have a stronger friendship because we’re working on this together.” R “No, we would still be friends.” “We’d have shared hobbies.”
R “Your mind works in interesting ways.” “I wish there was an easier way to say ‘spoiler alert’!” “Two guys, one guitar.” “We should go to a fair together!”
R “Two guys who are in business together should wear matching hats, A, and this makes me think we should have a side business like Crispee Towne!” L “So, this is the start of the Crispee Towne uniform. It starts with a duct tape hat!”
R “I just made a weird noise with my chair and it sounded like a fart.” L “Hey, this is our show. We can fart it up!”
GMMore: L “Read the letter, my bro! Can I start calling you ‘my bro’ like, that’s what Pewdiepie does?” R “Please don’t.”
R “That’s my new life motto: Be an Oprah. Be an Oprah or make friends with an Oprah.” “You want to be Gale. You want the benefits.”
GMM 536: L “Don’t pee on a battery. I don’t know if anything will happen, but don’t try it.”
R “Urine poured inside of a shoe can be used to start a fight.”
GMM 537: L “Today, we channel the happiness. Working title for the show if we ever change it: ‘Channel the happiness.’”
GMMore: R “I currently collect, it’s not too big of a collection, but Hawkman memorabilia.” L “I mean, I collect Merle Haggard records. Feel free to mail those to me, in any condition!”
L “So your poop represents your possessions and the act of pooping represents a loss of control.” R “Yeah, so all those little movie tickets are just your little turds-” L “I don’t still have them, by the way” R “Oh! You let your turds go!” “So my Hawkman collection up on my little shelf up there is just turds.”
GMM 538: R “I hate the world. I hate that we exist” “I can take magma that turns into lava, & I can swallow it, 'cause I'M NOT A CHUMP!”
L “Take your glove off, stupid.” “Every breath out is like time travel into a stupid, stupid place.” “You can be anybooodddyyy” “I’ve got a, right here, a cauldron of torture.” “I feel like my right nipple’s gonna spout fire. My left nipple, fine. Right nipple, fire.”
GMM 539: L “On yesterday’s episode, we both consumed the hottest pepper in the world and thanks for your concern. I wanted to just give an update and say that I don’t think I will ever fully recover from what happened.” R “Well, I can personally attest to the fact that eleven hours after Link and I consumed the pepper, I was up and about, I was up and at ‘em. Link was in the fetal position on a loveseat.” L “With like, clammy sweat, pale skin, promising to myself, and to God, that I would never do that again.” R “If they make a hotter pepper, I’m gonna eat it!” L “We’re okay. Thanks for your concern.”
L “I did get my haircut. Thanks for noticing.” “What kind of world do we live in where Harry Potter can’t get a dinosaur for more than a few months but Snooki’s got one.”
R “Link, you are the dinosaur king.” “Linksterasaurus Nealadactyl.”
GMM 540: R “...we had a good friend named Gregg who would get some premium stuff and one time, he got some premium Edy’s ice cream and we had the communal Walmart ice cream and we just got really excited one day. We ate half of his Edy’s ice cream, then we looked at each other and we were like, ‘we gots to fix this.’ We took the Walmart ice cream and we put it into the Edy’s ice cream and we smoothed it over the top. Now, the difference is, the Walmart ice cream was really yellow and the Edy’s ice cream is really white so when he opened it up, he was like, ‘you punks ate my ice cream!’ and he threw a soccer ball at us.” L “That was an amazing day…”
R “Top trash will take care of it.” L, Both “Put that on a t-shirt!”
GMM 541: L “I like sausage in general, but something tells me that I'm not gonna like these sausages.""It tastes... like it’s hanging down there. You can’t copy me, No. I took a stand, you can’t copy me.” “Tasting things so you don’t have to.” “You can die a slow death, little woman, because the Bingo Woman is meee!”
R "I taste the hornage."
GMMore: R to L“If you can get a bite-sized piece of that into your stomach, I will respect you endlessly.”
GMM 542: L “We’re gonna make your shorts sag by talking about things that can kill you that you didn’t know.”
R “Icicles are deadly ice swords that impale people in public.” “That’s what the history of mankind is all about is: putting yourself out there, risking your life for a little grub. That’s is human existence, man. So somebody who gets killed by a vending machine is just carrying on the tradition of humans.”
GMMore: L “We don’t condone popping bottles in the club, by the way.”
GMM 543: L “How do entertainers know when they have reached true celebrity status?” R “When they’ve had sensitive photos leaked.” L “No. When they have perfume or cologne made after them. I don’t know anything about leaky photos.”
L “Ladies and gentleman, I present to you our Rhett & Link official cologne, which also doubles as barbecue sauce because that’s what’s in here, I call this ‘Spray bQ’.”
R “I smell like a chicken nugget now.”
GMMore: R “I had an idea one time to have a cologne, seriously, that didn’t make you smell like barbecue sauce but made you smell like you’d been cooking on a grill.” “Team up with Lil’ Wayne. I be grilling. Oh, grill. It comes with a free grill, I’m talking about in the mouth.”
L “Wear it anytime except when grilling because that’d be overkill.” “You can use it as as lighter fluid, too.”
L “Man walking in smelling like hamburger. ‘Manburger.’” “‘Brisket Boy’ is for boys.”
R “For the ladies?” “‘Slab.’” “‘Slab’ for women, ‘Brisket’ for the boys, and ‘Manburger’ for the men.”
GMM 544: R “We need to undervalue IKEA furniture, we need to celebrate waffle day, and we need to have five week vacations. I think we’ve learned a lot here.”
GMMore: R “It smells like the worst fart ever!”
GMM 545: R “'I wish I wish upon a star to fly with dragons in a land afar.' No, sorry that was wrong. 'I wish I wish with all my heart to fly with dragons in a land apart.’” "Softball coach Link."
R "Well, don't make a man cut his own cake!" L "What I can't do is cut cake and talk to them at the same time. I don't think you want me doing anything with a knife if I'm thinking about something else."
L “Now, if you had your skates on, we could do what we used to do in third grade where I would skate between your legs.” R "That was our classic move 'cause I was so big!"
L “I know what the mouth is.”
L "And I've done something that I've never done before for you, Rhett. I have prepared something edible that wasn't coffee or cereal..." "Ladies and gentlemen," R "You made the pizza cake for me, Link?" L "here it is. I made you, along with the help of Lily, my daughter-" R "You are the best friend ever!"
L "Jalapeño pepperoni?" R “Like I just took a step into heaven.” L "Happy Birthday, man. You deserve it."
GMMore: R “There needs to be a ‘pillsbury.com/rhettandlink.’” “French oven is when you fart under the covers but you’re naked. (laughs) I don't know why I would say that."
L “Dutch oven.” R “No, that’s when you fart under the covers.”
L “This is the first thing I’ve ever made!”
GMM 546: R “‘Bubble & Squeak.’ That’s what they called us in high school.”
GMMore: L “I thought ‘sorted’ meant ‘crazy.’ It’s like ‘let’s get sorted in this club! Let’s get crunk! Let’s get sorted!’” R “I don’t think that’s ever going to catch on. ‘Let’s arrange ourselves by height in the club!’”
GMM 547: L “Have the chills with us today though." "I can do something and so can you, people. Think of Gandalf and think of me.”
R “Anytime you’re having a bad day, I gotta get a costume!” L “Rhett, can you be Gandalf for me, please?”
GMMore: R "I'm not kidding you. I'm just like my dad. People don't think this about me, I know this, but if I were to sit and watch an Eagle Scout ceremony and it was led by a someone who is compelling, not only would I shudder, I would cry."
GMM 548: L "Now, again, skittles, they're waiting to be spooned." "I'm not hungry for this." “Pete who? Who’s Pete?”
R “Skittles. Waiting to be spooned. Would you volunteer?” "The rainbow is leaking." “Skittle milk! Forget Skittle cereal! Skittle milk! Call someone right now!” (re-quoting Link->) “Just let me get my corn on.”
GMM 549: R “Don’t ask where the corn dog castle is! You should know it! I’m the janitor! I play the janitor! Do I look like I know where the corn dog castle is?” L “I’d rather get poked in the eye than get slapped by a cast member.”
L “There’s nothing more frustrating than not getting an answer from somebody who’s supposed to know.” “I think that they should have a ride that’s just, ‘Step right up and watch Jeb grow a beard! And eyebrows!’ Yeah, it’s like, I would pay five tickets for that, and they don’t even use tickets!”
GMM 550: R “‘Holden B. Huffman.’ Top three names, ever!”
L “‘Anything that cleans is clean.’ That’s what Gregg told me.” R “Gregg was wrong.” L “Gregg also said, ‘everything I needed to know in life, I learned in Kindergarten.’” R “No, he said, ‘everything you need to know, you already know.’”
GMM 551: L “Ain’t no chicken got time for that!” “What kind of dog wants to run at full speed in his backyard and keep hitting his own house?”
R “You know what happens in a chicken coop?” L “Learning!”
R “I’m dark.”
GMMore: R “So when you go to the bathroom, you’re getting into the zone.”
L “You see, I know belts, man.”
GMM 552: L “I don’t usually know of a burger that’s really pickle-heavy.” "There's a lot of burger in the mouth. Where it came from, I know not." "Burger Master!" “Yo, Burger-mouth in the house.” "We're both equally stupid." "A little special happening on my left cheek.”
R “How can you think that you’re so smart about burgers and be so dumb about them?” “Burger-mouth has no teeth.” “I got a little of the special on my lip.”
GMM 553: L “I actually like to eat dog food with milk!’
R “Anything goes in Tokyo. That’s why I want to go there.” “I’ve lost heart, guys.” “Hey, mom! It’s the ambulance, man. I found him!”
GMMore: L “Drop it like it’s an emergency!” “We call it the ‘Crap Factor.’” “Let’s make a bear together.”
R “I’d rather deal with people’s feces than their attitude.” “The kids make out with the heart.”
GMM 554: R “Do you feel emotions?” L “Occasionally. If I have to.”
R “I didn’t think you were human.”
L “I am very in touch with my emotions.” “I’m a human feeler, dude.”
GMMore: R “Outrun the horse cops!” (put that on a t-shirt) “There are people who go into one movie and walk into another movie.”
L “Leave me out of this.” “There’s people in the room who don’t just give a crap about us, but you care. That’s what matters.”
GMM 555: L "Oh my no's. No, no, no." R "You're preemptively barfing?"
R "There's like a pig that got loose in the pumpkin patch and then we cut his feet off."
GMM 556: R “Sometimes I just find myself.”
GMMore: L “You know what? We’re getting a phone call so we have to go.” R “Oh, really?” L “Yeah. You should go to the [Niagara] Falls and we’re gonna take this call.” R “That’s abrupt.”
GMM 557: L “I have enough perspective that my life’s good. Life is good. I don’t need to be peed on.”
GMMore: R “I am really into haunted houses, but I will also say that I’ve hardly ever been to any, because, my experience, at least the people that I have decided to walk through this life together with, that being my wife and Link, are not into scary movies or haunted houses and so I don’t do either a lot.”
GMM 558: L “When your kid has a moustache like that, you’re just begging to turn him into ‘Prince.’”
R “You got any tape? Tape dispensers? Give me everything! Give it to me! Gah, I want it so bad!” “Can’t get enough of it. This is like spaghetti!”
GMM 559: L “Now, don’t go with too much gusto or you’ll pop through, prematurely there” (R- put that on a t-shirt)
Both: R “If bread ever gets injured…” L “...don’t call us.”
L "When I die, I want to be o-lanterned."
GMMore: R “Squeeze a potato until it cries.”
L “Sulfur so good! I’m really full of that crap today.” R “Crap is a good word for it.”
GMM 560: R “Give me that sweet face, Link!” “Hey, they call me ‘sweet face.’” “Well, I like grape mustard. They call me ‘sweet face’!” “You look like a futuristic space woman!”
R “Hey, I got an idea now.” L “Hey, sweet face.” R “Just call me, ‘sweet face.’ Why do you call me that? ‘Cause my face is sweet! Taste it.” L “No, thank you.”
GMM 561: R “We are groot.” L “and then you grow roots?”
L “You gotta sweat a little bit if you want that candy.”
R “When I said ‘thank you’ to ‘Nartufoty,’ the lights flickered twice.”
GMM 562: L “I’ve made farts that sound more human than this dog.” R “If you can fart, ‘I love you,’ I’ll give you one million dollars and I don’t even have that.” “Mythical beasts, we are very exciting to announce the launch of the all new Camo mythical shoe!”
“My wife had a really big goozle, well, she was a man at one point, and she kept injuring me with it and then she removed the goozle and now she’s a woman.”
GMMore: L “I only started wearing a hat when we started making a hat.” “When it comes to infidelity, I don’t want a parrot involved in any way."
GMM 563: R “Do you say ‘what the heck’ a lot on your texts?” “What is wrong with you, Link? What is wrong with you? I don’t wanna hear anymore of your thoughts! You’re not super cute and funny anymore!” “Who floats in the morning?” “I’m a textpert!”
L (reading Rhett’s text) “Super cute and funny and cute and funny as hell.”
L “I get hungover again and again to get my nails done! Don’t you?” R “Well, no. I do something different.”
L “I got a motorcycle.” R “I saw that.” L “Me and her have been riding on the motorcycle together.” R “I saw that.” L “Me in the front, her in the back.” R “I saw that! I tried to unsee it!” L “There’s some room for you in the sidecar.” R “Nope.”
GMMore: R “My baby girl is so cute when he is not an option.” L “You take what you can get.”
GMM 564: R “Those Swedish people love adoption. I’ve always said that!”
L “...who pushes up their nose with the palm of their hand at all-” R “Barbara and Daphne do!” L “and then who, when they do that, calls it ‘squidging’?” R “Barbara and Daphne do, Link! Who squidges?” L “Squidge! Squidge!” R “That’s the new thing, man....” L “Sometimes when I push on the side...I’ll push on the side and my nose will pop.” R “What do you call that?” L “Squidging.”
GMMore: R “This is so great that we’re sitting here talking about people that you have no idea who they are! It’s just evidence that we’ve known each other forever!”
R “When you go to a country music concert and you dip a little bit.” L “Right, and you turn green like an alien.” R “Yeah.” L “Ugh!” R “Here’s to those times.”
GMM 565: L “Lasers!”
L “If you can relate to this testimonial, call the number on the screen now. 1-800-TacoSafetyForever.” R “1-800-TacoSafetyForYouAndYourRelatives.”
GMMore: L “My first day of work I didn’t show up because I broke my pelvis snowboarding two days earlier, and I had to call my boss and say, I’d never gone to work ever, and I was like, ’Uh, this is Link, I was supposed to come in on Monday but I broke my pelvis and I’m gonna be sitting on a weird pillow for the next two weeks.”
R “You think about everything, but you don’t think at all. That’s how I would describe starting your first job.” “You’re gonna fail, especially if you’re given something that you don’t know how to do. Just kind of embrace that and be willing to learn.”
GMM 566: L “I think it's pretty cool that people can make themselves burp. My eleven year old daughter is a master at it. I can't do it." "I can’t swallow air.” “I don’t know how to do it and I don’t want to be berated for it.” “This is the weirdest episode.” “I got some hair growing out of my ears like a grandpa.” "Ever since that Carolina Reaper, any spicy stuff makes me feel sick." “That should be the name of a song: ‘Dancing on the Edge of a Hiccup.” "My cheeks are starting to sweat. All four of 'em."
R “That was a hic-down. (laughs) Don’t laugh at your own jokes, Rhett!” "We cut your hair off and we're putting it in my ear, just so you know what's happening." "Maybe we proved some other kind of science today."
GMMore: R “Do not drink ether, it will kill you.” “So that’s how comedy works. The longer it’s taken, the more you laugh at it. That explains a whole lot.”
L “What happens in The Vegus, stays in The Vegus.” (first L, then both)
GMM 567: R “Rollerskating has been scientifically proven to be a great way to keep people sane when they’re underground.”
L “I’m sincere. My world is freaking rocked right now. Yours is about to be.”
GMMore: R “Hunnel. Sounds like a pet name in a relationship I don’t wanna know anything about!” L “Hey, hunnel!”
L "You don't need water when you have a bike and friends" “With your help, we can bring back Clearly Canadian, our childhood drink that we couldn’t afford!”
R “We are bringing Clearly Canadian back!”
R “This is like bringing our childhood back, man!” L “It tastes so good, guys!” R “You need this!”
GMM 568: R “I ate a few gallons of Play-Doh in my day, and I’m still here.” “Now, I’m going to move on and make a pea weiner, I mean, um, I’m going to make a hot dog out of peas.”
L “Let’s put the food where the mouths are.” “Your Pea-Doh weiner.” “It’s like a nice blonde woman’s hair if it were made out of dough.”
GMM 569: R “Whenever I hear that there is a movement going on, I am immediately interested and I begin to question whether or not I should be a part of this movement. And then, I’m like, if I’m gotta be part of this movement, you gotta be a part of this movement because we kinda move in parallel.” “Everything is always about poo poo.” “You gotta put the kids in one of those cabinets.”
L “I’m more into pilates movement.” “You can take a shower on the toilet? I’ve been dreaming about this.” “I bet if you sleep over a warm bathtub, you stay moist all night.”
GMMore: L “The more I think about this tiny home movement, it really starts to create a movement within me.” “I peed in the pipe from inside of the hideout.”
R “You were a squatter in a treehouse.” “They’ve turned our A-frame into an actual home. Sad days.”
GMM 570: R (singing) “No one wants to eat the cabbage. Talk about green stuff, talk about health, you got to get it and nothing else. It’s cabbage, just cabbage, oh cabbage, just cabbage.”
GMMore: R “Break me off a piece of that nut roll.” “Nothing like a bottle of ‘Clearly Canadian’ on a hot North Carolina day.”
GMM 571: R “Hey, it’s 2014. How long’s this show been around? It’s time for a new note and I’m bringing it to da house!”
L “Blue Men in the house!”
R “You look like a disoriented child!” L “Well, I know what it feels like to be born at my age.”
GMMore: R “My mouth is too small, but my heart is big and blue!”
L “I go by ‘Charles’.” R “When you’re doing business?” … L “I feel like I get more respect from my mechanic if I go by ‘Charles’ and not by ‘Link.’ ‘Charles’ is my first name, if you don’t know. ‘Lincoln’ is my middle name.”
L “That’s how you talk to a mechanic, guys.” “I’ma pay him in marshmallows.”
GMM 572: L “He is bringing rivulets of water all the way up his body, all the way up to his face, into his mouth.” R “That’s how I drink!” “Everyone should drink that way!”
GMMore: L “Don’t cough in a hot tub with strangers. You are naked.” R “Unless one of them’s a doctor.”
GMM 573: L “I feel crazy! I just wanna be released from these goggles! I don’t care who wins! Aahh!”
GMM 574: L “Try to shake a taco.” “Soft tacos are wannabe burritos but you didn’t know how to roll!”
GMMore: R “...tacos and burritos, either one.” L “No deserving human should have to choose.” R “You offer me one, I’m gonna take one.”
L “Burritos teach you self-restraint.” “Variety is the spice of life...” “You really got a good taco if it takes you on a spirit journey.”
R “And you can disagree with your friends without anybody’s feelings getting hurt. That’s another thing. Take that to school with you tomorrow.” Eddie “Put that in your tortilla and eat it.”
GMM 575: R “I pledge allegiance to your chest and the nipples of each side of it.”
GMM 576: L “The hormones that this thing churned are immeasurable.”
R “I can smell the pheromones.”
L “Who knew that the NSYNC anti-drugs totally match up with all of my hobbies, 100%.”
GMM 577: R “Are you afraid of my Pogono, baby?” L “ Don’t talk to baby like that.”
L “There’s nothing better than having a woman vomit into your beard.” “Never hold a baby over a beard.” “A slick cat slides into the afterlife.”
GMMore: L "No interaction I've ever had with a printer has been a positive one. I have never had a positive interaction with a printer."
GMM 578: R “It's like eating an old sponge." "Bananas are not poisonous! Nothing’s tainted!” “That was my nickname in high school: Chili-puller.” "Yours makes a lot of sense. Mine looks like an accident." "It tastes like bathwater."
L "Wow, you are animated!" R "Whoa! That's the worst!"
L “This is going into the SeaLand, the ocean.” "So, we sent Alex to the local Home Depot to sweep the floor when nobody was looking." "Liver king, liver king, liver king."
L "I thought that was your tooth! I was so convinced! The sound that it made! Did you hear the pop?" R "Ugh! That's just a chunk of wood, y'all!" ... L "I'm not gonna lose a tooth over this. I have standards."
GMM 579: L “...we think this is a fun thing...where we will be able to say, as mythical beasts, that we actually brought a product from our childhood back and maybe your childhood, too!” “Toast in unison across the globe? How crazy is that gonna be!”
GMMore: L “I want to hold that bottle in my hand and it will be like time travel for me to drink that thing...” “What’s in a Wonderball? A choking hazard!” “Chicken fries are back. This just in. Chicken fries are back at Burger King.”
R “I’ve done this, like, seven times in my life. Seen a commercial for something and gotten in the car to try to get it.” “I mean, when I become a grandpa, I’m gonna have something in the console. ‘Werther's Original,’ that’s what I’m gonna have.”
GMM 580: R “When you’re helping a damsel in distress, you say, ‘I’m Ham-Man, ma’am!’”
L “I’m a dark meat man, so I’ma do my dark meat plan.” “I’m Ham-Man.”
GMM 581: L “Now, the gag reflex is already kicking in, but I’m a really fight it cause I don’t wanna be known as that guy, anymore.” "Yeah, I'm the chicken Caesar!""Alright, let's open our mouths and pray to the bird gods." "I've never looked down there." "BTW, I'm your grandma."
R "This is not a happy Thanksgiving." "It's like bird gum." "(to Link) You're like a bird genius!" "Could be an ostrich testicle. Do they have testicles?"
GMMore: L "Oh, I was wondering why you've been hanging around us. We haven't been paying you. It's like, 'he's just here cause Eddie's here,' is what I thought." "There was one time that we gave an employee cash for eating, and we felt like that was wrong." "The things that have been in my mouth."
R "Birds have internal testicles."
GMM 582: L “Maybe. Maybe I got fixated. Maybe I got fixed.” “You keep thinking out loud. That’s good for everybody.”
R “Well… coffee is the blood of the coffee bean. And coffee is also the Venezuelan word for testicle.”
GMM 583: L “I live, therefore I fart.” (said he tweeted it). “I know what you’re laying down, baby.”
R “What’s your farting climate?”
GMMore L “We are sad, sad men.”
GMM 584: L “I sincere screamed for that one because I’ve always wanted to take a shower in the sky.”
GMMore: R (saying to himself) “Wow, he’s going anti-bacterial on me. That’s very, a little disappointing.”
GMM 585: R “If you’ve seen somebody in 2D, you see them in 3D, everything can change.”
GMM 586: L “Pancakes are for artists, waffles are for torturers of orphans.”
GMM 587: L "It's one thing to squeeze the melons, it's another thing to place the banana."
R “Is that some hermit crab doo-doo in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
GMMore: L "Smoke your gouda, it's so gouda for you."
GMM 588: L “This tastes like the periodic table excreted something.”
GMM 589: L “I know I have a chewing problem.”
R “If you have actually misophonia, you should probably stop watching now.”
GMMore: R “My mouth is not capable of volumes that yours is.” L “Volumes?” R “I cannot chew as loudly as you can.”
R “You’ve got compartments I don’t have!” “And that’s why every once in a while, women give birth to pigs, just like, every one in one hundred births is a pig child. The hospitals don’t tell you about that, they just send them to the barbecue restaurants. Let’s make a movie about that called ‘Pig Children.’” (crew member) “‘Baby Bacon.’”
GMM 590: L “You could go with grace or you could go with blunt force.”
GMMore: R “I got a squirrel in my backyard that’s has mange on his tail.” L “Mr. Nuts is tip-top, man. Ain’t nothing wrong with Mr. Nuts.”
GMM 591: R “The highlight, not of my life, but of my fourth grade year, Mrs. Everhart’s class, was the computer. We had a little Apple computer in the corner and the only thing we ever did on it the entire year was play ‘Oregon Trail.’” [”Everhart”: not sure of exact spelling, this is a common spelling.]
GMMore: L “I was just as smart as you in fourth grade!” R “He was, he was a smart kid, but for some reason, your mom thought you were stupid. She could have had her reasons. When kids are little, it’s hard to tell, you know?” L “No. No.”
L “Only shoot the animals you’re gonna eat if you can carry them to your frontier destination.”
R “You don’t like acapella at all. You have a thing against acapella music. You’ve made this very clear many times and I gotta say, I would never buy an album but I will enjoy an acapella concert just as much as the next guy because it’s in person.” “Just be cool, don’t say you’re cool. That’s rule number one about cool.” “I pity the fool that likes Pentatonix.”
GMM 592: L “Well, when you realize you don’t break a world record, that’s when you get blue.”
GMM 593: R “Hey, baby, I love your poop necklace.” “This was a Christmas miracle, Link, and you blew it.”
GMMore: L “Why did they yell? They’re yelling at the board. The board’s not listening.”
GMM 594: R “That’s what they called me in high school: ‘Bearded Ken.’ I didn’t have a beard, though.” “I want Big Bertha!...I mean I want her to be real, I don’t want her.” “I’m just a woman with a pudding thong. I’m here to save the day.”
GMMore: L “I’ve been on record saying that Batman’s my favorite superhero, but that’s not really sexy.” “...so I’m changing mine to ‘Plastic Man.’” “I love a good pudding.” “Dopeilfresh.”
GMM 595: L “Creative use of a nipple, I mean, I just gotta say.”
R “Hey, you shouldn’t be looking at surf booties at work, man. Not safe for work!”
GMMore: R “AwkwardFamilyMorphing.com.” “Bushy eyebrows are back in, ladies!”
GMM 596: L “My happiness quotient is through the roof.” “We recommend warming up your ‘Do-Nachos.’”
R "Love it. I love the donuts, George." L “Oh, the donut was so great. The black eggs on top were just exquisite.”
R “Sometimes, you gotta push the meatball, in life.’” “I can’t take him anywhere! He walked up to the buffet and then he vomited.” “I stuck my finger in your donut.”
L "Look at how much I'm shaking." R "It helps if you wiggle around."
GMMore: L “You are our holiday gift.”
R “If you run a donut shop right now, I want you to add the pork rind maple syrup donut to your menu and then call it the ‘RhettandLinker.’ L “RhettandLoinker, like ‘oink.’” R “Yeah, work on the name, but credit us, please. RhettandLoinkster.”
GMM 597: R "If you grew up at some point or are growing up-" L "then you're on the right track."
R “But Walt Disney is cryologically frozen!” L “Cryologically? Cryogenically frozen, just like Michael Jackson.” R “I made up a new word.”
R “I’m putting in my video Will. Please cryogenically freeze me.”
L “This is a new wheel because it’s a new season, y’all!”
GMMore: R “Do you know how I feel about things made from wood? I’m really into ‘em.” “You can’t throw a piece of wood around Costa Rica without hitting somebody selling wood.” “Welcome Becca!” “I want just a whole room full of wooden products.”
L “I can’t tell ya how many times I’ve been shocked by a cereal bowl, a metal cereal bowl.” “Season seven off to a good start. Feeling good, feeling right, happy, goodness, positivity.”
GMM 598: R “Windia. Put that on a t-shirt.” “You can’t help but run over a cow pie. I’ve always said that, and I’m not even German.”
L “‘Will It Camel Dong?’ That’s another episode.”
GMM 599: R “YEAH, DOCTOR!” “You look very constipated, very constipated. Please don’t slip one out.” “You show me a 6 and a half year old that can do 3 pull-ups.” “This is how old men run, Link.”
L “I’m sure we look pathetic.”
GMMore: R “Wife in a can is not something you wanna look up on the internet.” “I am as flexible as I’ve ever been, as flexible as I was when I was, you know, a baby, and babies, you can bend them all around.” “After I apply it, I do it.”
L “Stevie is the keeper of the softball shorts.” “Blur the curl.”
GMM 600: R “I’m going to 6000, and then I’m dying.” L “Well fine, I’m going to 6001 and then I’m gonna retire, but I’m not gonna die.”
L "Brian Williams, if you ever want to step foot in MY county..."
GMMore: R "You know what key it is, it's C!" "If you've been licking chinchillas, malic acid will have no affect on your tongue. It's been proven." "Oh, my flavors! That's a prank!"
L “Everything’s bigger in Texas including bibs!” R “You know what? Everybody who comes to the Cheeseball brings a bib!”
L "You might crazy up there in space, but you don't get that stupid. Do you?" "If an astronaut gets stupid enough to eat this in space, just cut the tether." (singing->) "I don't feel good and I'm gonna have to poop something orange big time later." “Oh, my goodness! I didn't expect it! That is so sour! Oh, my flavors!”
GMM 601: L “Look in the mirror, dude. Moustache issues.”
Dave “A minute. Who needs a full minute?” L “We don’t do this for a living yet!” Charles “This has been a weird day.”
R “He’s on the verge of becoming Amish and there’s nothing wrong with that! Oh, it’s Jebediah!”
GMMore: L “There’s gonna be fan fic about us and I’m not gonna read any of it.”
R “They got good coffee in that Nashville! Have you had the coffee?”
GMM 602: L “Hey, Enzo! Can you fax this document for me?” R “His ears perked when you said, ‘fax.’ Do you like to fax? You wanna get a fax machine? Do you think we should go into the dark ages and fax things?” L “He’s not a baby, he’s a dog, though. Hey, Enzo. I believe that you’re capable of faxing stuff.”
L “June, smell my glasses.”
GMMore: L “I know how to hold a newborn baby, but not a hairy dog.”
GMM 603: R “Hey, hey! You know what? I love watching that ‘Good Mythical Morning’ because I just sit there and embarrabask all about Link!” “Hey, man! Don’t be Webster on me!” “What you got, brother!” “Listen, junior! If you leave anymore residrink on our tables, I’m gonna make you sleep in the park!”
L “I hope you’ve been taking notes, people, because your vernacular is now spectacular!”
GMM 604: R “You did that thing where you don’t listen to me.” (to Link->) “You’re a sugar genius!”
L “Just call me Sugar Daddy. Sugarless Daddy.” (submitted by Millie the Magical Mangatyde) “Like opening a can of happiness. Pop the top on a can of happiness.” “It’s almost an insult at this point. Like, ‘What’s wrong with Sugar Daddy? He got no sugar left.’”
GMMore: L “I was like, ‘if I could get Rosanna, the sweetest person on the internet to cold-cock me in the lower-, to give me an uppercut.” “It’d be like a bedtime story for my lower GI tract.”
R “I would have paid to see that.” (about “Chocolate Starfish”->) “That’s too much information. I mean, you’ve nicknamed it? Really?” “Yeah, man. If you gonna cook that batter, you might as well just give me meat.”
GMM 605: L “Focus on the plan, not the exam.”
GMMore: L “Put your parent’s money where your mouth is.” “Clear the air by muddying the waters.” (put that on a t-shirt)
GMM 606: L “In the future, you will be able to open doors with your derriere.” “Everybody’s ears are different. I find myself looking at your ear a lot.”
R “Yeah, yours are little and covered with hair, which makes yours unique like a snowflake.”
GMM 607: R “Dear aliens, I’m an actor.” “They’re not called ‘space jordans,’ they’re called ‘air jordans.’’ “When you get a star named you, that’s what happens...Your cremains will be shot into space by me personally by space cannon.”
GMMore: L “Astronauts have their comfort.” “Orbital velocity of a toenail can just decapitate you. Fact.”
GMM 608: L “What’s with scientists and sleep?” “Scientists are sleepy people.” “I am in love with sleep. If I could do only one thing for the rest of my life, it’d probably be sleep.” “My wife, she’ll lay down and think, boy. I’ll roll over sometime and I can just see think fumes just coming off of her head.” “I just shut off all thoughts and get stupid.”
R “...and Link, in particular, he’s good at a lot of things, he’s not so good at other things, but if there’s one thing that he is a champ at, it’s falling asleep and falling asleep quickly...” “It’s called ‘Blondor.’” “I’m a knight. I ride a two-headed dragon.” “I went to Blondor. I accomplished quite a bit, became king...”
GMMore: L “I’ll play a little beat on the headboard with my fingers.” “Does me making a beat, does it disturb you? ‘Cause you haven’t mentioned it. Sends me right to dreamland.”
L “What do you think, Rhett?” R “I don’t think. I don’t think anymore.”
R “He’s playing the headboard again.”
GMM 609: R “Wood you like a log?” “Hey, I’m up here. Hello, I’m Rhettina. I’m a beautiful woman.” “Get a big pencil.”
R “Oh, sorry. I’m not used to being a woman.” L “You knocked over the chair with your bosom?”
GMM 610: L “I’m just trying to cover up for the fact that I’m addicted to Pinterest.” “There’s a lot of sweating that goes on when you wear a full duct tape outfit.” “I’ll put my feet in someone else’s back pockets.”
R “You spend a lot of time with half a boyfriend, you get a whole boyfriend, you’re like, ‘whoo, this is good, this is good.’” “Shirts don’t need shoulders and we finally discovered it!”
GMMore: L “We’ve never been great with the puppets, guys. Sorry about that.” “Your guy looks retired. My guy’s beautiful. I’m beautiful.” “So, I hear that there’s speculation that Becca is everything from my sister to daughter to... twin?” “I wonder if the puppet can babysit my kids.”
R “You can’t stop eating potato chips in general. It’s a fact.”
GMM 611: L “You know, my great great uncle died on the toilet. No, he was bit by a spider on the butt.” “Dude, getting your nails done is very relaxing.”
R “I’ve used ice toilet paper before and it’s a lot better than you think.” “I love the idea of just hunkering down and spending a lot of time in the bathroom.” “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been driving down the road and I’ve complained about how I got one brewing.” “There’s one time when I’m not attracted to my wife. And I don’t want to look in her eye when that’s happening. And I definitely don’t want to be looking in her eye when I’m doing it!”
GMMore: L “...I was just anxious to go to this shoot, and Rhett, you weren’t going to be there, so...You’re like my comedic security blanket…” “Jon Hamm starts beating me with a belt!”
R “Record your dreams. It makes your life better.”
GMM 612: L “Thanks for coming out to the G, the M and the M!” “He needs to be committed.” “A little dainty goes a long way.”
L “Chunk.” R “We are still Chunk.”
Lindsey “Our new plancing champion is Link, everybody!”
GMMore: Lindsey “It’s a German violin. Its name is ‘Excalibur.’’ “It’s about a hundred years old-” R “You’re kidding! Don’t let Link hold it. Listen, he’s ruined, he broke a guitar of mine in high school-” L “It should have a label on it that says ‘this is a hundred years old!’ Like, ‘Link, do not touch!’”
L “Rosin up your bow!” “You learn something new every hour with Lindsey Stirling!”
R “What else do you know? With Lindsey Stirling.”
GMM 613: L “How many times have you thought, ‘this pie is too dry’?” R “Sometimes I think it’s too wet!”
L “Search your hearts. There’s pie in there, cooling on the windowsill of your soul.” “Call me when cake gets a chart named after it!”
R “Is there a pie anywhere in the world that can match this shirt?”
GMMore: R “Ice cream cake is my favorite cake.” “Cakes can be fun!”
GMM 614: L “This is pretty much a dream of mine. A huge bowl of cereal. Frosted Mini Wheats.” “I actually touched hair to my nose. That is gross. That is commitment.”
L “It’s so conveniently eye level!” R "You're the first person that's ever told me that. 'Your armpits are so conveniently eye level!'"
GMMore: R "When you're by yourself, who tells you that the pedestrians are there? Because it's always me when I'm driving with you."
L “It is a shot adrenaline.” “...it goes to my hands because my hands are where all the vehicle control is. I’ve noticed this many times.” “...all the energy in my body is transferred to my hands and I’m getting goosebumps thinking about it. I love it!” “I scared myself by holding up a throw that looked like a ghost.” “I never feel safe when wearing pants.”
GMM 615: L “and then for the next two hours, I cleaned every screen in the house.” R “I’m glad I wasn’t there! Sounds like a great time!”
R “He’s in one of those moods. Cleaning screens again!” L “It feels so satisfying to have clean screens! You never knew how obstructed your vision of whatever was on the screen was until you’ve had the screen clean spree!”
GMMore: L “Wood you like a spoon?”
GMM 616: R “I like my name!” “I don’t think you can spoil a song. It’s, like, 3 minutes.” “In fact, our first girlfriend was named, ‘Leslie.’ Hey, Leslie, how ya doing? Hope you’re watching.” “I’ve never known a guy Leslie that I liked.” “‘Lufah’ is a DJ for children.” “Lufah in the house!”
R "Making science true since 1984, or whenever we met." L “Making science true, one stupid statement at a time, I think is the t-shirt.”
L “‘Barbara’s’ are complicated. ...You can’t read a ‘Barbara.’” R “Really? I think ‘Barbara’s’ are the life of the party and they like to be called, ‘Barb’, for short. ‘Hey, Barb!’ And once you start calling ‘Barbara’, ‘Barb’, everything changes and they’re just always happy, they’re always happy to be there, they’re always happy to lend a hand!”
GMMore: L “Think twice, three times a lady, before you name your child something.”
GMM 617: R “I’m a Taylor Swift fan. I got no shame.” “I like pain.”
L “I love me some Arianda Grande.” (reading->) “‘Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase…’” R “Yeah, you do.”
GMM 618: L (singing->) “Are you feeling lethargic?”
R “All pea farmers grow their peas in lungs.” “The old eel in the eel trick.”
GMMore: R (about trip to Costa Rica->)“...his name was Christian and he is the owner operator of Fox Cola. He makes Cola that is like, well I’m sure foxes would love it, but that’s just the name of it…” (about Dengue Fever->) “If you get a certain strain, if you get it twice, you die the second time. There’s like a 50% chance of dying the second time.”
L “He makes cola for foxes.” “‘The Dengue Damper’ is what they call that.”
GMM 619: R “Where’d you guys find a little dragon?” “I love wood. I know wood when I touch it!”
L “You keep punching me in the face, hand!” “I can’t smell letters. I cannot smell words.” “Are you smeeling what I’m smeeling? I smeel success!”
GMMore: L “Hey Link in the future, you look great in that billowy shirt!”
L “Okay, so what I’ve done the liberty of done doing here-” R “I think it’s ‘taken the liberty of doing,’ actually.” L “What I’ve did a liberty-” R “What I’ve done the liberty of doing.”
GMM 620: L “Nothing says love like almost worn top of your ears.” “What woman doesn’t want to know that she’s loved by getting juice out the rear end of a dinosaur.”
R “Baby, me plus you equals forever.” “Wind chimes are sexy. Put that on a t-shirt.”
GMMore: L “True north will always be in your heart, Rhett.”
R “Fastest way to a woman’s heart: wind chimes.”
GMM 621: L “I’m sorry, there’s something in my eye. It’s love.” “I don’t wanna know how I’m gonna die, but I do wanna know when I’m gonna die, for just like, planning purposes. It would be nice to know.” “Well, I mean, it puts everything in perspective. Like, we should have that perspective anyway, but it kinda forces it.”
R “Don’t meet people at the clinic.” “Body of a 90 year-old. You don’t want that. Trust me.”
R “‘Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?’” L “Ugh! No! Like, if I had a hunch, I would probably investigate it and tell people to make sure it won’t gonna happen!” R “I think I’m gonna die on this show! You know, we keep escalating the ridiculousness of the things that we’re eating,” L “Oh gosh, yeah.” R “and one of these days,...we’re gonna have a reaction and...that’s gonna be the last show! Show 6,001.” L “Well, if I had to choose, that’s a good way to go. I mean, documented, gonna get some views out of it. For you, I mean.”
L “I don’t cry as much as I wish I would, um-” R “I can take care of that. Sounds like something my dad would say!”
GMMore: L “I don’t wanna believe in aliens.” R “Why?” L “It’s, they’re ugly. Circular argument.” R “I work with him. Every day.”
R “‘If you knew in one year you would die suddenly, what would you change,’ would you change anything about the way that you are living and why?” L “I would embark on a yearlong search for my replacement.” “No, I’m talking about, of a father of my kids and a husband to my wife.”
R “This is just a little glimpse of how much of a control freak you are that you wanna control the rest of your wife's life in your absence!” “I went and said, I’m going to play poker at the Bellagio and I’m going to pay for our Cirque du Soleil, and I went and I did.” “What if the cloud burns?”
L “We’re all gonna and one of us is gonna die before the other one and if it happens to be, like, in the next year, then I want her to be able to have a life and it not be defined solely by me being dead.”
L “What kind of reality show would that be? That’s a good idea for a reality show, right?” Stevie “Widow peak…” L “Widow’s Peak!”
L “Christy, my wife, she said, if I die first and, at a young age, or if I die young, I don’t want you to remarry at all, I want you to get a nanny, get a really ugly nanny for the kids.” “If she dies young, I’m to get a really ugly nanny to take care of my kids.” R “But when do you get to date again?” L “I don’t.”
GMM 622: L “Rhett, you don’t need an imaginary friend. I’m your real friend right here.”
R “I don’t know you manage goats, properly, but when you do-.” L “Take ten percent off the top. Entertainment humor!”
More: R “I don’t remember all my great ideas like ‘what’s in the bag.’”
L “People like to get things, it doesn’t matter what they are.”
GMM 623: R “When I smell my ten year-old’s hair from six feet away, he gets a shower…” “And you know what they say about navy! It cleans you!”
R “We should have a fire that’s always going on set.” L “A grooming fire!”
GMMore: L “Like, the first thing I thought of when we were gonna move into this studio space was, ‘I can get a urinal!’ and I don’t mean, like, beside my desk...” “Because my idea of ‘arriving’ is being able to pee in a urinal at my place of work or home. If one of these days, I get to build my own house, I’m gonna, there’s gonna be a place for a urinal in my own house.”
GMM 624: R "It's like gymnastics are happening in my mouth." “Mayonnaise was a mistake. That’s not the first time I’ve said that.”
L “Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve just witnessed the first time that I’ve eaten sushi with raw fish in it and not wretched.”
GMM 625: L “Over seven million views helps to take the awkwardness out of an intersection awkward exchange.”
R “I smell my face in a way I’ve never smelled my face and I’ve got eel butt blood on my palm!” “My nose smells my face.”
GMM 626: L “Thank you for letting us into your brains, your minds, your thoughts, your ears, your eyes, your hearts, your soul on a daily basis.”
GMM 627: R "Ah, this is so hot. Am I the first time you've ever done this, for a girl?""What have you been eating?"
L "Come down for a landing in my arms, baby." "Yeah, you are the first time I've ever done this." "You, sorry"
GMMore: L “I’ll show you a party trick! Burn an apple!” “It’s a Blackle,....Blapple.” “Chase, what’s your secret? Chinchilla-petting?”
GMM 628: L “But guys, put away the revenge. Come on, let’s channel positivity into polka dots on other things.”
GMMore: L “If I said it wrong by accident, it would be ‘sit pains’, which I can relate to sometimes.” “Whenever I say something funny, sometimes Rhett just says, ‘Wow, he finally said something funny. What a surprise.’” (joking->) “Matter of fact, this is it. Christy, you have a problem. You’re a tom peeper.” “And no one’s just a peeper.”
R “You got a peeping tom? She’s a peeping tom? I knew it.” “Once a peeper, always a peeper.”
GMM 629: R “Let it go and make it flow.” “You poor it, we’ll endure it.” “You can add to all your taglines: Never mistaken for pond water.” “You gush it, we’ll crush it.”
L “Alex, you’re a good pourer. I can just tell by listening.”
L “You wet yourself!” R “That’s not my water, man. That’s my drinking buddy’s water!”
GMMore: L “The tap water here in LA is notoriously bad, but back in North Carolina, my nanny, she had well water and it would taste-” R “Like a well.” L “like a well, but in a good way.” R “Like dirt.” L “In a good way.” R “Like it’s been surrounded by dirt.” L “In a good way.” R “In a good way.” L “In a good way.” “Her bottle said, ‘in a good way.’” Tastes like Granny’s well.” Both “In a good way.”
R “Don’t suck on the apparatus.”
GMM 630: R “Eat chicken and then stick the bones inside of the broccoli and give it to your children.” "You can talk like Link if you want, but I don't."
L “Like garden peas, no, those are the balls of, like, green monkey babies.”"Tossy, Tossy, Tossy!"
GMMore: L “Alexis got a voice-change operation.” “When our kids modify nerf guns, that’s just code for breaking them.”
GMM 631: R “What do you get if you cross and termite and a dinosaur?” L “What?” R “DYNOMITE!”
L “Myrtle Beach is the fun capital of my dad. He has a beach house there.” “A dolphin is a fish.” “A snail and turtle? That would be real slow. Slowest animal ever!” “I’ve always said that a turtle is just a snake with a shell.”
R “Wow, Link, you should have been a zoologist!” L “I can be a animal mater! What are those called? A breeder.” “I’m gonna be a breeder of animals. It’s not gonna be creepy at all.”
GMM 632: R “At least you’re with the ones you love.” I could pee in my pants right now and you know what, I wouldn’t even be embarrassed cause I’m gonna be dead in a second.”
L “Some of which are already dead, It’s weird, they’re there, it’s morbid.” “I’m gonna miss not being alive.”
GMMore: L “Have you watched ‘The Purge’?” R “Nope. I was home alone one time and I wanted to watch it, but I got scared.”
L “I mean I would eat a LOT of cookie dough.” “I think the point is we need to be cultivating relationships with bodyguards.” “I can’t be trusted with a bowie knife.”
R “As soon as I find out the world is ending, I’m going to a yacht.” “That was the worst attempt at hurting me that anyone has ever done.”
GMM 633: R “Woo! I’m a high-heeled lumberjack!” (singing) “I’m alone in the woods and I sleep in a van.”
L “Yeah, manly lumberjack, yeah!” (singing) “You’ve got to get out of bed, slip on the some heels and slap life in the face with an ax.”
GMMore: R (to Jesse) “Baby, I’m sorry for every time I have ever complained about you complaining about your feet hurting because that is hellish, that is a hellish experience right there wearing those things.” “There’s so much cultural pressures for me to wear wooden sunglasses. This is a lumbersexual.”
L “It’s like man, when she’s wears them high heel shoes, it’s like a flashy fishing lure.” “It’s like putting a piece of, like, tin foil on the end of your line, man, and those bass just wanna gobble it up.” “Men are like bass and women are like fishing lines.”
GMM 634: R “You’re not gonna sell these socks, lady!” “I want that guy’s soul.”
GMM 635: R "But let me tell ya, it works without fail. It's how I got my wife." "After seeing this, I'm thinking about projecting my own face on the front of my house so I walk through my own mouth to enter it." "Okay, well I didn't know this was a date. I thought it was a beard stroking exercise."
L "You kept backing away from her slowly? I'm sure that's what she was hoping."
GMMore: L "Who knew that when you said 'hot diggity dog' so much, your left eye would start watering just a little." "It's a bagel crown." "I do, Noah. It's sprat." "You're supposed to lubricate a machine with that."
Noah "Do you guys have any food allergies, like, is there anything you guys can't eat?"
R "I've tried to discover if I do and so far, nothing's backfired." "They ate the sprat and drank the clak!" "That's the name of Chunk's next album: 'Eat the sprat and drink the clak.'"
GMM 636: R “Saturday mornings cartoons are so yesterday. It’s all about Song Biscuits!” “Come on down to purple town.” “The king is tasting music. Do a little beatbox. It’s like popcorn.”
GMM 637: L “Thanks for the geography lesson.”
L “Question. How hard is it to hunt a goat? I mean, really.” R “Have you ever killed a goat?” L “No, but they're just standing there.”
GMMore: L “Your voice sounds weird, Link. I’m gonna comment about it. What if it stays like this, guys? When are ya gonna stop commenting? I’m really self-conscious about my voice. This is how it is now, forever!” “It’s getting a little graphic around here.”
L “You wanna talk about me taking a bath more?” R “No.”
L “Hold on, I just said ‘rectally.’ So that was up the butt. I thought an enema was, was up the peehole.” R “Are you crazy?”
L “I was like, rectally, why would you put a catheter in your butthole? Okay, um, hmm. Dot com!” R “Why would you put a catheter in your butthole dot com.” L “Don’t register that. Register any domain you want. I don’t recommend it being that one. Also, look out for killer whales in a dingy.” R “Look out for killer whales in a dingy dot com.” L “And look out for a nurse if you’re in a dingy.” R “Dot com.” L “‘cause she might have a ladder tube.”
GMM 638: R “Oh, we had a nice bathroom. Big stalls, tall toilets. I’m a tall man.” “There’s nothing like a green woman.” “What color will she be next? (laughs) That sounds like something my dad would say.” “...I’m proud to also announce the first ever ‘Good Mythical Morning Book Club’!” “What womens have you dated, Wil Wheaton?”
GMM 639: L “I’m more human than you are. I’m more human than human.” “When I clench my buttox, my whole head just moves.” “I’ve spent years toning my face muscles and head muscles.” “All of my genetics were poured into my face. I don’t even have genetics in the rest of my body!” (singing->) “Your lips are movin’, but you’re not flarin’, flarin’.”
R “Your facial muscle control, Link, is staggering.” L “More human and human.”
R “You could invent this for kids out there who can’t play traditional sports. You could start a campaign for facial sports.” L “I invented this one. This one’s called the ‘skinstache’. It’s a skin moustache.”
R “Link, you could have been an athlete if this was a sport!” L “A facelete!” R “This is your arm! Could have been armlete!”
GMMore: R “There’s like three or four different things working for you. You got a long tongue, you got a long neck, you got a short upper arm and you got wide shoulders-” L “And don’t forget the brains.” R “And you’re very smart.”
L “My tongue smells funny.”
GMM 640: R “Listen, I gotta taste the spinning taco. This day can’t end.”
L “I actually feel like I could smell a book right now!” R “Nah, that’s just me.”
GMMore: R “Can you tell the Italians goo for me?”
L “Here’s some tiramisu ----.” R “It says ‘cake’, Link.”
L “I thought I’d give it an alternate pronunciation.” “I always wondered what it would feel like for a turkey to scratch my back.”
GMM 641: L “I’ve never seen an astronaut eat a hot dog.” “Hot dogs on a menu is like putting a scratch-and-sniff sticker on a Mona Lisa.”
R “It’s as if the hot dog was created for the human mouth. The hamburger, on the other hand, was created for some sort of large cartoon character with a big circular mouth.” “My mama used to make a hot dog sandwich for me to take to elementary school with me. White bread, ketchup, mustard, hot dog sliced in half so I wouldn’t choke on ‘em. And sure, by the time I opened it up at lunch, it was soggy and nasty, kids looked at me like I was funny, but you know what? Inside that hot dog sandwich was love. My mama loved me and she chose hot dogs.”
GMMore: R “When I look at that gelatinous stuff coming out of that pipe, I think to myself, ‘how do they make it taste so good? How do you make pig lips and cow tongue and bile taste so good?!’”
GMM 642: L “He’s so bored, he’s got to play with bubbles?”
R “Mr. Rhett. What do you want? You want a cheeseburger to just come out of the door?” L “It cooks, too?” R “I’m sure it will!” L “It will not.” R “By 2035, it’ll do whatever you want it to do! It’ll discipline your children! You won’t have to do anything except just lean back!” L “Don’t make it pull over, kids! It’ll do it! I won’t even be doing anything!”
R “In 2035, we’ll all be leaning back and enjoying watching the Titanic as we drive around in our Mercedes.” L “That is poetic!”
GMMore: L “I’m coming back to ya, Lynda.” R “Lynda’s always there.” L “Hey, Lynda. I’m coming back to ya.” R “I like the name, Lynda, on a woman or a website.” L “Trying to just rekindle our old flame so I can learn some Logic X. Me, you and Logic X.”
L “I can parallel park with the best of ‘em.”
GMM 643: R “Good Mythical top of the mornin’ to ya! Yes, I said that.”
L “Stonehenge is a big emoji. I do know that.” R “Yeah, you have to be in an airplane to see that.”
GMMore: R “This is an Irish song?” L “No.”
R “Should we stop this? ‘My sources say no.’”
GMM 644: R “Link, you’re better than this!”
R “Grit lips. So good, that could be a lip balm. ‘Hey, man. You heard about ‘grit lips.’? They’re selling it at rhettandlink.com/store.’” L “That’s something I say to a woman I’m sweet on. ‘Hey, grit lips. Come over here and pucker up." R "A woman you're sweet on? Okay..." L "Like, you got some gritty lips, girl.’”
R "It's so distinctive, Link. I almost said, 'Linktive.' So distinctive, Linktive. Can I call you Linktive?" L "Sure."
GMM 645: L “No cat should be groomed, period.”
R (to June) “You’re the best dog in the United States.”
GMM 646: L “I have a theory, seriously, that the greatest actors are the most intelligent actors, like, I think it takes a lot of intelligence to embody someone else effectively.”
R “All geniuses watch ‘Sesame Street.’” “Smart people bounce, man. That’s why I’m gonna be starting to do it! Sign me up!”
GMMore: L “That’s how you become a genius. You gets lots of wedgies in grade school.”
R “...I have always thought that darkness of your eyebrows is an indication of your intelligence quotient.”
GMM 647: R “This is about me, man! This isn’t about them, this is about me winning a game!”
L “Who would ever wanna watch people retch for entertainment?”
GMMore: R “I have an idea for a toaster that doesn’t scare you.” L “You’re scared of toasters?”
R “It’s called The No Scare Toaster.” L “For people who are afraid of toasters. Your nightmares are over! That’s good.”
L “Morgan, what’s yours?” Morgan “Jeopardy, I guess.” L “So you’re retired, is what you’re saying?”
R “What are the chances that dad knows anything on this game?”
L “We should do a whole game show that’s just running out of a house, running out onto the patio when it’s got a sliding glass door ‘cause there’s nothing better than watching people run through a sliding glass door.”
GMM 648: L “This guy’s becoming more suspicious and more annoying the more I watch him.” “This dude can’t keep his mouth shut and his hands down.”
R “Check out the cactus.” “These two guys, the ‘Good Mythical Morning’ hosts, definitely part of the Illuminati.”
L “He’s really interested in you seeing the cactus on his shirt?” R “Yeah.” L “What kind of guy does that?” R “That guy.”
R “This is like the sweatshirt that you get when you join the Illuminati, okay!” L “Not to be worn in public, usually.” “He probably got a fine for wearing that on the internet.”
R “He said, ‘Illuminati’!” L “That was a mistake!” “They shouldn’t have let that guy in!”
GMMore: R “That sweatshirt was hand-crafted for me to wear on this show on a regular basis at regular intervals of prime numbers, pay attention, by Mrs. Illuminati herself.”
L “Can I download something on ya here?” R “Download it, man.” L “I’ve been freaked out by the Freemasons for years!”
GMM 649: L "We thought, 'why not take an item that you always step on and get really upset and make an entire shoe out of it?' That's right, the ubiquitous building toy for children of all ages-" Both "LEGOs!"
L “This isn’t the first time I’ve been in heels in an awkward situation.” “I feel like a horse in Cheese-land.” “Are your feet getting more literate?” “Foot butter straight from the foot.”
R “Link, could you anoint my feel with oil?” (saying in an old man voice->) “It’s the year 2075 and I’ve got ball-shoes.” “That’s some good foot butter!”
GMM 650: L “We bout to cover his face and my body in questionable stuff.” “We’re so crazy, we’re burning three lights at once!”
R “Give me that sweet face, Link.” “Well, I like grape mustard, they call me Sweet Face!” “You look like a futuristic space woman. Wanna go on a date?”
GMMore: L “I mean, let’s be honest. We don’t email people back.”
R “It’s Macaulay Culkin. He turned into a cookie.”
GMM 651: R “They’ll really be onto something if when you dance hard enough, it raises the roof.”
GMM 652: R “Link, it’s a ‘Portable Beauty Lift High Nose Electric Nose Lifter Massage Remove Blackheads.’ I mean, it doesn’t get any better than this.” L “That’s a noseful.”
R “Sometimes, I get my ipad and my iphone back from my kids, and I’m like, ‘Wh- Did you take snot from your nose and purposely apply it to this device?’ I can only imagine if they were in the pooper!” “Shepherd gets on my back and he says ‘let’s play, “Where’s Shepherd?”’, but he’s on my back. He’s six years old and he wants to play it all the time.”
L “I definitely fear that I’m gonna wipe my butt with my phone.”
GMMore: L “Welcome to ‘Good Mythical More.’ It’s more of what we’ve been doing, but it’s a little different.” R “Oh! The More is?” L “I just mean, like, in general. ‘Oh! The More is!’” R “That’s what More is!” L “We do it every time, yeah.” R “More is, I-” L “It’s more of what we’ve been doing, but a little bit different.” R “You know what? I didn’t realize until last week that this was filmed.” L “And now, we’re not gonna get the real you anymore.” R “I’ve spent hundreds of episodes just thinking that we’re just shooting the breeze. I was like, Link’s a good friend. You know, he just wants to connect for, like, ten minutes after our show every day, and then I found out-.” L “Before we get up and get on with our lives.” R “you were doing it for the views and I’ve really just changed the whole way I feel about it!” L “If I was doing it for the views, I’d be eating more junk.” R “Can we do a More More? Can we do a Most?” Can we do a Good Mythical Most and that’s not filmed and it’s just me and you talking?” L “Yeah, man. It could just be our lives.” R “Our lives!” It can just be our lives!”
GMM 653: L "If eyes are the window to the soul, then the face is the front of the house, and facial expressions are the paint on the house that constantly changes color to show you what the house is feeling."
R “I think I’m gonna be pretty good at this because sometimes I just look at people’s faces and don’t look at any other parts of their body and I know what they’re doing.” L “Well, dates like that.”
R “I gotta look at people’s faces better!” L “Yep, you know. There’s an art to this.”
GMMore: L “You look like a sad apple at the state fair.”
R "Don't say yes to the combo.” “I feel like I just aggressively ate a sundee.”
GMM 654: R “I kinda like smelling like cheese. I’ve wanted to work at a cheese factory.”
GMMore: L “Eddie got in a fight at Disneyland and they almost kicked him out. He’s really upset, and if you’re gonna talk to him, refer to him as ‘Bonnie Kathleen’.”
GMM 655: L “When you’re really confident, you don’t even have to speak English.” “Confidence kinda sounds like air eeking out of a balloon.”
L “As the food comes up, the anxiety comes down. That’s how I like to look at it.” R “I never percieve this in this way. From now on,“ L “You’ll look at it differently.” R “this is a revelation for me!” “I thought you were just throwing up!”
GMMore: R “George Washington Carver is one of my favorite males of all time!” “If people say, what superpower would you have if you could have a superpower…and I don’t say flying, I say, pointing at a postcard and being there. You might say, ‘what about teleportation, wouldn’t that be easier?’ No, I like to have to go to the store and get the postcards.”
L “I can only smell through you, Jen.” “When in doubt, order now.”
R “ Linkella and Rhettella.” L “Anybody want to spread some Link on some wafer?” “Peanut butter and Link? On a spoon?”
GMM 656: R "I get to eat these peeps, 'cause they're just little ducks, or chicks made from marshmallows. They're not raw eggs."
GMM 657: L “What’d you learn from us today?”
GMMore: R “We could be creating a meme, unknowingly.” "This is called a conversation. Join it!"
L “Never have I been more happy to have been wrong about something!” “Eddie can make a Face Blanket, but he’s not barcode material.” "I'm gonna be a rapper! I'm gonna call myself ‘Ritz Cracker.’"
GMM 658: L "It's like human Drano."
GMMore: R "We don't even show up anymore. We're not even here. This is a program." "Don't give away our secrets, man."
L "...as we've shared many times, Rhett and Link, Rhett and I-" R "I'm Rhett, he's Link. Welcome to the show." L "I just spoke to myself in third person. I spoke of myself." R "Yeah, you can't speak to yourself in third person. That would be weird."
L "The words that come out of my face sometimes have nothing to do with anything that's happening in my brain."
GMM 659: L “Peoples be suing other peeps for some totes ridics reasons!” “Vomiting’s fine, just don’t get up and run into a door frame!”
R “Unrestricted merriment! That’s my life theme!” “I will say, we will never eat blended rat on this show. We have standards.”
R “I think he had a case here.” L “Really?” R “A case of bud light!” L “You didn’t do that on purpose. That’s why you’re laughing so hard. It just came out! You backed into that joke!” R “I walked right into that one and then rescued it!”
GMMore: R “Gotta have a kidney placeholder.” L “It’s like a prenup for your kidney.”
GMM 660: R “I call it ‘Le poulet de Eiffel tower avec Pac-Man.’” “...I am the king at creating meals from random stuff from the refrigerator...my favorite creation is what I call a ‘cracker cheese plate’ that I came up with as a middle schooler…”
L “Nava-nope!” "We just dough-minated!" (submitted by Rachel (Sylvarasaurus))
GMMore: R “Now, I can smell the Durian kinda coming through. I can smell a dead body in there.” “If you can get through a carrot, you can get through a human finger.” “Make it through the seven stages of gooey goodness.” “We have to have a really ridiculous analogy for everything we eat.” "We do, we do, we do."
L “I might get into cutting stuff now that we have this board. ‘You guys have anything you want me to slice?’ You know, I could get into that.” "This has got a peanut lead but then the backgr-, then the follow-up is sawdust. It's like something that would be in the bottom of a snake cage, including the snake poop." "Thanks for mailing us stuff, guys. We appreciate everything."
GMM 661: R “Dolk is my favorite graffiti artist! I’m gonna commit a crime so I can go and experience Dolk on a daily basis!” “Oh, Dolk. You and your irony!”
R “I want some ice cream in the shower. I’m just living a prison dream, I’m just thinking.” L “No one will see you eating ice cream in the shower ‘cause it’s so private.” R “Nobody. Just me and my ice cream.” L “And your soap. Don’t eat the soap thinking it’s the ice cream.” R “Keep the soap apart from the ice cream.”
GMMore: R “I’m not going to kill Link.” L “It’s impossible anyway. You couldn’t kill me if you tried.”
R “From now on, all facts will be given in unison.”
GMM 662: R “...I’d like to have a guitar made with strings made from my skin, my guts and then you learn how to play the guitar, awesome classical guitar, and you go on a career classical guitar playing.” L “I’m not gonna do that ‘cause I have to grow out my fingernails”
R “Put some of my ashes in a Pringle can, too.” “My gut’s are gonna be for the guitar, I’m going in a Pringles can and put me in a book that you’re writing.” “And make meals for me everyday just in case I come back. What are you doing if you die?” L “I’m just gonna go in a cardboard box.”
R “If I die first, you have got to put me on display right here and keep doing the show without me. You can’t get a new host!” “And if you die first-” L “Do that to me!” R “We’re shaking on it.” L “Let’s just air shake.” “We’re air shaking on this one. It’s kinda like pinky promising with an index finger.” R “Just trying to leave a legacy.”
GMMore: R "She dated Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley. I’ve heard of both of those guys. And dating both of them is a pretty big deal. I would date both of them!” L “Right, me too.”
R “People do strange stuff. Have we not established that on this show yet?” L “We’ve established that.”
GMM 663: L “You should just feel stupid for not listening to yourself.”
R “One of the best movies of all time, one of my favorite movies, lots of people have seen it. If you haven’t seen The Princess Bride, you need to watch it.”
GMMore: L “I’m smarter than you. Just live with it.” “I’ve been wrong so much by accident that I’m not going to put it past myself.”
GMM 664: R “Put your arms in, Neal!”
L “I could poke your eye out with my nipples right now.” “This goes out to all the mythical beasts out there. All of you out there in mythical beast land, don’t try this!” “Hey, look! There’s a Sprite down in here!”
R “Why are we holding hands?” L “Cause I need you right now!”
(Unedited version, added: R “I feel like I could sand something with my goosebumps. Like I can sand wood with my goosebumps right now.”)
GMMore: L “Alex, can you help zip this thing up here?” R “You want somebody to zip your little sleeping bag?” L “You know what, I can do that. I’m a big boy. Help me anyway.” R “Says adult man in sleeping bag sitting at desk.”
R “We need a hot tub in this building. Can we get a hot tub installed? Can somebody put a hot tub on set? There should be a hot tub on this set. We should do the whole show from a hot tub.”
L “The gifs. Can’t wait for that.”
GMM 665: R "We are happy to announce that we have finally and officially moved into our new building!" L "New studio, new offices, it's nice!"
L "Alright, Henry. Everything's fine, buddy." R "Everything's going to be just fine."
R "Don't seal your hand in with Henry. He doesn't like that. He doesn't want that." "Going to squishy town, Henry."
R "Henry has never fit so many places and you can still cuddle him. He's not quite as forgiving though." L "But you know what? I don't think he'll ever forgive us. Look at how happy he looks, though!"
GMM 666: R “You know there’s over four thousand species of flora on this planet, and if you’ve ever seen the M-night Shamalamadingdong movie, ‘The Happening,’ you know that you should be scared of all of them! Spoiler alert!” “Stinging bush! Actually scary!”
L “They put your heart to sleep. It’s like slowly falling out of love with life and dying.” “I touched some eyeballs and my heart stopped.”
GMMore: L "Don’t wanna mix breaths.” “What are you using Carmex for? You have herpes? Finally? Joining the ranks of mouth herpes.” “I would hate me if I ran into me here.” (->put that on a t-shirt, sorta) “I wanna change my hairstyle, I just fear the comments.” “Let’s shave our heads like we did that Easter break in college…”
R "One of the things I’ve noticed and one of the things that people have pointed out to me is that I have uh, probably for every time that you adjust your glasses, I lick my own lips." L “Is there a correlation?" R “No.”
“I would hate me if I ran into me at an airport. I don’t like men who spend this much time on their hair.” “I’m sorry to all women that I’ve ever judged about you had saying that there was something up with your hair because of the humidity. I had so much trouble with my hair on the East Coast and I felt like such an idiot.” “I almost went back to the buzzcut while in North Carolina.” “I identify with women everywhere.”
GMM 667: L “‘The Glass Wolf.’ That’s a good name for a Minecraft account, like, ‘oh, here comes the Glass Wolf!’” R “You playing Minecraft again?” L “A little bit.” R “A little bit on the side, they call me The Glass Wolf.” L “Yeah, I just gave it away. Look for me on the Minecraft servers, The Glass Wolf.”
L “It’s not mad to fall madly in love with someone, especially if their name is got “the handsome” in it.”
L “He would drench his beard, his clothes, and wall hangings, like everything around him in ambergris.” “It is a solid, waxy, flammable substance of a blackish color produced in the digestive system of a sperm whale. Sounds like it smells great, dudn’t it? Let me rub some of that on my beard!”
R “Fishy and fecal. My two favorite smells.” “You gotta like a man who has distinct tastes.”
GMMore: R “We are proud to say that ‘Good Mythical Morning’ is up for two different Webbys and then our Nerd vs. Geek rap battle is up for another Webby.”
L “Let’s be honest. We want to win the People’s Voice Award...”
GMM 668: R “Can I see the manager? 'Cause this is hair and, uh, cardboard.”
L “You’ve swallowed a pill bigger than that before.”