Rhett & Link Quotes, GMM 969-1051

(Oct 16 2016)

GMM 1-186, GMM 187-369, GMM 370-521, GMM 522-667, GMM 668-815, GMM 816-968, GMM 1052-Current

GMM 969: R “If you want, you can also just read 1, 2, and 3 just by sounding out the letters.” L “E, I, C, U, P, P.” R “No, you don’t. I don’t let you watch.” L “Like I’ve been asking.”

L “Who needs letters when you have a dookie emoji?” “If I just pretend like I’m seeing things sharply, I will!”

L “Do my bidding, humans of the earths. I am here to farm your cities.” R “You think this is what aliens are gonna be like?” L “Yeah, it’s only in the eyes.”

GMM 970: L “Release the noodle kraken!” "Plugs are a sinker." “Good song, good soup, good times.” "Get well one bite at a time!" “I don’t like to just bite a whole chicken. That’s not becoming of a man.” “Happy man, happy hands.” “My life flashed before my eyes and it looked like chicken.”

Both (singing) “I need a chicken noodle soup bath, a chicken noodle soup bath. Just do the math. Sick plus chicken soup equals a chicken noodle soup bath.”

L "It's warm. Let's get in." R "I peed on myself 'cause you played the mouth trumpet." 

R “What are the chances that I stepped on the chicken?”

GMM 971: L “This might ruint cereal for me! I don’t wanna do that!” R “I don’t think that’s possible.”

R “Welcome to Sushi Land. I’m the captain. Everything will be okay if you just listen.” “Roll, roll, roll your boat. Right to Graceland.” “Trees is plants. Plants is vegetables. Vegetables is food!” “It’s just a spider! I’m a human! I eat animals!” “Spiders got seeds!”

L “You know what, gravy, I am sorry that I forgot about you for a second.”

L “In what kind of apocalyptic world do you intend to live in where you’re gonna be eating sushi with toilet paper encased in rice, seaweed, more toilet paper and what appears to be twigs?” R “That’s shavings from the cardboard roll!”

Both: “Spiders is animals, animals is pigs, pigs is bacon.” R “Spiders is bacon.” Both “Spiders is animals, animals is meat, meat is pig, pig is bacon.”

GMM 972: R “Don’t turn a party into a farty unless you’re leaving.” L “ Yes! Don’t turn a party into a farty, parenthetically, unless you’re exiting, leaving. Put that on a t-shirt!”

L “Our first song that we wrote was called ‘Farting Girl’.”

GMM 973: R “What are the chances that we get to see the owner interact with the Dillie?”

R “I could watch this forever.” L “We could watch this forever, but I think that’s another channel and it’s called, ‘Rhett and Link watch Dillie cam dot com.’” R “I’ll be back, Dillie! I will be back!”

L “...we don’t want to put things in too much perspective.”

GMMore: R “When you make a decision to put up a webcam in your front yard, it adds a sense of expectation which adds a sense of interest to your life.” “...would you ever have the idea to put Hulk in a convertible in your front yard if you didn’t have a webcam?” “This is a good dad!” “Would you rather be completely mentally healthy or have an interesting life?” “I’m just saying that the webcam makes life interesting and it doesn’t matter what happens to your family.” “Adoptive parents are parents. Put that on a bumper sticker.”

L “That’s how you determine if you should adopt a cat. If the tail stays up, take it home. If the tail goes down,” R “Walk out slowly.” L “drop it down.”

GMM 974: L “I scale all things to human.” “That’s not the first time I’ve had that experience. Somebody wheels out some dog food. I’m like, ‘Mhm!’” “I like your boots. Can I carry your saddle?” “Remember, outward appearances are not a reliable indicator of true character.”

R “...and they had an agreement as kids and they said, if we’re not shaking it up by the time we’re adults, that’s where the shack comes in, the man says, I’m turning to ducks.” L “For what?” R “I mean, you know. Companionship.”

L “I give you a B minus because you were sexist.” R “Okay, I apologize for that. I wasn’t being sexist, I was assuming they were being sexist. Sorry.” L “Taken. Accepted.”

GMMore: L “Welcome to my chamber. I’m the oily one. I’ll give ya a knee to the face and a kiss to the mouth.” “We’re good at this, man. We found our calling.”

R "I'm not a street fighter, I'm a street lover. Can we play street lover?" L “Next week, Rhett. Next week.”

GMM 975: L “Sometimes if I buy a lot of products, I get sweaty!” “It’s tickling my wickle!” “You get to be the Bellow Fellow!”

R “This is the bi-product of two teenagers making out behind a garage or something.” “As a wood lover, I’m kinda a little bit ashamed of myself that I needed a hint for that.” "It's kind of a nice smell. We have a tobacco flavored candle in our in our room, in our office, that I call our room!"

L “Mrs. Wacos used to put my nose in the corner.” R “What?” L “In history class.” R “She never did that to me!” L “Well, you weren’t punished. Good for you!” R “I can say all 100 counties in North Carolina. Pasquotank.” L “Ugh, this stanks. This pasquostanks!”

GMM 976: R “I miss fried chicken, man. We don’t eat it enough! The world needs more fried chicken!” “This is nirvana for me. Blindfolded with just new chicken legs just coming in and I just put my lips all over ‘em, put my face on ‘em and then I eat ‘em!” “I wanna eat it with my eyes!” “I’m a chicken loser!”

R “I wanna put my whole body on this!” L “You want a chicken skin bed spread?” R “I want a chicken skin bed spread! Somebody make-we should make that!”

L “All I know is that I’m one happy man right now.”

R “Link, you’re crowned the chicken king!” L “Sing a song to me.” R (singing) “He is the chicken king. He’s like Levar Burton, but he uses chicken to see. (stops singing) This is the best song I’ve ever come up with!”

GMMore: R “Every birthday, I got a bucket of extra crispy KFC. That was my tradition. And I did that probably from age 6 to age 12...” “Ralph’s chicken. I stand by Ralph. I will stand by Ralph all day.” “I wanna shake the person’s hand that fried that chicken.” “I’m actually a all-bird man. That’s why I wore my bird shirt today to shout-out to all parts of all birds.”

L “I’m a dark man.”

GMM 977: R “Keep that birdie in your pockets, kids.” “Baby lips might be a good thing to keep, though…”

L “On the Neal side of my family, as a kid, we would kiss each other on the lips. But on the Pate(?) side of the family, my mom’s side of the family, we wouldn’t kiss on the lips.” R “So you got the herpes from the Neal’s.” L “That’s a good point, but no. That came from my mom’s side.” R “Really?” L “Yeah.” R “Oh, they knew they had herpes and so they-” L “That’s what it was! You put it together!” R “Mystery solved!” L “And I gave it to my dad’s side of the family!” R “Oh, man. You’re patient zero, Link!” L “Of the Neal Herpes outbreak!”

R “That’s freaking me out!” L “That’s Chase’s face inside Lincoln on a penny!” R “Whoa! That’s the best thing ever, guys!”

GMM 978: R (singing->) “Beans! You know what I mean. It’s beans! Sometimes they come in strings and sometimes they’re green and sometimes they’re round. Even when the music stops, you eat them out of the ground! Beans!” “Go to the Boys Home.” “Hi. My name is Bartholomew. I spend a lot of time alone. You should join me sometime because I wear sweatpants.” “But you should come and spend some time with me on my sofa.” “I have a pair for you. You should wear them and together we will be sweatpant buddies. It’ll be the best time of both of our lives.”

L "One hour with me, two hours with me, three hours divided by love equals rainbows." "You know how the kids do 'homework'.'' 

GMM 979: R “It’s never a bad time for a Green Day shout out. That’s what i’ve learned in life!” L “As a matter of fact, I love Green Day! Congratulations on your new album, Green Day.”

L “I know that Snapchat's go away after a while, unless they’re ours and then someone puts them on YouTube immediately. Thanks for that.”

GMM 980: R “Don’t just be riding the wave, be pushing the water!” L “I’m flattered that you think I can push the water!”

GMM 981: L “This is a flag!” R “A flag of what?” L “A country, you dork!”

R “In some strange way you seem so reasonable right now.” L “It’s strange for me to ever seem reasonable.”

R “Turns out that’s what a snake is! Just more neck!” L “All neck, all the time.”

L “We make a good team! We should do the teammate thing more often.”

L “Why you gotta be so elk-centric?” R “I’m sorry I’m biased towards elk.”

R “Don’t get canned. That’s gonna be my motto in the apocalypse.” “As you always know, eating the brain of an animal is an opportunity to consume its thoughts.” “The tongue cannot sense thoughts. Learned that a long time ago.” “But I really like kissing and I’m here to say that I’m not going to stand for this. I mean, look at these lips. Look at ‘em. You can’t deny the power of this! And look at this tongue!”

R “It just looks like thoughts.” L “I have a thought. It’s not to eat this.”

GMM 982: R “Hey, man! Precision is important in this game! Can you not tell by the way I’m dressed?”

GMM 983: Grace “Mamrie, you look like you just got back from the game show, ‘Survivor.’” L “You did not win.”

R “How did you know that?” Hannah “I grew up around a lot of dirt.”

R “Mrs. Butterworths. She tastes better when she’s on you.” “We’re the biggest losers.”

L “You look like a knight!”

Grace “This is not good for any of us!” Mamrie “It’s in my brain! You look like Frankenstein now!” L “Ugh! Me have potting soil!” Mamrie “Here, make sure you can see how dumb you look.”

GMMore: R “Okay, I want to quickly explain the reason that all of you guys are still wearing what you wore and I am in something different is because I discovered very soon after I got out there to hose off a little bit, that I was having an allergic reaction to syrup! I’ve been eating syrup all my life!” Mamrie “Yeah, but not on the outside!”

Hannah “It was a strong spoon though, it was more like two ladles just holding each other.” L “We ladled each other.”

Grace “Are you auditioning for our next movie?” L “I’ma be the ‘eat it’ guy! Eat it! Please put me in your movie. I’ll ladle anyone.”

 

GMM 984: L “I’d live in a ranch with some horses, miniature!”

R “When you wear the right Victorian garb, it’s called, approprian.”

L “Her dress has feelings.” R “It’s just like those Jnco jeans that we used to wear. You couldn’t sneak up on us ‘cause you would touch us from, like, four feet away!”

GMMore: L “That shirt really looks like something a doctor would wear.” R “Doctors these days, they don’t dress up anymore. Have you been to the doctor recently? Last time I went to a doctor, he had a tank top on.”

L “Rhett, don’t lie to me about tank tops and doctors. It either happened or it didn’t. Don’t lie about it.” R “He calls himself, ‘the Tanktopter.’”

 

GMM 985: L “Tastes like alcohol-infused cheetos.” “Bring a shoe shiner on every murder adventure.”

R “I know it doesn’t seem like a lot is going on, but all hell is breaking loose for little microorganisms right now. They are experiencing the worst day of their lives right now and I wish that we could-” L “It’s like a warzone!” R “capture that with some-you know what, we’ve added side effects now.”

R “I think I’ve been eating bacteria all over my food!” L “Alive bacteria. Now, you’re eating dead bacteria. It’s different.” R “And it was fun! That’s the thing.” L “We had so much fun.”

L “Who left my bucket of blood by the door?” R “Murder blood!”

GMMore: R “If I could be a gorilla, I would!”

Jen (reading) “From Christopher Sheeran, he says, ‘How can I make it look like I cleaned the house without actually cleaning?” L “That goes against everything I believe in, first of all.”

L “I love cleaning.”

 

GMM 986: L “Lots of almond milk gonna be squeezed during the apocalypse.” “This apocalyptic Christmas, give yourself the gift of schmilk!” “They should have spelled chocolate with two K’s, too. They should have gone all the way, you know? ‘Khokolate.’”

R “I got rid of it. I washed it out.” L “Is that the technique?” R “Yeah, you gotta have a cup of water at all times.” L “We’re gonna have those in the apoc?” R “Don’t shorten, we have all, nothing but time in the apocalypse. You don’t need to come up with abbreviations.” L “I’m just trying to make friends with the apocalypse.”

R “You wanna have, be a friend with a schmilk face.”

R “This is Chrischmas time!” L “Chrischmas in the apocalypse.” R “Chrischmas in the apocalypse it’s time for schmilk.”

GMM 987: R “Sometimes, grandpa attacks!” “If you tie the tubes in London, the whole city shuts down. You tie the tubes in America, just one woman doesn’t have anymore babies.”

GMMore: L (singing, playing recorder)

“Let me tell you about a friend of mine.

His name is Rhett and he’s pretty cool.

Sorry that didn’t rhyme but anyway.

He’ll be your friend too if you get in his way.

Look at his hair.

Spends a lotta time on it.

Spends a lotta nights on it.

Gets it just rights on it.

Look at his beard.

Glad that it’s back. It was awkward,

when it was gone.

Spend a lotta nights on it.

Spend a lotta time on it.

He comes up with ideas,

that no one else could think about,

and then he tells ‘em to ya.

Says, ‘don’t take credit for my ideas,’

but I do anyway in lots of times.

Thank you.

Switching it up.

But it sounds the same.

Spends a lotta nights on it.

Spends a lotta time on it.

Doesn't’ ever rhyme on it.

You can climb on it.

Not really, that’s made weird.

Once upon a time,

I met Rhett in first grade.”

 

(slower song)

“Oh, Rhett,  

you have been a friend to me

and even though I

have a hurt in my heart,

you stand by my side

and you pat me on the shoulder

when I have hurt in my heart.

Spends a lotta nights on it.

Spends a lotta time on it.

Monkey bars climb on it.

Spends a lotta time on it.

Spends a lotta nights on it.”

GMM 988: R “...we’re gonna call him ‘Phil,’ after Bill Murray’s character in ‘Groundhog Day’...If you haven’t seen that movie, what is wrong with you? You should watch it now.” L “Well, there was also a movie called, ‘Deja Vu,’ that starred Denzel Washington. Have you seen that?” R “Uh, yep, I have, but I don’t remember it.” L “But if I showed it to you again now, would you remember it?” R “That is a great question!” L “That would be deja vu!” R “Yes it would!”

L “I don’t like to watch movies twice...but I get frustrated if I’m rewatching a movie. I’m like, I could be watching a movie I’ve never seen. Why am I watching this one again?”

GMM 989: R “I feel very pretty.” “I mean, I look beautiful. Look at that!” “Your bangs have to make a statement. Your bangs have to say, ‘I reach, I reach for the sky!’”

L “Bangs are supposed to go down.” R “No, they’re supposed to BANG!”

L “Do i get extra points for cutting myself in the last round?” R “You cut your finger? Oh gosh, of course you did.”

GMMore: Alex "When in doubt, vas it up, huh?" "Put 'vas it up' on a t-shirt and sell it."

R "Gotta vas it up!"

GMM 990: R “What feels like a zomp today?” “Every sasquatch I’ve ever seen had pink socks on.”

R “Zomp!” L “Zomp it!”

L “You got zomped!”

R (singing) “That’s not paint, that’s not paint. That’s water, that’s water!” L “That’s paint, that’s paint! Link hand got dirty!

L “Hey, look. I’m like Finn from Star Wars!” R “You’ve already messed yourself up, man.” L “It was for a good joke about Star Wars!” R “It was great, it was great.”

GMM 991: R “I call the world, ‘baby.’ When something makes you call the world ‘baby,’ you know you struck gold.” “Yes. Yes, sir. Yes, ma’am. Yes to everyone.” “My mom says, ‘did you do a BM?’ She’ll call me today! She’ll say, ‘have you done your BM today?’ and I’m like, ‘not yet, momma. I’ll call you when I do. I’ll text you when I’m on the throne.’” “Chewing is a form of rubbing.” “You got a backwards mouth, man!”

L “Man, this is a diaritto! That’s what we should be calling this!” “I’m not your friend anymore.” “Just swallow a big packet of awful.”

R “It’s all stars!” L “We’re eating the stars.” R “Everything is stars! Everything is stars and that makes everything okay! You can eat anything because it’s all stars.” L “You’re an all-star.”

GMM 992: R "That sends the aliens away, though. You bring 'em in with Fran and you send them out with Yoko." 

GMMore: L “We’re all being probed right now by invisible, wireless-” R “Right now! At all times!”

R “It’s not your butthole, it’s your entire self. It’s the whole planet’s butthole is being probed constantly and everything that aliens want to know is being ascertained right now!”

L “I like how you say, alien counter.” R “Alien counter. Yeah, you put ‘em together.” L “Come over to my house. We’ve just done some renovations. I have an amazing xquisite alien counter that we eat on.”

R “I think, put that on a t-shirt: ‘We have an amazing xquisite alien counter. Welcome.’” L “That’s a tourist attraction, but we should open it.”

GMM 993: R “Every time I’ve ever gotten inside of a washing machine, I’ve had a singlet on.” L “Right, ‘cause that’s the best way to get a singlet clean is to stay in it.”

R “By the time I was 30, I had a chin strap.” L “You looked great, Rhett!” R “And very poofy! Poofy hair!” L “Well, you were compensating for the bare cheeks.” “I meant your face.”

L “I don’t know if you knew it, but Mike has always been poised to skateboard behind us-” R “To confirm skateboarding facts, only! That’s one of the only things we let him do around here.” L “I think he can confirm all types of stuff.”

L “As we all know, if you want a good laughing story, go to hell!” “If you wanna get run over by a truckload of kids in a pickup, don’t go flareside.”

R “Grab him by the belt and shake his hand. That’s how you congratulate a man.”

GMM 994: R “I just ate a banana later, earlier. I do that thing where I went into the future and ate...” "It's common knowledge that wool makes you itch and it also attracts all the ladies." “Have a Chilly Willy on me, Link! Literally, have one on me! There’s some on me and you can have one! This is a good color scheme for me. I look good in red, blue, and green.”

R “Man, this is what best friendship is all about! I mean how many friends do you have out there that you can have Honey Nut Cheerio hand cereal with?” L “Unapologetically.”

L "So wrong, it's right." R "Yeah, I mean, I know this is socially awkward for us and for you, but the thing I want you to know is that we feel great about this. Our hands don't itch-" L "I wonder if a banana would make it more awkward." R "No, no, no! Keep bananas out of this! Keep the bananas out of this!" 

GMM 995: R (reading) “‘Link, your face looks like a hummus hoagie.’” L “I’ve been told that before.”

L (reading) “‘Rhett’s so lame, I ship Link with Chase.’ Especially weird coming from me.”

R (reading) “‘My last tennis match took place on Link’s forhead.’” “Put your freaking leg out there, Neal!”

R “There are no winners in this game except for Alex Trebek.” L “Who is Alex Trebek.” R “Colonial Penn, maybe.”

 

GMM 996: R “I gotta tell ya that the feel of the donut on my face affected me emotionally.” L “What?” R “Makes me cry, I loved everything about it…”

L “I will say, this is a great day at the office!” “Being killed by Krispy Kreme on the internet is not a bad thing.” “My lanta, that’s a good donut!” “That is the best donut I’ve ever had in my life!”

R “Krispy Kreme donuts receive you!” “I’m the donut king but I will let you into my court as long as you wipe that off your chin.”

GMMore: L "I've been wearing clean underwear pretty much everyday since I got a good, just a good internet paddling." 

R "The donut king will keep you for his entertainment. Dance, dance away. I do not approve." 

GMM 997: L “Also, back in the 1930s, they would wipe with corn cobs.” R “Oh, I’ve done that.” L “When you get done with your street corn, just send it south.” R “Well, you gotta let it dry. Don’t do it with wet corn.”

L (reading) “...or Larry King, Betty White, and Willie Nelson?” R “Oh, I’d be there for that!” L “That’d be a great party.” R “I’d line right up!” L (singing) “On the toilet again.”

L “Clever girl! Clever girl, getting plunged!”

GMM 998: R “Love when we get to go to Florida! Love it!” L “Mhm-hmm. It’s so spicy down there!”

R “Visit Florida, where when you wake up from a nightmare, you wake up into a nightmare!” "If you're starting a band in Florida right now, please, please, for my sake, call it 'Caning Gators.'" 

L “Whenever you’re gonna sleepwalk in Florida, make sure you bring lights.” “Holy Toledo.”

GMMore: L “The Redwood Forest Foundation will plant ten Redwood trees in Northern California Redwood Forest as an enduring tribute to Rhett McLaughlin a loving gift from Link Neal, his friend, and the Good Mythical Crew, his employees. These trees will grow tall and strong like Rhett. They will forever be known as the ten Rhettwood trees.”

R “I want all my trees chipped.”

GMM 999: R “I’m not comfortable suggesting this, but I kinda feel like we’re gonna have to hit the deck for this one. I think we’re gonna have to lay down together.” L “Is Flavortown down there?”

L “Can I take this opportunity to say, check out our new series, ‘Buddy System’.” R “Yeah, that’s right! It’s better than this!”

L “This just in! Toenails are candy, especially mine! Beat ya to it. Eat my candy.” R “Um, I-I-I’m-just had, I don’t wanna spoil my dinner. I really don’t wanna spoil my dinner. I had-” L “It’s dinner candy.” R “I don’t-I-I, After dinner, I’ll definitely, maybe the little one after dinner.” L “What? We haven’t been close enough already today?” R “Well, we’ve been too close.” L “Exactly.” R “I’ve still got you on me.”

GMMore: R “So when we’re given the opportunity to make something on this scale, we jump at it!”

GMM 1000: L “I got that internet runner’s high!”

R “If you have 1000 dollars, you can get 2227 Chicken McNuggets!” L “If you buy them in 10 pack.”

L "...we want to make you guys feel special" R "Yes." L "because, obviously, we couldn't have made it to one thousand episodes without you, mythical beasts, watching and being, you know, a committed part of our community and, not just someone who watches, but a community member, and we do really appreciate that. So what we wanted to do is, we wanted to create something special that you could own to commemorate experiencing the one thousandth episode along with us-" R "And it's literally a token of our appreciation." L "A token, yeah." R "We were saying, we wanted to come up with a token of our appreciation-" L "And then we're like, 'why not a token?'" R "An actual freaking token." L "We have minted a coin to commemorate this, the one thousandth episode of GMM." 

R "Kinda feels like the Home Shopping Network right now."

R "...just like what we said on that first episode, when we made this show, we had you in mind. You know, we had been doing other types of content, music videos and sketches and that kind of thing," L "Commercials." R "but those weren't about a community. That was more about, 'just, hey, look, it's something that's funny.' And this show was much more having an ongoing conversation and this community has become much bigger than anything we ever anticipated and it means more than we ever thought. This started as a side project...and now, it's the main thing we're doing." 

L "It really is an honor to be able to make this show, I mean, it really is! We have a lot of fun. We also, at the same time, we take it very seriously, but, and we do really feel connected to you guys, but seeing a video like that is extremely moving and it makes us very grateful." R "That's the kind of thing that can only come through in a video. We don't necessarily get, you know, your comments mean a lot, but when we see you guys in your setting, where you watch the show, saying those things, it means a lot." L "Yeah, so, thank you for that."

GMM 1001: L “Gluten is the glue that holds food together.” “I think soy sauce, alone, is an ill-fated adventure.” “...when in doubt, guess what Rhett didn’t.”

R “We’re gonna need a bigger noodle.” “Man, I miss you, meatballs. I miss you so much. What happened?”

R “I am going to be a politician after 60. I haven’t told you this.” L “I’ll drive the bus!”

R “I love a good meatball, man. Man, I don't’ get enough meatballs. Something happened with me and meatballs.” L “Rhett needs more meatballs in his life!” R “I had, like, a breakup with meatballs and we never talked about it! We just drifted apart! How did that happen?” L “Well, my mom brings ‘em into my life every Christmas.”

GMM 1002: R “Who’s interested in safety? Not Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav doesn’t give a crap about his body.”

GMMore: R “You need one social media that is everything. We should invent this. We should call it, ‘Nexxus.’” L “Isn’t that a phone?”

L “What should we call it, Alex?”... Alex “I guess we can call it, ‘Meatball, the service.’” R “You said ‘smeat’ first.” Alex “Yes.” L “Smeatball.” R “Smeatball the service.”

R “Well, there ya go. We have a star in our midst and we didn’t even know it.” L “Oh, I knew it.” R “He had been sitting on this the whole freakin’ time.”

 

GMM 1003: L “I mean, the thing is, I know how an elephants work nowadays,” R “You do?” L “Yeah, man. I study the heck out of elephants in photo form.”

R “That’s what they call me at the steak restaurant.” L “‘Wedge beast?’” R “Yeah, ‘cause I get that wedge salad! ‘Oh, the wedge beast is back!’” L “You go beast on that salad!”

Lizzie “What that is, it’s called a tooth whirl, which sounds like something a hillbilly dentist might call its practice.” R “Welcome to the tooth whirl!” L “I don’t know what to do, but I’ll give it a whirl!”

L “‘What’s a mule?’ That’s a question for another day.”

GMMore: L “Rhett dreams to find fossils, but he’s never done it.” R “Rhett dreams to find fossils. He’s always dreaming for the fossils.”

GMM 1004: L “If you try to get everything, you get nothing.” “Is it a female gorilla if it’s a woman in a gorilla suit?” “Don’t spit in my mug!” “But I do believe in Sasquatch now!” “Keep that! That’s a good look for you, George Michael.”

R “You’re acting like you’ve never seen your diary before. ‘Them some big lips, somebody kissed my diary.’ This is your freaking diary! I found it on your desk!” L “No, I don’t think that’s my diary. I think you went through a lot of trouble to impersonate what you think my diary would be. I keep a journal, man!”

R “How did you not see Bigfoot?” L “Are you talking about the female Sasquatch?” R “How did you miss that?” L “I don’t know. Maybe ‘cause it is female. It is anatomically correct.”

GMMore: L “See, I’m a good guesser and you’re a good draw-er.”

 

GMM 1005: R “Don’t crush the dreams of future goat experts.”

L "Don't put your head in ketchup if it looks like a potato." “Buy a ticket on the log flume ride.”

R "Your demo fades out?" L "Yeah. I wanted to leave you wanting more of the creepy!" R "Ugh, wow. I don't want anymore." 

 

GMM 1006: R “Oh gosh! Is that your jaw making that noise?” L “Mhm-hmm.” R “I been telling ya, you need to get that looked at.”

R “When I realize that it’s your breath, it’s horrible, but when I just think of it as a food for me, I like it!” “I have the breath of a baby.” “I’m a good smeller!”

L “Whatever that is, is how your breath normally smells! Like, I actually smell beard in it.” “I just smell normal dude breath!”

L “I just feel like I just got a asthma treatment! I don’t even have asthma yet! Sign me up for asthma after that!” R “Don’t put that on a t-shirt.”

L “You’ve got a talent! You make bad things smell good in breath form!” ...R “You’re good at knowing what it is just by listening. We’ll have to do that another time.” L “Yeah, ‘what am I biting just by listening.’”

GMMore: L “Shout out to Slim Goodbody.”

R “That’s what I’m gonna be for Halloween, man. I’m gonna be ‘a balloon and that face.’”

GMM 1007: L "Serial killers do the darnedest things!" "A lot of clown hysteria going around these days. We shouldn't be adding to it, but we are." "If you wanna date a serial killer, do it with a wall in between you and him, preferably a prison wall." "You're being so weird today." 

L "Oo, there's a spooky shield down there with a skull on it!" R "That's not a shield. That's what they call a tombstone, Neal."

GMMore: L "Don't mind him. He's with me." 

R "BTK. I'm surprised I didn't know what that meant." L "Bind, torture, kindly install your ADT Home Security System." 

GMM 1008: R "I've got another hellhole for ya: New Jersey..." "The devil loves drainage pipes!" "I thought the devil'd be more of a bourbon man, but, you know, I'll go along with this." 

L "He has slain Satan and he is drinking from his horn." "Get ready to be spooked out of your boots!" "Grip your grippies!" "Odor's out, demons in. Not a sponsor!" 

R "I like Snooki, man! I'm not scared of Snooki. Long live Snooki." L "Don't be afraid of no Snooki."

(Both scream) L "I just got myself!" R "Ah, you jerk!" L "I got you, I got you, and I got me!" R "You knew that was gonna happen-" L "I knew that was gonna happen!" R "and you still reacted to it?" L "Yes! I can't help it man!"

GMMore: L "When you opened this, what was the first thing you said?" R "I was like, 'oh yeah, my mead horn!'" L "Your what?" R "MY MEAD HORN!" 

R "What I like about is that, well, it represents that my wife is very attentive. She sees me mention something one time and then, ba-dow, I get it for my birthday!" L "BA-DOW!" R "You know, and that's impressive so thank you, baby, for this." 

L "What?! I turned into a castle?!"

R "We gotta go paragliding and you gotta be wearing rocket boosters." L "And I will do it fearlessly." 

R "Maybe you should just grow dreadlocks. Maybe that's what your next haircut is. Let's just keep it simple."

GMM 1009: R “...but if you want to embrace your inner Halloweenie then, uh, that came out wrong, but just hang on…” L “Welcome to my world.”

L “Well, I’ll tell ya, I’ve lived a lot of life, well, I’ve lived the life that I’ve lived,” R “I’ve lived a lot of life, man.” L “and all the life that I’ve lived, I’ve liked it. I’ve liked living it,” R “Really? All of it?” L “and I think that when I die, I’ll be like, ‘I’d like to keep doing the life thing.’”

GMMore: L (singing) “Bring in the Chase head ‘cause Chase’s head is dead. Oooo, oooo. Bring in the Chase head. Chase’s head is dead. Oooo.”

Chase singing: “I love trains and the railroads.” “Conductors and cabooses.”

R&L “That was the part that we haven’t gotten to. (trying to sing in unison) Sometimes when I’m on the train, I look out the window longingly at the scenery and the conductor doesn’t like me and it makes me sad.” (speaking) R “Man, we should record that.”

GMM 1010: R “Once you get one hole in a hoodie, you just keep getting holes in a hoodie.”

L “Quick! Red wire or blue wire or green wire or yellow wire or purple wire?” Lizzie “Isn’t is always not the red wire?” L “Is that your answer?” Lizzie “Yeah.” L “Cut it! Cut it!” (Lizzie motions cutting a wire) L “You saved us. Hashtag squad goals!”

L “You got a, there’s like a DV tape here?” Kevin “Uh-huh.” R “Oh, what is that?” Kevin “What does that say?” R “It says ‘LOCKLEAR MOVIE FINAL’. Hold on, you’ve got our old documentary from ten years ago on there?” Kevin “Apparently, I do!” R “Mhmm.” L “Guys, that shouldn’t be propped. Don’t go in that box for props.” R “How did that-” L “That’s called an ‘archive’, not a prop box.” R “Wow, it got made into a costume!” Kevin “We could watch that if you want.” R “Yep.” Kevin “I got a TV in the van.”

L “Who goes trick-or-treating in the morning?” R “Banana and corn do!”

GMM 1011: R “It’s like a Cadbury Creme Egg in all the best ways you can imagine!” L “Bringing Easter to Halloween like no one else can, guys!”

L “Corn sugar sugar and sugar sugar!” (singing->) “Sugar time! Sugar time with your meat stick!” “That’s a theme song for a movie that I don’t recommend renting.” “Demon kids running for the hills!”

R “Didn’t think I could do that. I’m like a gecko, man. Put something on my eye, watch me get it. Don’t do it.” L “You blocked me! What’s this? The NBA?”

R “Okay, there he is. There’s the ol’ Link. For a second, I thought you had achieved superhuman levels of resistance, man.” L “Uh, it’s so black. It’s black like the thoughts I’m having right now.” R “I’m sorry. I did not mean to do that. That was obscene. I did not mean to do that in front of you. I was trying to get it down.”

L “Just think about what all those demon kids are eating, trick-or-treating? I mean, it’s worth for the demon children.” R “Where have you seen the demon children?” L “Knocking on my door asking for candy every Christmas, I mean, Thanksgiving, I mean, Halloween.” R “That’s when the demon children show up, Christmas.”

R “Let me see yours. You show you mine- oh!” L “You show you mine, I show me yours.”

GMM 1012: R “As you can see, we finally came to a decision for our Halloween costumes. We were going to be Batman and Robin, but as you might expect, we could not agree on who would be Batman.” L “Mhmm.” R “So we are Robin and Taller Robin.”

R “I love giving myself fives with these gloves!” “Robin wasn’t as cool as us.”

R “A lot of people don’t know this, but on the backside of the mountain, they actually have the president’s butts carved and there’s little doors that you can go right in and up to the presidential mouths.” L “Right. They call that-” R “The presidential backdoor.” L “They call it ‘the presidential suite.’”

L “I think this mask makes me stupid. I knew I should have been Batman!”

GMM 1013: R “Before we get started, mythical beasts, we wanna let you know about something very special and that is that we have just launched a brand new product! It is Rhett and Link’s Mythical Pomade!” “Gonna make bathing great again.”

L “Make your hair mythical with premium hair spread. Head spread.”

L “Have you ever looked at a giant rock and thought, ‘man, I wish I could bathe in that’?” R “Actually, yes.” L “I bet you have.” R “Yeah, yeah. You gotta remember your audience here, Link.” L “I’ve looked at giant rocks and said, ‘I wish I could sunbathe  on that.’” R “Like a lizard.” L “Like a naked lizard.” R “Like an iguana. Well, most lizards are already naked.” L “And so was I.”

GMMore: L “It smells good. It smells clean and smart and funny.” R “Clean and smart and funny. Everything you want to be.” L “It smells popular. It smells like…’oh, I’m getting a date.’” R “Really? It smells like you’re getting a date?” L “Not, ‘I’m on a date.’” R “Now don’t make promises that we can’t fulfill.”

R “If it was just up to me, if I was the only person who existed on Earth, I would have either one large dread or just a buzz cut. Those are the only two functional haircuts as far as I’m concerned, but we live in a culture where there are expectations placed on just this weird hair that’s on top of your head and you have to fulfill those expectations in a mythical way, or you are given the opportunity to fulfill those expectations. I do that with Rhett and Link’s Mythical Pomade!”

GMM 1014: L “Don’t Steven Seagal my arm.” “Outlaw that person’s leg! That should not go on the internet, people.” “My hammies are so tight, so stressed, need someone- okay.”

R “Now, first of all, I have a really pointy elbow, like a deathly point elbow.” L “Is that from an incident?” R “No, it’s for an incident!”

R “Oh gosh, look at the skin!” L “What is that, Rhett?” R “‘Cause I have such a point, the skin’s gotta go somewhere when I go like this!” L “That is like the flap under a chicken neck.” R “Don’t pull it so much, man! That’s nasty!”

L “Ow! Why you gotta pinch me?” R “Don’t touch my skin, man! Don’t touch my elbow skin!”

R “And listen, I see you freaks making fun of me for my elbow skin. I’m proud of it, I just don’t like it to be caressed.” “They’re just super pointy! That’s another test. A sign of intelligence.”

R “Congratulations, Link. You’re the flex king!”

GMMore: L “Charleston. You’re about to have some nice grits at a restaurant.” "You know when something becomes such an important part of your life, you think it was always there and you take it for granted?" “Shout-out to you guys, Ant and Dec.” “Do I look peaked? I feel peaked.”

R “The best shrimp and grits I’ve ever had was in Charleston, South Carolina.”

L “Let’s go to brunch.” R “K. Where do you wanna go?” L “Uhh.” R “Someplace that has mimosas?” L “Huh! We deserve it!”

 

GMM 1015: L “Call me if you want the pizza horn.” “Do whatever you want, (sustaining a D note) I’m going to sing a D no matter what.”

R “Dangit! I’m always going one freakin’ note up! Maybe that’s a special skill.” L “No, it’s not.”

R (singing) “Oh, Linkypoo. Mhmm. Linkypoo, you know what you can do, anything you want me to. Anything at all. Anything at all, me and Craig, are here for you. We’re here for you, Linkypoo. Yeeeaahh.”

GMMore: L (reading a letter) “‘Who is this giant viking-looking guy with big fingernails beside Ryan Adams? That’s Rhett.’” R “Big fingernails? What do you mean? From there to there or they were, like, outgrown?” L “I think just the surface area of your fingernails is rather big.” R “I’m not gonna deny that!”

GMM 1016: L “Figure us out. That’s going to be a challenge!”

L “Whenever I used to make out with that CPR mannequin, that’s what it tasted like.” R “The one at your mom’s work?” L “My mom trained to be an EMT and you had to do mouth-to-mouth.” R “And you made out with it?” L “Well, I did CPR on it when no one was looking.” R “You did French CPR.” L “Oui, oui!” … L “It tastes like Annie! Her name was Annie.”

R “Gosh, Annie. Where have you been hanging out, Annie?” L “They called her Annie. You know how, in that Smooth Criminal, he was like, ‘Annie are you okay? Annie are you okay?’ That’s what you’d say before you did CPR.”

R “I don’t know if it’s just the redneck in me that likes something when you put cheese flavor in it.” L “Would you like parmesan with that? Yes.”

R “But I think that we may be picking the best redneck sauce. I think that’s what’s happening.” L “Well, we might be the best rednecks.”

GMMore: R “What is “piede”? Lizzie (laughing) “It’s feet. I made it with my feet.”

L “This is Lizzie’s idea of a prank. You know, the way that you just laughed at us added six months to your life!”

GMM 1017: L (singing ->) “Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 1,064?”

L “And to help us with the board today, please welcome Stevie! She’s extraordinary at removing center tiles from boards!” R “I’m a big fan of her as well!”

R “...cats are like, they don’t even have souls, man.” L “I agree with that.”  

R “I know animals so well, man! I’m a party animal!”

L (reading->) “Big Bertha isn’t just what you name that atypical mole on your back-” R “Shout-out to Buddy System!“

Both “All jerky, all the time!”

GMMore: R “I appreciate cat lovers.” L “I like cats. I like the idea of cats.” R “I like kittens.”

L “I’m a dark meat man.” “Here we go, Gilbert. Doin’ a little food challenge. Woo-wee, Gilbert! We’ve made it to the big time! Chewin’ on taffy.”

R “Chicken ain’t denture cream. You can probably get chicken-flavored denture cream.” “If two things occur to two people independently, it must be true.” “Now, you’re onto something! Peanut butter is glue, unlike chicken. I agree with you now.” “You feel like such an idiot when you choke on peanut butter. You’re like, ‘I know I’m gonna be okay, but I feel like such a turd.’”

R “Chicken’s not glue. Show me a chicken and show me glue. Totally different things.” L “Rhett, if it doesn’t hurt you, don’t worry about it.”

L “I got chicken mouth.” “Hey buddy, whatcha doin’ this afternoon? You wanna come over to my house and play checkers?” R “No.” L “Call me chicken teeth.”

R “This is unpleasant to do. I know it’s unpleasant to watch. Why are you watching this?” L “Or listen to. I’m sure it doesn’t sound great.” R “You should click away. We have a lot of other videos. Or you could stay. Thanks for staying! Really? You’re still watching this? Weird.”

R “Now, what is that?” L “I think it’s an incisor.” R “That’s a corn. A piece of corn! Could be a lil’ feller, I don’t know.”

GMM 1018: R “Sadly, he hasn’t uploaded anything over there for two years. The last video which I checked out was ‘Aerial View of Garbage.’ L “That’s what he called it? R “Yeah!” L “And that’s what it was?” R “I watched it 14 times in a row! You would not believe how interesting aerial garbage is!”

L “...I love a good royal burger at a zoo.”

R “Listen, I’ve been to TGI Fridays and the people there don’t look like this. I mean, I’ve been to it a number of times in Fuquay-Varina.” L “Everybody’s making out in the Fridays I go to. No mistletoe needed.”

L “...Rhett, I know you’re a huge fan of sensual pop sensation, Enrique Iglesias.” R “ Oh, yes I am! I’m an Enrique-boy.”

R “Oh, poor Enrique.” “That’s why we love you, Enrique. That’s why we’re your boys. That’s why we love you, because of the heart of the shirt.”

GMMore: L "Slow burn."

GMM 1019: L “This is how I typically break bulbs. (yelling->) Why am I the only one in this house that turns off all the lights? I’m always turning off the lights after everybody!” “Woowee! We’re having fun today!” “I usually throw tantrums when I have to do household chores.”

R “I wasn’t joking about turning this into a light.” L “Let’s do it. So, put one hand here, and the other hand-” R “No, and then, just like this, and then we rub these hands.” (rubbing each other’s hands together) R “What if it worked, man? What if that worked? We’d change the world!” L “Well, I’m glad we’re taping.” R “That’s not what’s gonna happen.” L “We do use tapes still.”

R “Don’t insult our light, man!” L “Hello. I live in this light. I am a potato.”

L “Never look down the barrel of a flashlight.” R (pretending to be shocked) “Bzz. Bzz.” L “That’s a dad joke if I’ve ever seen one.”

GMMore: L “There are no winners or losers because everyone wins when you’re playing with potatoes.” “I don’t like movies, rather, that make me feel like I need to hold my breath.”

R “Paint me like your french fries, Jack.” L “I don’t have any brushes.”

R “Hey Jack, these aren’t my eyes.” L “Oh.” R “They’re too low to be my eyes.” L “And cut.”

R (singing->) “Love will build a bridge,

Between your heart and mine.

Love will build a bridge.

All you need is time.

Don’t you think it’s time?”

R “Merry Christmas, mother - “ L “Yippy ki-yay.”

L (singing) “First you get the limbo stick,

then you go right under it.

Then you get on the other side,

and you stand up when you get to the other side.

Mmm, tally me banana.”

GMM 1020: L “Super Recognizer for ‘Good Mythical Morning!’ You did it, Rhett!”

R “And thank you for being you who I recognize.”

GMMore: L “Poise your fingers for some URL-age.” “www.MythicalMailMuseum.com.” “I have a perfect memory and Rhett thinks he’s the super recognizer.”

R “Matches and a candle ‘cause it stinks.” “I’ve been calling ‘beanies’ ‘hoodies’ for weeks! What is wrong with me?!” “Wow, a little window into how Link’s brain works right there.” “Oh! Six woods! I wanna eat it so bad.” “Davis the laminator.”

R “So, I think there are two sides to this. The first one is, if you’re like me, and I think most people are, when you meet somebody new, even if you say-” L “That’s a sad thought, by the way.”

Both “Do sha do dat.”

L “Shout out to Blake Griffin, the mythical beast. We should have him on the show ‘cause his last name is a mythical beast.” R “We should.” L “He’s got a good sense of humor.” R “Let’s make that happen.” L “And he’s got a big foot. He’s got a big foot and he’s a basketball player.”

L “Blake Griffin, we challenge you to a calf circumference versus Link’s torso circumference challenge-” R “But only” L “In person!” R “in person.”

L “J.J. Redick, you’re invited, too. ‘Cause you have a podcast that Rhett has listened to.”

GMM 1021: R “Breakfast is regarded to be the most important meal of the day, followed closely by second breakfast.” “All of those are important, but when you’re in America, you pretty much just have to settle for beggs, which is my way of saying eggs and bacon, or bacon and eggs, or add a little cheese. That’s all we get is beggs!” (Recurring, in variation->) “I would be willing to bet all of the money that I’ve ever seen…” “I got a freakin’ Moroccan magnet on my darts!” “Oh come on, man. Take a trip to Iceland with me.”

R “Hmm, that’s a clint. Hold on!” L “We went to high school with a guy named Clint.” R “No! Let me tell you what happened! I said ‘hint’ and ‘clue’ together. And then it’s a clint!”

GMM 1022: R “Please enter my office, patient Neal!” “I’m a jive doctor so sometimes I use medical terms and sometimes I just freeflow and use slang terms.”

L “Why am I not just naked with this box on me?” R “Baby steps on this show.” L “Okay.” R  “You know? We work our way up to full nakedness.”

L “Amputate me!” R “That’s not the first time I’ve heard that in this office.”

L “So how can you see something on me that I can’t see on you?” R “Isn’t that the question?”

R “As revealed in episode three of Buddy System, I actually do not have one of these.” L “Never, you don’t.” R “I had one at birth, but the doctor threw it away with the placenta.” L “Oh!” R “It’s in a garbage bin somewhere.”

R “You played with mine, man. How could you forget so quickly?” L “Oh! That! The hangy down backside of the elbow!” R “You’re right, Link!” L “Weenis!” R “That’s your weenis! I’ve got a saggy one, and I’m proud of it!”

R “And you win your very own Neal Anatomy Chart!” … L “We’re going to give it to what will soon-to-be a former fan.”

GMMore: L “I feel like an alien watching another species when you tell me these type of things because, admittedly, way past to a fault, I’m very frugal, and I have to justify every single purchase, but I feel like I’ve broken new ground.” “And then halfway through, I’m like, ‘I shouldn’t do this. This is stupid.’ I’m like, ‘but Rhett would be proud of me.’” “They are Air Trainer SC 2 QS's.” “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Bo Jackson, ‘Bo Knows’ shoe…”

R “I’m not a collector, I’m just a buyer.”

L “There’s no real crotch under here, it’s just material.” … R “You heard it here. There’s no real crotch under there. I’m sure it comes as a surprise to all of you.”

R “They got a little pink on them.” L “Well, that’s orange.”

GMM 1023: L “Me and my sports bra dance amongst the windmills.”

R “And because it makes your finger feel and look shorter than it actually is, I suggest only using this on fingers. Keep it on the hands,” L “Noted!” R “and everything will be okay.” L “That gave me a weird sensation, you know?” R “That’s what we’re all about here.” L “It’s an illusion!’

R “This is a mirror, but it is just sorcery. This is actual sorcery.” L “Mirror sorcery.” R “This is the first illusion that has just been determined to be actual sorcery…” L “That man is a mirror witch.”

R “Looks like a bunch of little burgers.” L “Is that undulating for you?” R “It makes me hungry.”

R “You shut the chicken up, man.”

GMMore: R “One time my dad told me, he was like, you know, in Vermont, chicken [censored word] is not a bad word.”

L “I am so hot right now, I have to take this sports bra off.” … “I can’t think straight.” R “Oh, is that what it is? Do you always have this on?”

GMMore: L “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Method Guy, the magician!”

GMM 1024: R “When we were kids, you know what we had? We had pick-up sticks and sticks!” “Out with the yo, and in with the bro. Introducing, the Bro-Yo.”

L “That’s pop culture relevancy!” “You’re not going to make a house, but you can make, like, a really nice leg fence.” “It looks like something that would be in a back closet of Westworld, you know?”

GMMore: Both: “Aaaaaahhh!” “Nooooo!”

L “Youth leaders across the nation are clamoring for the Amazon Link for this device.” “I just like whipped cream. I’m losing on purpose!”

GMM 1025: Both singing:

“Humuhumunukunukuāpuaʻa, ah

Vacation is better with two, aua’a

Humuhumunukunukuāpuaʻa, ah

Vacation is better with you, aua’a.”

GMM 1026: R “We can really spell anything with fingerling cookies.” “Spin the wheel, Neal!”

L “Welcome my dad, Charles, to Good Mythical Morning!” “Chef Charles!” “Do you see where I get it from?”

Charles “Y’all lived here so long, you don’t understand southern anymore?”

L “Sing the cookie song, dad.” Charles “Cookie, cookie, cookie!” R “He doesn’t remember it either.” L (singing) “C is for cookie. That’s good enough for me!”

L “Oo, I’m not good at these type of questions.” Charles “And we got two engineering students can’t figure that out.”  

R “Good.” L “What is it?” Stevie “That’s a cat food cookie.” L “Keep eating it if you like it so much.” R “It’s really not that bad! Cats don’t have it too bad!”

GMMore: L “Hey, baby, I’m bringin’ out my lotion cookies!” “My daughter likes to bake cookies, and I actually ask her, I mentioned this to her, I came home one day and Lily had a surprise in the fridge for me and it was chocolate chipless chocolate cookie dough that she had made from scratch for me.” “And it happened.” “I ate it all over the course of 2 days, over a weekend. It was like, once this bowl of this stuff, this kryptonite is in here, I’m gonna gobble it up just like Superman does.”

L “I like chocolate chipless chocolate chip cookie dough. You feel me?” R “That’s just cookie dough, man.” L “Well, yeah it is.” R “Are you just now getting this?”

L “I live a rich lifestyle, Rhett. Tell him about it, dad.” Charles “Yeah-” L “But don’t tell him too much.” R “Yeah, you’ve been staying with him for a couple of days. What is it like over there at his house? He never lets me stay over there anymore.”

Charles “...it’s been nice being here to see y’all.”

R “Listen, you have to promise me right now. You have to do this with your hair when you get his age. In order for us to still be friends when you’re still old, you have to have your hair just like this.”

GMM 1027: L “Never walk into a turkey penis. Never.” R “That’s the beginning of a bad joke.”

R “‘Kee-kee’ like Kiki Shepard, Showtime at the Apollo?” L “Mmhmm.” R “That’s a reference that me and you and no one else gets.”

R “Turkey me!”

L “And when it comes to turkey, I am a breast man, but when it comes to humans, I’m a wing man because I am married.” R “Oh, that was slick!” L ”Happily married.”

GMMore: L “I’m going to Narnia. I’m bringing Bob Ross with me!” “Bacolurkeychocoleg.”

R “Don’t apologize for the starfood before I eat it.” “Bacolurkeychocoleg at the Chinese province fair, there’s a ferris wheel. We gotta dress like dragons though, I think.” “We only sell it on the new year to smokers.”

GMM 1028: R “You might be surprised to know that in all the years that we’ve known each other and all the stupid things that we’ve done on this show and off, I’m proud to say, we have never been arrested.” L “Nope! I guess we’ve just had a very long, lucky streak…”

L “I ain’t afraid of no pasty white dude kicking a soccer ball against graves.”

GMM 1029: R “Don’t reduce a person to just their face.” “They call this scruff, Link. It’s not scrub. Now you can scrub it, but they call it scruff.”

L “It’s like the annual corporate Mythical Entertainment facial analysis.” “Bearded boy with dangerous brow. Fake nose ‘cause I’m not stupid!”

L “Your nose feels nothing like it looks.” Jen “What does it feel like?” R “How often you feelin’ people’s noses, man?” L “I don’t wanna offend you. You got a great looking nose!’ Jen “I know. It’s very swoopy.”

GMMore: R “Is this going to involve his mouth not moving?” Chase “Yes.” R “Oh, great.” Chase “That make you happy?” R “Yeah, makes me real happy.”

R “I mean, how many times in your life have you been in a situation where people could be doing anything to you?” “...all the survival adaptations that I have in my body are telling me that you should not relax and let someone that you don’t know very well poke you…” “I don’t care how old you are, if you’re about to get a physical and you’re going in and you’re self-conscious about having this doctor inspect you in a way that you probably don’t want anyone inspecting you, when you’re in that situation, I want you to picture yourself as a dolphin caught in a net, and be like, ‘ultimately, in the scheme of my life, this doctor needs to do this to get me out of the net. Otherwise, I’m going to be taken and turned into tuna with all the rest of the tuna.’” “Your two small dolphins that are in your pants.” “I should teach kids things.” “I  should write children’s books. I should write one called ‘Two Dolphins in a Net.’ It’s like for all boys who are going in for their first physical.”

GMM 1030: R “Happy Thanksgiving to all you mythical beasts in America and beyond! You can enjoy Thanksgiving celebration. We are very thankful to each and every one of you who has chosen to make this show a part of your daily routine.” “When the gravy film wants to unload, let it go! Don’t resist it. Don’t resist a gravy film that wants to get out.” “I actually just, I totally forgot, I recently found out that I’m lactose intolerant.”

L (singing) “Some gravy dip makes everything so much better. Gray dip.”

L “Ice cream spinnage.” R “Ice creamed spinach.” L “Spinnage.” R “Hold on.” L “I know you don’t like how I say it.” R “Well, ‘cause you don’t say it, I don’t, It’s not about what I like, it’s about being right.” L “Spinach.” R “Spinnage is what happens when you start spinning something. Spinach is a leafy vegetable that you eat.”

L “Hey, it was worth a shot. I’m sure the kids’ll love it.” R “Are you saying don’t try that one?” L “Just give it to the kids. Send them in another room.”

R “You gonna be okay?” L “Not emotionally.”

L “Introducing, the revamped Wheel of Gifticality, where we’re going to be giving gifts to you through the end of the year.”

GMMore: L (singing) “My stomach don’t feel good already. Gonna have to get [a] call from Betty.”

“‘Cause it cuts like a knife!”

L “Betty calls me whenever I get a upset tummy.” “Don’t you guys care?”

R “I’m thankful for soylent.”

GMM 1031: L “Some Mythical Beanies!” … R “We will actually put these on our heads later, but our hair is too valuable.”

L “And I’m a late bloomer to the corndog, actually.” “I just want you to look in there.” “I’ll tell you right now, this right here, is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever eaten in an episode of ‘Will It.’” “And I don’t even love eggnog!” “Gather around for the Escorndogo, children.” “Je suis barrel.”

R “When did you start liking corndogs?” “Uh, about eight years ago. I don’t know why. But I love them now.” R “It was just an event.” L “I was just like, there’s other things I’ll always order.”

R “It’s tastes exactly like you think it does. All your wildest dreams just came true in my mouth.” “I’m like a nog factory over here!” “Man, I caught your puke.”

L (singing) “Corndoggy-dog. The street dog.”

L “Look, this is like an intergalactic corndog ship making its way into my mouth orifice. You know what I’m saying? Like in space?” R “I’ve never seen a spaceship like that, Link. Maybe a blimp?” L “It’s an intergalactic corndog blimp.” R “That rides the solar winds.”

L “What kind of outfit has access to a possum?” R “Probably that dude that we get all the weird meats from.”

L “Why are you still happy?” R “Well, that was entertaining, what you did.”

GMM 1032: L “You can over-jingle. It’s been done by us.” “Google ferrets in the snow. You’re welcome.”

L “It’s funny. When you opened your mouth, I felt coolness come out. Are you chewing gum?” R “I did earlier.” L “Like, I literally felt minty coolness at the end of my finger.” R “Well, that’s normal. My tongue gives off that all the time.”

L “You’re really leaning in to this hating cats.” R “Yeah, cat lovers! I’m leaning in!”

R “Wow, Link, you’re smart today! What kind of breakfast did you have?”... L “I love cats, and I’m looking for your vote in two years from now.”

R “Beborah, though, that’s-if I had a daughter, that would have been her name.” L “Google Beborah in the snow.”

GMM 1033: R “...I personally like my languages like I like my computer companies, made by one guy in a garage somewhere.” “Give me the CliffsNotes! Give me the Link’s notes!” “Summer Wood. That’s a good name.”

L “Not a good idea to speak Klingon on a first day-tch.”

R “It’s supposed to sound like Welsh and you know who’s Welsh, Link?” L “Catherine Zeta-Jones?” R “Yeah, she is!” L “I got a shot!”

L “If you pronouce my name backwards, it’s still Link Neal.” R “It is! We recently discovered that!” L “Someone tweeted that at me and it blew my mind!”

R “Anna zhokwa gomma et athmar hara.” “You know what you said?” L “No.” R “My big mouth has sores.” … “Poultice for the pouters.”

GMM 1034: L “I just need to make sure that you put a note in it, from me to my wife, that should say, ‘Dear Christy, my love birdy, I want to see you later, so call me. Love, Link.’” … Florist “Okay, let me see if I got this right. ‘Dear Chris, you’re my birdy, I will see you later, my lovely.” L “Perfect.” Florist “Okay. And then you want to add your name?” L “Link. Link is my name.” Florist “L-E-A-K?” L “Yes.” … L “Chris was about to get a nice surprise!”

R “Is there a particular bread product that has blueberries in it that you like?” Heather “Blueberry pancakes?” R “No, but it looks- it’s shaped like a cupcake. What do you call that?” Heather “Oh, blueberry muffins!”

L “Oh, the kangaroos in the trees, man!” Adler “Yeah, tree kangaroos.”

GMMore: R “...our first experience ever with ‘speech jamming’ was actually back in the early 90s when John Boy and Billy, radio duo in North Carolina, used to do this with a police officer called, named Donnie Pressley.”

R “Do you kids know about Gorbachev now, these days? Gorbachev was like- that’s who we cared about.” “He had that birthmark, man. Look at it. So endearing.”

GMM 1035: L “...then he opens presents that he got for himself.” R “That’s not too weird ‘cause my mom does that.” L “Year round?” R “No, no, no, I mean, for Christmas. And for her birthday. She’s done that for years.” L “She’s helping you out.” R “No, she’s helping my dad out.”

L “There must be a Miss Christmas out there. We must find her.” R “Link, I think I have a candidate for someone who can pair up with Mr. Christmas and it is The Gingerbread Woman.” L “We’re matchmaking.” … L “Mr. Christmas and The Gingerbread Woman.”

R “This woman is the Denny’s of thinking about gingerbread cookies.”

GMMore: R “I think mine looks like something you’d see in Belk, personally.” “I don’t believe in exterior decorations.” “The McLaughlins, we don’t believe in inconvenience [when you] do things like that.” “As many times as you and your wife have almost broken up because of the Christmas lights, you would never do that.” “I need to write on more pages with puppies.”

L “Oh my goodness, I can’t get enough of those icicles!” “Putty your house, girl!” “Did you see the McLaughlin’s house? They completely puttied it.”

Jen “Link’s sleeping over here.”

GMM 1036: L “Did you try to give me five? Because I didn’t try to give you five.” R “No.” L “Me neither.”

L “Chunky, chunky, steak, steak.” “Feelin’ good so far. This is a glorious brunch, my brotha!” “I could go out on a limby-limb-limb-limb.”

R “My hand was weird on that one. I usually don’t eat from somebody else’s hand. It’s not my typical taco-eating posture.” L “It felt weird because the crotch of the hand was against my face. You know, the hand-crotch?”

R “Spice is nice.” “Oh, gosh, I feel so conflicted! Ah, taconflicted.” “Link, congratulations. You are Don Juan de Taco.”

R “I feel confident. I feel so much taco confidence right now.” L “I just feel happy and stupid.” R “Taconfidence.” “I have high taconfidence levels.”

GMMore: R "I got cheese water now." L "Well, ain't nothing wrong with that." 

R "What I've discovered is that milk and ice cream...really set off the alarm bells in my tummy, but cheese, in small quantities, like a big glop that I put in my mouth, doesn't bother me as much." "We ate an eggroll one time off somebody's plate at a Chinese restaurant but because it was completely untouched and they had eaten on the other side of the plate, and we were like, 'that eggroll's completely untouched,' and we just reached over and grabbed it." "This is playing into my psychological need to finish anything on a plate in front of me. It's like, if y'all left me here without restrain, I'd finish the whole table..."

L "Smell the lettuce. That's their new slogan." "Stop and smell the lettuce." "That's what you get for crossing the lettuce." "I'm a Chipotle man. I do anything the Chipotle man can, which is basically just eat Chipotle." 

R "We're eating too much. That's what's happening here." L "Well, it's for science."

R "There's something my momma told me about finishing food that was on a plate that makes me feel like I have to." L "What? Do it?" R "Yeah. Clean your plate, son."

GMM 1037: L “Nipples so cold they could cut, cut glass. It’s like a song. Make it into a song: Nipples so cold they could cut, cut glass. I got nipples so cold, I could cut the glass, cut the glass, it’s a Michael Jackson song!” R “Oh, it’s an unreleased Michael Jackson song.” L “Yeah.” R “I wonder why he didn’t release that one.” L “‘Cause my nipple’s so cold!”

R “Just looking at hard cheese gives me hemorrhoids.” L “Don’t look at the hard cheese.”

L “Hard cheese is bad luck.” “I’m sorry, but I learned all of my British accents from ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and ‘Downton Abbey,’ so it’s either one or the other.” “

R “There’s another song that steak sauce comes out of the nipples.” L “Nipples so soft they ooze steak sauce!”

L “[Olly?], the crusty dragon retired by the sea,” R “He still lives there, huh?” L “and he frolics in the old lady’s dress cupboard when they’re getting tea.”

GMMore: L “What the shiz is that?” “The tea is perfectly serviceable.” “Let’s have a proper brew.” “Now that’s a good airy, airy whopper!” “I’m not a candy man, I’m a ham man. Give me ham!” “The Lord of Cadbury’s noggin has been scraped for the Flakes!” “They’re selling you air, Brits. They’re selling you air.” “We’re like aliens inspecting ca- [speaking in a monotone voice] This is a straight chocolate disc for the log. This one contains raisins, for the log. This one is not unlike a whopper.” “Americans love games.” “This is the best candy ever!”

R “It’s not bad, but I wouldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t choose to do that.” L “You know what? It actually says that on the box! It’s not bad but you’re not gonna wanna do it again.”

R “Do not give chocolate to your dogs. It will kill them.” “I’ve been trying to do better with my eating, and my life’s worse.” “It should be called ‘the bag of candy that’s a game!’” “Maybe that’s part of the game. Find the one that we don’t make.”

L “That’s the thing wrong with critics. They have to be critical.” R “That’s the thing wrong with critics. They talk right. It annoys me.”

R “Basset hounds,” L “Bassets stink, man.” R “They stink, man. They got, like, a musk.”... L “They must have musk.”

L “That tea has got you giddy!” R “What’s in this tea, y’all?”

R “Nothing happens on top of the rainbow. Just so you know.” L “You ever played Mario Kart?”

R "You know an American can't go more than seven days without nougat. They'll die!" (submitted by Ashley (Giraffely)) L “Yep. It’s also an insult in our country. Don’t ever call anyone a nougat."

GMM 1038: R (singing) “Footwear, footwear can my baby be?”

L “We make ourselves proud.” “Don’t burn ants with a shoe!”

R “That’s how I walk to the hall closet when I run out of t-p.”

R “You kids! When you run out of toilet paper, you gotta let mom know!” L “I can’t be creeping around like this!” R “Can’t be going through this hall like I got this scary, beautiful shoe on again.”

L “Shants.” R “Shants? Shoe pants?” L “Yeah. I shant be wearing those.”

GMMore: R “The first time I ever took, you remember Gregg, our college roommate,” L “I do.” R “the first time I ever took him home to my house, we were going back to Buies Creek and we were gonna be staying at my parents’ house and the whole time there, I was like, ‘I’m gonna screw around with Gregg,’ and so I said, ‘I’m gonna tell him that my dad is a cobbler and he makes shoes all night,’ and I was like, ‘if you have earplugs, bring them because he’s hammering on shoes and stuff-” L “OW! Gosh dog!” R “Don’t touch the freakin’ end of it. That’s the only rule of glue guns, man! You don’t touch the end of it.” L “Tell that to Gregg.” R “So the whole time, he thought I was legitimately serious that my dad was a cobbler and he was going to be making shoes when he got to my house and then we got to my house and it’s just a normal house.”

R “You know, Britney’s made quite a comeback. That new video, though. Good gracious. I made the mistake of watching that alone.” L “What are you-? You know that people are listening to this, right? The things that you say.”

R “This gonna be a tough one, buddy roll.”

R “I feel confident.” L “Well you always feel confident, but that doesn’t always make you right.”

L “Oh, son of a junk maker.” “Shout-out to Horatio Han and Kevin Crowley. We made your shoes, boys! We made your shoes!” “Buff, buff, buff. I’m a buffing freak.”

GMM 1039: R “Your concentration face is a lot like your constipated face.” “...owl dumplings taste like grandpa...”

L “But what does it mean? Lizzie is evil and Kevin is awesome!”

R “Are you left-handed?” L “No. Yes. Yes, maybe.”

R “Are hammer pants still cool?” L “Yes!”

R “Have you ever touched a college professor’s shoulder with your butt?” L “Yes!”

R “Is your dad actually just you sent back from the future making you your own father?” L “Yes!”

R “Do I look like a praying mantis when I shave my beard?” L “Yes!”

R “Would you ever pull my dry weenis?” L “No. Yes.” R “You have, yes.”

 

GMM 1040: L “You’re a good light painter, Rhett!”

R “It looks like a giant turkey leg, though.” L “Which is always what I thought violins looked like,” R “Yeah, right.” L “and they always make me hungry!”

R “Stock your stuffings!”