Rhett & Link Quotes, GMM 187-369

(Jan 6 2016) 

GMM 1-186, GMM 370-521, GMM 522-667, GMM 668-815, GMM 816-968, GMM 969-1051, GMM 1052-Current

GMM 187: L “It’s hard not for me not to be a party pooper, you know, but-.” R “That starts with a ‘p.’ You could be a party pooper.” L “Okay.” R “It’s like, ‘Kids, hey. I’m a party pooper.  I’m dressed as myself.’” L “Thanks for that, Rhett.” R “I gave you an out.” L “And now I get candy for myself.”

L (singing->) “Single rainbow all the way across my couch!” “You guys just stay at home. I’ll go and earn all the candy because I can do an amazing dance. It’s the furry dad dance. I’m doing it right now and I’m uncomfortable being in front of it.”

R “You may not always have cardboard laying around to create your Chewbacca costume, but that doesn’t really matter when you resemble Chewbacca naturally.”

GMM 188: R “As you spin that wheel, let me put this thought in your head. Time Rangerers. Emmy.” L “You mean like my ex half-sister Emmy?”

GMM 189: L “‘Dipping in the Kool Aid.’” R “This is when someone becomes convinced that prison is awesome.”

L “‘Keister.’” R “What they call Easter in prison. Happy Keister!” L “If someone wishes a you ‘Happy Keister,’ run.”

L “‘Monkey mouth.’” R “Cold sores. Look at that. He’s got a horrible case of ‘monkey mouth.’ Don’t kiss him, grandma!”

GMM 190: L “I think there’s something in every man who wants to take a space and then make it submit to him.” “...I had just given plasma cause that’s how I made money in college. I’m not ashamed to admit it.”

R “Did you invite me into this hideout?” L “Yeah, but I said, ‘Don’t drink from that straw. That’s my latrine.’”

L “Now, this is the front door of our dorm room and everyone in our hall had a white board where people could put messages. I think ours says, ‘Link, yore mom called.’”

R “We were bunkin’. We were gonna be bunk buddies.”

R “This is the best room on NC State’s campus and it’s no longer a dorm room unless they’ve reversed the policy. It’s a sad day.” L  “Maybe we can go back there and be squatters.” R “Really?” L “Yeah.” R “This time, I get the top bunk.”

GMM 191: L “We are making history right here.” R “Well, I think everybody doing anything is making some kind of history. The question is, is it significant history.” “That’s what the present is, Link. It’s nothing. It’s just simultaneously entering into the past and entering into the future. I should write a book about this! ‘The Present Doesn’t Exist’ by R.J. McLaughlin.” “I mispronounced my own last name cause I’m thinking of myself as a writer.” “I’m trying to launch my writing career.” 

L “We’re friends, but there’s a process here.” R "I'll tell you what the process is. I'm gonna find out where you're mountain biking and I'm just gonna show up and follow you.”

GMM 192: R “This is like the time we shared a sleeping bag- oh, we’re not supposed to talk about that.” L “No comment.” 

R “Wake up! You don’t even know who Iceman is.” 

GMM 193: L “Die, cut!”

GMM 194: L “Grooming my arm hair is something that I just wanted to be special to me.” “Yes, I groom my arm hair before we shoot every episode of ‘Good Mythical Morning.’” “I’m going to miss this chair. I love this chair.”

R “You don’t want to see my without a beard.” “I believe you can grow a moustache.”

GMM 195: R “The overall winner of Supernote 2012 is GenericTechGuy!” GenericTechGuy’s Supernote was 165 seconds long, that’s 2 minute and 45 seconds.” “There is something that we should all be proud of,  mythical beasts, and that is, once again, same as it was in 2010, we had the longest average Supernote of any team in the competition at 28.4 seconds. We have the best set of lung capacity, best Supernotes of any team. You’re not surprised, you know that. You knew that this was going to happen.”

GMM 196: Chuck Testa: (to R) “You can be the president.” “Absolutely, because if I don’t like ya, I’ll just assassinate ya!.”

R “ You're gonna give me the privilege of being the president?”

GMM 197: Joe: “Barheta.” “Goodbye other partners!”

R “I’ve had an aversion all my life. In fact, this is a family thing. This is a McLaughlin thing. We have an aversion to vomiting. In fact, there was a point while I was in college that my brother, my dad, and I, combined, had a 50 year non-vomit streak as the men in the McLaughlin family.” “I had so much pride in this that I used to write for our college paper at NC State and I wrote an article about it.” “You feel like an animal when it’s happening, too. You feel like an alien.” “Link’s gonna have a moustache when he comes back. He’s doing the Movember thing.” 

GMM 198: Shephard: “I want one of those fire [things].” R “One of these?” S “What do those do?” R “Just eat it. Don’t ask any questions. Just eat it. Just put it in your mouth. Don’t smell it. Just put it right in your mouth. Put it right in your mouth. Put it right in your mouth. Put it right in your mouth. Put it right in your mouth. Just put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth!” Locke “Give you six Pokemon!”

GMM 199: R “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my co-host for today’s episode...Today, it’s mustached Link.” 

L “I would pass by mirrors and give myself a double-take. I was like, ‘Who is that ‘70s-era detective who keeps following me in mirrors?’” "All French games are befuddling." 

R “Those are what they call, ‘soft balls.’” L "Which, incidentally, is the next James Bond movie." 

R "Author Ian Fleming was an avid bird watcher and named the character James Bond after famous ornithologist James Bond, studier of birds." L "I hope that that's true." R "It is true." L "Awesome! I love that! That's my favorite fact on earth now!" R "And he thought James Bond was suitably brief and unromantic. Interesting how that happens." L "Well, when you love birds, you got little time for much else."

GMM 200: R "The show is brought to you by the show." L "Can that even be happening?" R "We make the rules, man!"

L "And it's getting colder, I'm realizing the benefits of a warm upper lip. You never told me about how warm your upper lip was." R “Boy, I could grow a beard all over me if I could.” L "Like a bear?"

R "Body Beard. You know what? We should sell that. I think it's called a sweater." "It's made of the hair of donated beards." L "The beginning of a business just happened." 

GMM 201: L “I’m divin’ in, baby!” “Kids starts coming up to me, usually just my kids.” “I have three kids for a reason, so they can warm each other when the winter hits. That’s the only reason I have multiple kids. I was an only child and I was cold as a child.” “What is the beep boop boops? There’s no beepin’ and the boopin’ and the boppin’ anymore! What’s happenin’?”  “I’m thinking about burning dung.”

R “Kids start coming in the windows.” “...and as I’m doing this, I have one of these moments, that this happens to me fairly often,” L “You black out.” R “when I realize I am living in the future...” “It’s like, sometimes, I feel as if I have been transported from the past and here I am.”

GMM 202: R “I sleep standing up, every Thursday night.” L “Really?” R “Yeah.” L “I always thought we were working on Thursday nights.

L “Do horses sleep with their eyes open, or just standing? Don’t answer that. It’s a trap. That question was a trap.”

R “I feel stupid wearing the neck pillow, much more than wearing the upright sleeper. It’s like, you look like you’ve been injured.” “You look like you’ve been in an accident. ‘Sorry, sir. You okay? No, I’m just trying to nap.’”

R “I would definitely put this thing on in my house to block out my family.”

GMM 203: L “Who knew that carrots came in seeds?” R “Uh, me.”

 

GMM 204: L “...for all you vegans watching, we love ya. We love you. So, we’re all friends here.”

L “I’m thinking pizza. From, Link.” R “I’d like pizza for lunch. Sincerely, Rhett.”

GMM 205: R “My mom was a man.”

L “I like the idea of just getting precisely what I need from a hotel which is rejuvenation; sleep.” R “You are a slave to your own efficiency and that’s okay. That makes you, you’re a very efficient person. That’s why you were an industrial engineering major, so the efficiency of this system-”  L “Okay, I’ll take that as a back-handed compliment.” R “-appeals to you." 

GMM 206: L “I’ve never eaten a Twinkie and now, I will never be able to.” L “Okay, come back through, you worthless little piece of Twinkie horn! Brought to you by Little Debbie?”

R “To me, that’s like a modern person saying, ‘I’ve never had a shower.’” “Twinkie spread! I got four twinkies and I am not going to tell you how me and Jason acquired these because it may not be legal.” “One’s pointing at you, one’s pointing at me, one’s pointing at Jason and one’s pointing at the future.” “I’m glad I’m here for this. You’re becoming a man.” “You’re becoming an American man.”

 

GMM 207: R “Time to learn some stuffing about Thanksgiving.” L “Let's talk about that. Stupid.”

R “I eat like a whole half of a turkey, though.” “I could have that cream of mushroom injected right into my vein. I would just eat that right up.”

L “Turkey is giving it up. Give it up, turkey. I do not eat turkey. I eat ham. I don’t like turkey and I’m still a person. I’m still a human being.” “Sugar was a luxury. They did not have-a da sugar. I do not have-a enough sugar to make-a da cranberry.” “We learned something today, and I’m happy about it!”

GMM 208: segment called “I’m Thankful for…” (can take many quotes from this)

L “I know one of those if I ever looked at it, which I had never really wanted to.” R follows w/ “Happy Thanksgiving. Pass the cranberry sauce.”

L “Don’t look at the scrotum when eating anything. Nothing tastes good when looking at a scrotum.” "You know, um, well all these years, I mean...what gender did you think I was?"

 

GMM 209: L “Literally, life is being SUCKED out of me to be in a shopping place.”  

 

GMM 210: R “If your wife wants a Furby, you’re doing something wrong.”

 

GMM 211: R “Alone, we’re very stupid, but together, we’re almost as smart as a smart person.” "I just think...we should hold hands wherever we go and be prepared for anything."

GMM 212: R “But 3 is like the envelope has come out and there’s like hobbit blood all over the floor.”

 

GMM 213: R “I wanna be a monk with a family.”

GMM 214 R  “You ever go through those moment in life, Link, where you feel like a wound, a scab is being removed from a wound and you just well up and you start crying? That’s happening to me like every fifteen minutes.”

L  “And that’s when I said, ‘That’s not my finger.’”

SEASON THREE 

GMM 215: L "Whoever invented the vest gets a left-handed salute from me. Thank you!" “I’m more of a lumberjack kind of a guy than a fashionista kind of a guy. Definitely. Hopefully, Maybe?” “Rhett. Pants peer. Pants soiler.”

R: “Why keep hair from growing anywhere on your body if it naturally wants to grow? It’s unnatural to stop the process, to arrest the hair. Let hair be where it wants to be. The hair wants to be right there? Let it be there!”

GMM 216: R “Link, I’m sad to say is still wearing a vest.” “I injured my shoulder playing NintendoLand.” “I think I’m a better father.”

L “I purchased this myself so let’s not talk about my vest anymore, okay?” R “In a month, I’ll have a vest. I’ll be eating my words. I’ll have a parrot on each shoulder just pooping all over me.”

L “Now, it’s not necessarily my idea of a good time sinking my bare foot into a half-eaten soggy cheeto, but the kids loved it.” R “When you see a brown cheeto in the pool, that’s not a cheeto.”

GMM 217:  L "Well, keyword, 'catharsis'. Look it up.”

R “I know what it is. It’s my nickname in high school." “In your defense, Lincoln is the most fish-like of your children.” “‘Where’s that fuel hole at?’ Sounds like an insult.” “Caught by the fuel hole.” “I’m worried about you. I’m glad you own a vest.”

GMM 218: R “My wife’s maiden name is Lane so whenever we see ‘Jessie Lane’, we see a picture of it.” L “You’ve seen that?” R “Yeah, we’ve never really taken a picture of it, though.” L “And is she in witness protection?” R “Yes.” L “Bingo!”

L “...if I ever run face first into a fence, the very next place I’m going is a fashion show.” “I think it is my life-long dream to be a room inspector.” “If I have another child, I’m definitely going to name him ‘Sheeder.’”

L “Everything you send us that we deem appropriate for the Mythical Mail Boulder, that’s what I’m gonna call it. We’re gonna take and we’re gonna glue it together. This thing’s gonna get huge! I don’t know what we’re gonna do with it.” “I just think it’s a way to create something that represents all of our efforts together...”

L “This thing could be huge, people. We might have to rent space for it. Who knows. It’s gonna be amazing.” R “‘Storage Wars.’ It’ll be featured on an episode of ‘Storage Wars’?”

GMM 219: R “We should sell pants… Let’s just become like J.Crew.”

R “I write my science teacher letters.” L “Write mr. science teacher a letter, people.”

GMM 220: R “Me and you are not spring chickens.” “Listen, I do all the thinking for both of us, so all you gotta do is just sit here and enjoy the ride.”

L "As you know, old people love trash music.” “...I don't believe in retirement. Nope, that's the lazy man's excuse for just giving up on life.”

GMM 221: L “So I am a closet exerciser and you are a pathetic loser.”

R “If you’re one guy, you just need another guy...and 2 weights. 2 Guys 2 Weights.” “Can you say Tumblr gif?”

L “Harness the awkwardness!”

GMM 222: L “Did you get the memo? It’s authentic t-shirt and memo day!” “A mamajamo nanny! A mamajamo! Whoa!” “I don’t know what it is, I just want it in a sandwich!” “Palegg it up!’  “Nothing beats the yaghan language.” “I don’t want to Koi No Yokan the bear! Why don’t you Koi No Yokan the bear.” “Oh, baby. Come here so I can cafune you. I want to cafune your hair.” “Go cafune yourself.”

R “I will say that my wife said last night, she said, ‘I think it might be time to trim the beard.’ I said, ‘Really? I was just waiting for the green light from you, baby.’ But I’m gonna give it another-you know. It’s starting to go into my mouth. I’m starting to taste things that were on the beard earlier.” “It happens during Koi No Yokan, leads to cafuning.”

R “My mom watches every episode.” “She’ll text me, she’ll call me.” “She says, ‘I feel like I get to connect with you every single day.’ L “Mama Di, thanks for watching.” R “Love you, mom.” L “Name is Diane. We call her Mama Di.”

GMM 223: R “There’s a trash truck going by right now but it’s not playing music, and that disappoints me.”

L “Never make eye contact with the guy you’re exercising with.”

GMM 224:L "This is to help you elongate your life because I care about you." "I don't want you to die, prematurely." “It’s like a burger version of a Death Star.” “There’s nothing better to talk about while taking a huge bite of that than colorectal cancer.”

R "Why? Cause 'Link.com' is taken." “Whoo, boy. That’s what I was MADE FOR RIGHT THERE!”

GMM 225: R “But you know what they say about guys with bowties.…that guy with the bowtie? I don’t like that guy.”

L "We do not take lightly the fact that we are privileged to be able to do this." "Fostering mistrust with all his children. The father of the year."

GMM 226: R “I care more about William Shatner than you do because I just want to enjoy his presence and his voice and his trucker hat and let him enjoy his dinner and his life with his kids…”

L “Did you take a photo?” R “No, you’re that guy. I’m not that guy.” L “But that’s why I need to be with you. I should have been there!”

L “I love freakin’ medallions. I have a medallion on now, but it’s got something personal on it so I’ve got it under my t-shirt.” R “A picture of me?” L “No.”

L “People are complaining about how I spin the wheel. Why don’t you come here and spin the wheel? Thank you very much.”

GMM 227: L “...sometimes when I feel bad, like I want my heart to be warmed, I will think to myself, ‘I want pizza.’” “If I was going to heist a place,... it would be a Papa John’s. I freaking love Papa John’s. Have I already mentioned that when I’m depressed, I want pizza?” “I love Papa John’s pizza. It makes me so happy.” “I feel so vulnerable in a good way.”

GMM 228: R “You totally disrespected my wife. You stuck your spoon into my wife’s peanut butter and her nutella!”

GMM 229 (*This episode is long on purpose. It played 3x over for the holiday.): R “I’ve known you for quite a while and I’ve never known that Groundhog Day is your favorite holiday.” L “I just decided. It wasn’t before today.”

L “I love the weather, man. You know that about me.” You know when I was young what I wanted to be when I grew up. A weatherman!” “...I decided to do other things, pursue other paths that have led me to this, but still, in my heart of hearts, I’m a weatherman.” “Whistle when you mate. Isn’t that a song?”

R “When I think about ‘Groundhog Day,’ I think about the movie and that makes me happy.”

L “Say you’re sorry! Say you’re sorry, boy! Say you’re sorry!” R “You’re sorry!”

L “Say I’m sorry.” R “You’re sorry.”

GMM 230: R “...my son asked me this question, ‘where do babies come from,’ and I lied to him.” L “And what did you say?” R “I told him it had something to do with the tides.”

GMM 231: L “...today is the day, Rhett, your beard is coming off,... and if I had my way, you’re going all the way, you’re going naked face." “Where’s your bear? Do you have a pet bear?” (referring to R’s beard) “ Patrick Joron comments, ‘The Beard good gracious what happened hahahahahahah.’” "Now, when we were younger, I used to cut all of our friends' hair." 

R “I will go clean shaven for $10,000, no less.” “This past weekend, I grilled. I made some ribs and I could smell the smoke from the grill the next night when I was going to bed. I was like, ‘somebody’s grilling something.’ I was like, ‘no, it’s my beard.’” "Give me a moment of freaking silence with my own beard!" 

GMM 232: R “Over the past 24 hours, I have-” L “You’ve been doing Two Guys Two Weights.” R “I have de-aged 10 years, I’m now 25 again and I lost 15 pounds.”

R “Your haircut has insulted me on a root level.” “It really comes down ot the wings. It’s almost like you’re about to fly about at any moment and I realize that that was a big deal like in ‘93 and in ‘75, it was also kind of a pretty awesome thing, but you’ve been trying for 5 years to bring the wings back, but the flight has landed and I’m sorry, but I just feel like you need to change it up a little bit.” L “And the alternative is this?”

GMM 233: R “What if my thing was that I just kept my eyes closed all the time? What if everything was the same?” L “Then your eyes wouldn’t pop out of your head.” R “But it was just my thing.” L “Well, you would seem like you wouldn’t have eyesight.” R “I would seem like I was constantly enjoying the moment.” L “Or constantly smelling something, something that smells good.”

L “I’m gonna read a letter! I’m gonna read a letter!’ (singing) “Have a Twinkie on me! I think that’s a song.” “Oh, look at me. I got beads for eyes. I look like a possessed hawk.” “I know, I can tell you care about me by shooting at my face.” “Name your price, Mark. Name your price. We will buy this pinball machine. We must have it, or a replica or something.” “He was killed in the line of algebra.” “This guy has muscles and a tan. This can never be Rhett.”

R (singing) “Just have a Twinkie. Just have a little Twinkie on me.” “Think about what I’m gonna look like when I get old. You’re gonna be embarrassed to be with me.”

GMM 234: L “I love Wal-Mart! Wal-Mart tastes goood!” “We’re taking this really seriously. It’s like everything depends on this.”

R “You could be the poster boy for Wal-Mart. “It all tasted great to me!” “Just how I like my ice cream, on a plate.” "You're like a depressed cheerleader." "I'm the generic expert." 

R “We are getting a lot of treats today.” L “We deserve it.”

GMM 235: R “I live by my own rules.” L “And my main rule is Burger King.”

L “It killed him, it’ll kill us all! Line ‘em up, people!” “Ewww! Respect.” “I bet everybody’s like, ‘pshh, I’ve seen this one before’ and they just slam the door. ‘They’re doing the funeral prank, man. They’re gonna say they all want a Whopper and they wanna put one on the dead guy’s coffin. Don’t fall for that man. It’s just YouTube. They’re just trying to put over on- Oh, no, that really is him. He is dead. Give him a Whopper.’” “Endorse my life in death.”

R “I’ll shake your hand right now. I will try to work out a way to get R. Kelly to sing at your funeral.”

GMM 236: R “How did you know that I was gonna fire you today?” L “This is not about - well, you don’t have that power, my friend. This is not about me, is it?” R “I think I do. Look at the corporate book.” L “I’m not gonna be - we have a corporate book?” R “Yep. See?” L “No. For the record, I know that we do. If the lawyers are watching, we know about the corporate book and it’s all filled out appropriately.”

R “Now, there’s an opening for the second guy in the bobsled because he has no skill at all, he just sits there so I thought you could do that.” L “Well, the way I see it, there’s also an opening here for a guy who just sits here.”

GMM 237: L “This is the evening card.” “What happens after the card is private. I’ll just leave it at that.”

 

GMM 238: L “The Linkster reigns down on you!” “I love rest stops. Should I say that out loud?” “Reigning supreme, brother!”

R “Bacon was not meant to be liquefied.” “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Don’t look a bacon drink in the spout.” “Women love bacon breath.” “Barry sent some balls from Nebraska.”

R “Barry’s balls are really going well on the boulder.” L “Yeah, let’s do that again.”

 

GMM 239: L “How do you accidentally eat a blueberry?” R “I have a blueberry tree in my room.”

R “Don’t you watch television?” L “No. Should I?” R “Yes.”

 

GMM 240: L “I’m a good blind guesser.”

 

GMM 241: L “I have this fear whenever I go into a public restroom and I swear to you, every single time I go into a public restroom, there’s something in the back of my mind that says, ‘Hold on, are you in the women’s restroom?’” “I’m a bull, baby. I’m a bull.” “Men pee on everything.”

R “I want you to carry on my mission to get women everywhere to use urinals.” L “That’s it? That’s your last request?” R “Promise me you’ll get women to use urinals.” L “I promise. Syche.”

GMM 242: L “I think if you’re concerned about your cool points, then maybe it’s too late, but if you just wanna express yourself and be part of a movement, even if you join late, sure you don’t have those bragging rights, but it’s not about being cool, it’s about having fun, people. It’s never too late.”

GMM 243: R “I’ll eat anything twice.”

GMM 244: L “Smartness is not the only thing that matters, you know. Goodness matters.” “Don’t act like you’re okay with being stupid when you’re not.”

L “Do you think that you’re smart?” R “Well, you know. Uhhh, what do you mean by ‘smart’?”

 

GMM 245: (the long speeches to their “space”)

L “I mean, this is a two-way street. I mean, stop your bickering!”

R “Gonna have to start selling plasma again.” “Welcome to California.” “My choice is that we end this episode with Link talking on the phone to a cable provider so we can get internet. It’s funny how things work out that way sometimes.”

GMM 246: L “Whenever you move into a new facility, you should always wear the same outfit as the person that you do internetainment with.”

GMM 247: R “When I start thinking, my hands start sweating a little bit.” L “It’s funny that your hands sweat, my hands shake. I think that’s what makes us a good comedic team, Rhett. You’re the sweater and I’m the shaker.” “If you were a shaker and a sweater, that’d be bad because then you’d be like a wet dog just throwing sweat on everybody every time…”

L “Everything just gets loose by the time you have three kids.” R “Right, you don’t even feed the third one.” L “It’s just like, make your own breakfast-” R “Yeah, he’s like a cat.” L “Can you clean the house? Well, just, you don’t have a curfew, you can date anybody you want.” R “He’s only three.”

GMM 248: R “Well don’t apologize for giving me food, buddy!” “You know what they say about guys who like dark chocolate. I don’t know what they say. Use your imagination. I don’t know.” “I love cheese in so many different forms. Sticks, balls, you know, strings, blocks, crumbles, curds.” “In fact, sometimes when I use the euphemism, ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,’ I’m actually saying-I’m being serious about it. Fry me up a horse steak.” “Some of the most exciting moments in my life have been at cattle races!”

L “I think that would make me cry. If I was eating a meatball and somebody said, ‘you know what, there’s horse in that.’ I think I too would cry unless there was cheese on it, too.” “Rhett loves horse. He eats it all the time.”

GMM 249: L “I love you, Rhett, as a brother.” R “I love you, too, Link.”  

L “‘...I love my wife more than I love you, Rhett.”

GMM 250: L “Don’t do as he says or as he does.”

L “...but I don’t do what you do, I am a horn blower, and I don’t mean, like, the hobbits.” R “I am a horn blower.”

 

GMM 251: L “I like a black seat on the toilet.” “Did I tell you I’m a deputy?” “Hello, lady, cheeky, cheeky. I’m a deputy in Great Britain. Would you like to see my firearm?”

 

GMM 252: L “I’m always looking for an opportunity to wear my bolo tie.” “Southern California, you need to bring that turtleneck. It might get cold.” “You need a turtleneck if you’re going on the beach.” “Whenever I see a magician that close, I’m like, ‘dang, I want to caress your nose.’” “I will go anywhere for Rick Thomas. Rick Thomas, if you’re watching, thank you for following your dreams.”

R “It’s just symbolic of the fact that things are happening.” L “Well, it’s not symbolic. It’s actually something happening. A woman looking for a knife.”

 

GMM 253: R “Sometimes you just got to sing a new song, you know. That’s my theme in life today!”

L “A mouse-sized elephant would melt my heart.”

R “I put together a blue whale and a hawk and I would call it a ‘whawk.’”

 

GMM 254: R “That’s the Rhett & Link financial plan. Go to rhettandlink.com and spend all your money.”

L “You see what happens, people. You tune in and you learn something and you can seem smarter to your friends. You’re not smarter, but you can seem smarter to your friends thanks to us, thanks to us. Say thanks to them.” Jason “Thanks to them.” L “Thanks to us.” Jason “Thanks to us.”

Jason: “Dinosaurs at the end of their lives.”

GMM 255: L “Can you just become me in your next lucid dream and fly?” “That’s called breakfast at your house, right?” “Let’s get a Kickstarter campaign to get you on the Price is Right.”

R “Sure, let me write that down.” “I woke up because my kids were yelling and fighting each other, and punching each other, gouging each other’s eyes out...You know once that happens, you can’t go back to sleep!”

GMM 256: R “If I’m not with you, and you get lost, you could die!”

GMM 257: L “The best thing is being able to express myself and be who I truly am and still be embraced by people watching on little screens. That is what I need in life. I need a digital embrace from those people. Digital embrace.” “Aliens use existing holes when probing.” “Actually, I can’t go back to 1961. I’d like to be able to do that, but that’s time travel and I don’t believe in that.”

R “You need an embrace? I can hug you! I got long arms, I can get all the way around you.” “Yeah, ‘Warp Drive and Happiness,’ it’s my favorite band in high school.” “Here’s the reality. When one of these shows starts, inevidently it must end. We don’t have a perpetual show ever. It isn’t as if the show is going to continue forever. It has an end. And when it begins, you need to be clear and understand that the ending is just a few minutes away from the beginning.”

GMM 258: L “Back when we shot the T-shirt War 2-McDonalds-Coke commercial, that’s what burned us. Halfway through, the people in charge of the whole thing came up to us and said, ‘uh, Link has on his wedding band.’...but they said ‘okay this is supposed to be roommates, single guys, you know, blah blah blah, you know, we have our reasons,’’ so we had to go in...Billy did it. He had to go in and had to hand-paint out in Photoshop my wedding band in every single frame.” R “But we hadn’t been filming all day, so it was just, like, the first, like, 10 to 15 seconds.” L “And I always forget to take it off before we shoot, so please don’t hold this against us. Our wives are fine with this. You can be fine with it, too.”

R “Who names a fish, ‘Professor?’” L “We do.” R “You guys.” L “You do.”

L “The Mythical Mail Boulder is uncopyrightable!”

L “You’re coming out of the close as a beard talker? I don’t think I should be here for this.” R “Well, you usually aren’t.”

GMM 259: L “I just think it’s cool that, in the land of Kentucky, that’s how you win a fight: by getting someone to eat a beard. That makes Kentucky awesome.” R “Eat your beard now!”

R “If you can’t get drunk and get on a horse, I mean, what good is there in this world?” “When there’s multiple pictures drawn by different people that look the same, it is proof that it actually exists."

GMM 260: R “....and 7 hours later, you think, ‘What have I done with my life?” “There’s nothing more dissatisfying than thinking you’ve seen butt-cheeks and then you realized it’s just an armpit.”

L “This is just the optical illusion that cargo shorts are still in style."

GMM 261: L “I’ll be honest. I was also thinking of that conversation that I knew I would have with lots of people. It’s like, ‘whoa, ‘Lando’, could your child be named after Lando Calrissian, the coolest character in all of Star Wars?’ and my response would be, ‘yes,’ and I would feel cool.” “I take pride in the fact that my name is different.” “I was going to name our daughter, ‘Ninja’, if we had another daughter, and I told Christy, ‘it’s just ‘Nina’ with a j.’”

R “We named our kids those things because both my wife and I have an interest, selfishly, in kinda seeming like, ‘oh, we’re a little different.’”

GMM 262: L “What does it mean when we both wanna build something in trees?” R “It means we ought to.”

L “Link for the win! Dropkick!”

GMM 263: L “I win! I win! I win!” “I beat him in an eating contest!” “Where would I go? Um, if I had one round trip ticket on a time machine? I would back to my moment of birth and I would dress up as a wizard and I would come into the room, the hospital room, and just as I was emerging from the womb, the baby me, the wizard me that traveled back in time would go back into that moment and say, ‘Oh, alas!’ and then I would deliver some amazing prophetic thing about how this baby was gonna be awesome. ‘In foreign realms, in the distant future, this child will be amazing! Don’t worship him, but give him lots of respect.’ Then I would poof away in my time machine.”

R “I think you have better insulation in your cheeks.” L “Well, thank you. Like a chipmunk.” R “Hey, that’s two things in a row you’ve won, man.” L “I’m a winner. I’m a consistent winner as of two things ago.” R “Maybe the tide is turning.”

GMM 264: R “Ladies and gentleman, for approximately the third or fourth time in my life, I have a ruptured disc.”

R “We’re not gonna release this episode?” L “If we release this episode, people are gonna feel sorry the whole time-” R “Good! I need some sympathy!”

GMM 265: L "I hope you're in a good mood today, but no matter what mood you're in, I trust that this will tickle your fancy." "I promise you, your fancy will be tickled."

R “Should I get married today? I don’t know. Somebody trying to marry me today?” “My hunger is too sacred.”

GMM 266: L “It’s people, people.”

R “Eating is amazing.”

GMM 267: R “Passion points. Did you invent that term?” L “I did. I have-” R “You should run a seminar at a hotel or something.” L “I have an IndieGoGo campaign raising money to trademark that.”

R “We’re adults now.” L “Questionable.” R “We’re equals.”

L “A giant can play with a Drutter!”

 

GMM 268: R “Sometimes you matter, sometimes you don’t matter. Depends on what mood we’re in.”

(Both singing) “Toby me, Toby me, Toby me, Toby me, Toby me.” “It’s a first name and last name. Daniels.”

L “For me, the answer’s easy, ‘realizing it was the story of your life, would you finish it to the end’, my answer is I would have already done that because whenever I read any book, I read the last line first. I-only the last sentence. It’s kinda like a game I play. So it’s like, I read the last sentence and cause it’s this risk of, is the very last sentence gonna spoil the last thing, and then I’m able to interpret the whole book as I’m reading to see if I’ve spoiled it.”

 

GMM 269: L “X-men. That’s not animated.” “I am the cartoon and hum [mode?] champion.”

R “If we enter need to enter a humming contest, you should let me be the hummer.”

GMM 270: L “I don’t think of things from an existential standpoint because I can’t spell it.”

GMM 271: L “Well, I just hang out in the shower with the water off sometimes.” R “And sing?” L “No, I do word searches.”

L “Ladies and gentleman, mythical beasts, especially those of you who have been loyal for many views and many years, we are pleased to announce that we are poised to launch our very own internet based show.” R “It’s gonna be called ‘The Mythical Show.’”

GMM 272: L “You see a scorpion. What makes you get it in your mouth?” R “Hunger.”

R “‘Tallest man to ever fit in a smart car.’ I could set that one right now!” L “Does anyone in the room have a smart car? ‘Cause I have a tall man and a record to break!”

R “Wow, you have ears? You have tops of ears?” L “Shut up!”

L “The ears are going back into the garage.”

GMM 273: R “We’re in the same key of life!”

L “Well, if you step in it, own it. That’s what I always say. And if you land in it, crawl out of it.”

GMM 274: L “Work within our limitations.” “I remember what I said!” “I like your attitude, Rhett.”

R “Oh! You don’t like something! Big surprise there!” “When I’m an old man, I just want you to just end it. I mean, like, when I’m really old. If I make it to, like 90, just do it man.” “I don’t want it to be slow, I want you to take me out.” “I don’t listen to you!” “Gotta take a risk to be a winner.” “You’ve been tied for a long time, but you feel like you’re winning.”

Jason: “You should know your own show!”

SEASON FOUR

GMM 275: L "What do you call that? That's called over-tight popped collar." R "It's called buttoned-up and popped up. It's called buttoned and popped up. All the kids are into it." L "You know what you should call it? A mistake."

L "I like cold spaghettios."

R "I was constantly climbing the social pyramid."

R "Link, I have something that I need to tell you." L "What is that?" R "Not only are you my son, but you're also my brother." L "And you're going to make out with me now?" R "No." L "Then don't grab me like that." R "It's not that kind of soap opera." 

GMMore (the first one!): L "..but there's so much more crap that happens after that, that's not worth showing you that we thought you'd be interested in." "Life doesn't end, it keeps going."

R "I feel like this is a good start."

GMM 276: L “If you’ve ever wondered how to obliterate a planet, it’s with 5 syllables, 7 syllables, and then 5 more syllables.” “Who knew he’d get so upset!”

R “Yeah, I like the name ‘Vanna’ on a woman.”

GMMore: L “I’m strong and you heard it here. Really? You think I’m strong?” R “No.”

GMM 277: L “My biggest request is for you to give me advice on how to speak.”

R “I drink a lot of milk, I’m tall, I have a lot of hair. Psh. I mean, hey. What’s wrong with that?” “Don’t go to rhettandlink.com/facebook.”

GMMore: R “Japan is a tributary for the internet.” “Do we need to give you, like, an energy bar or something? I’m worried about you. Google place and some other things and you know what, you’re only 35 and we’re gonna be doing this when we’re 75 and at that point, it’s just a sad state of affairs.”

GMM 278 (mislabeled as #277): L "The spiciest I get is this red shirt." "Feel like a dragon." 

R "Your eye can't hiccup, by the way. If they can, we're gonna find out what it sounds like."

L "I've never been this far before." R "That's a Conway Twitty song that I really like." L (singing->) "You've never been this far before." R "I couldn't tell." 

L "Hashtag hottest day ever. Hashtag hiccup Extravaganza." "Hashtag Can You see the Mucus Coming Out of My Nose?" "Hashtag Kleenex Please" "Hashtag That was stupid." "Hashtag Please give me some of that Ice Cream or I'll kill you in your sleep." "Hashtag Please." 

R "Hashtag real man." "Hashtag This Ice Cream Sure Helps With That Heat That's In My Mouth." "Hashtag risk taker." "Hashtag winning."

GMM 279 (mislabeled as #278): R “I think about Gizmo sometimes. I think about how I would love to cuddle with him. I’m just being completely honest.” “I don’t think I want to work with fancy Link.”

GMMore: L “I’m just bad with spoilers. We should just put a spoiler alert necklace around me or something.”

GMM 280: L “Laughter is like farting out of your mouth.” R “ Laughter is like a fart from your mouth.”

GMM 281: L “...the waiter comes up and he says, ‘What would you like to drink?’ and that’s when it happened. Somewhere in the ‘drink’ verbage, spit flew out of his mouth and landed into my mouth because I was turning to look at him.”

R “Was it a floater? Cause a lot of times, it’s such a small amount of spit that if it catches a light, it’s almost like a feather falling. That’s what I call ‘spittle.’” “This is what the social timeout is for.” “If I’m sitting there and a guy says ‘drink’ and it goes in my mouth, I’m like ‘Whoop! Time out! Just want to acknowledge you spit in my mouth. I’m gonna get it out now.’” “A social timeout is the opportunity to make a decision.”

GMMore: L “You’re the reserve. You’re on reserve for us and I’m calling you out of the reserves into active duty - Yes, I’m making a military analogy here - to start doing the social timeout.” “It can be a thing amongst our group of peoples.” “My grandma can get up off the couch and let one fart all the way to the refrigerator. It’s like a propellor.” “She’s doing okay. Shout-out to Nana. [makes farting sound]”

GMM 282: R “You’re a comedic genius.” “You should never make a decision,a group decision about eating in a restaurant that you’ve never been at without consulting an app.” “You shouldn’t be going in blind, people! You gotta use an app to make a decision.”

L “I feel like the empowerment quotient of our show has just gone through the roof.”

GMMore: R “I think, in the end, the internet is an empty place. You should not be watching this show.” L “We believe not in what we do for you.” R “Well, you should definitely not substitute the internet for real friendship, Kathleen.” L “Are you speaking from experience?” R “Yep.”

GMM 283: L “Sorry, lasagna. You can’t stick to anything. You’re really heavy. Just because you can make yourself into a good turtleneck doesn’t make you a good noodle.”

GMM 284: L "As many of you know, I am an avid mountain biker, or I mountain bike on occasion." "Life lesson here: If you wanna really experience something, you gotta go all in." "Have you never looked in a mirror?" 

R "No professional mountain biker ever pushes up a hill." 

GMMore: L "I'm afraid of what my wife might do to me in my sleep if I turn my back to her. Just joking." “And I said, 'Dude, you told me this was your first day. I don't want advice from a guy who it's his first day. I had on a bandana and sunglasses. You’re darn right I told him that.” (submitted by Rachel (Sylvarasaurus)) "I'm now banned from 711." 

R "The more details I get about this trip, I more happier I am I did not go." 

GMM 285: L “I’m more of a pantyhose guy, myself. No, I just like pantyhose. Nah, I just mean on womens. It’s like so smooth and bronze.”

R "Every time you put pantyhose on your head and try to surprise me, I always know it's you."

GMM 286: R “My eyes don’t need to get any bigger. These’ll pop out of my head if they get any bigger. I’m not into this. I’m checking out now.” “I had a lazy eye for a long time and maybe sometimes, it comes back.” “I trained myself, I was like, every time I look at something, I’m really going to look at it.” “I have overcome lazy eye just in my mind.” “My tongue is seriously going in a circle. What is wrong with me? Is the tongue connected to the eye muscle?”

L “I don’t care. This is not for you, it’s for them. But, you’re gonna wish you participated, Mr. Rhett.” “Your finger’s for other things... like pointing?” “You know you’re working out when your forehead bleeds.”

GMMore: R “Lots of good milk has been wasted because of bad side milk, Link.” “It was before last names. His name was, like, Hore.”

L “Is there why there is more than one teet? So that Hore and Hunk can get their milk in tandem?” R "Yep! History class, kids." 

GMM 287: L “People will let you down, Rhett.” "So you don't have free time, but you have enough time to stumble upon something called 'foam sculpture.'"

L "I think you should create a life or death situation that when if you were to hit the snooze, it would- no, no, no, let's get rid of the snooze...the alarm clock, as it goes off, it lights a fuse which then leads to something that will incinerate your whole house-" R "The Snooze Fuse?" L "The Snooze Fuse. That if you don't-" R "snoozefuse.com. Get it, Link! Now!" L "-if you don't get up and put out the fuse, there's going to be a fire." R "Really." L "Yeah, and that's an ugly way to go." 

R “Whe, what, ho, whoa, hey, hold on now, this is like the best idea I’ve ever had!” L "If you have free time, you need to do something for the betterment of society." R "People love art!" 

GMM 288: L “I love the way you lie, Rhett. I know the intricacies of it, like me and Rihanna.” “Give a man an inch and he’s gonna take an inchworm.”

R “I thought you were getting nude, because it's been on my mind."

GMMore: R “Chigger packs.”

Jason: “That’s an episode: ‘How to become a Klingon.’”

GMM 289: R “Purists! That’s why I wear silk underwear. Cause I’m a purist!”

L “Now, I think this should be framed and thrown away!” “I’m bringing pencil back because of this!” “I know how to draw. According to my kids, I’m a good drawer and you’re a good drawler.”

R “What is up with your dolphin’s butt?” L “I’m not good on proportions.” R “That’s the most obscene thing I’ve ever seen!”

L “I needed a dolphin butt.” R “Well, you got one.”

GMM 290: L “It brightens our day to know that we brighten your day. It’s like a match lighting a flame which then gets out of control so you have to stomp it out before your personal belongings catch.” R “Good analogy!” L “I’ll figure out what it means later.”

R “I aspire to be an old person.” “Without even prompting, the day after we got back, my wife made a meal and she had a side of beans. I started eating those beans and I said to myself, ‘I really like beans, like really like beans.’ I had no idea how much I actually liked beans. My point of application here is that I’m gonna be one step closer to being like Will Rogers and I’m gonna really get into beans. I betcha there’s a bean of the month club and I actually found something. It’s called ‘Beans for a Year.’ I’m gonna get 6 pounds of beans delivered to me every quarter for a full year and I’m going to be cooking them at my house. You can come over, we’ll have beans together.” L “Never have I ever been in a more face-palmable moment.” R “I’m totally serious about this! I feel inspired...”

L “I’ll be your tour guy!” “If you know how to use a rope, good things happen.”

L “King of the world!” R “And I’m the queen of the world!”

GMMore: R “No one like a half Omish.” L “Don’t go half Omish.”

R “If you’re gonna eat beans, eat as many beans as you can possibly pack into your stomach.”

GMM 291: L “Is this art?” “It has to be something that I can’t do, not something that I just didn't do. I can’t make letters, but I can put them in a pile.”

GMMore: L “We tell each other our breath stinks all the time.” “My secret’s out. Ms. Alice used to paint me.”

GMM 292: L “You can’t de-friend somebody cause they have a problem that they’re just ignorant of or something.”

R “And you just have to say, ‘Listen, hey. I know you might-you’re’ struggling with this and I’m your friend and I want to help you with this. I want you to know, as a friend, you stank. I can smell you from here. I smell ya right now. I always smell you before I see you.’ You can tell ‘em that. ‘And I wanna help you address this problem. Let’s figure it out together. Let’s unstink you together. You know, make it like a team effort.” L “Let’s unstink you together.”

R “Seriously, I think the key to happiness is setting low expectations.” “Yeah, send me a birthday present because Link doesn't’ give ‘em to me anymore.”

 

GMM 293: L “Okay. I ose, but I’m gonna lose gracefully.”

R “I look like a sheriff that might be dancing somewhere.”

GMMore: Jason “I wanna ask Link if you’ve ever been in handcuffs before?” R “That’s a loaded question.” L “[That’s a] leading question. No, I haven’t. Both of my grandfathers were in law enforcement.”

 

GMM 294: L “Why do I care what a mice believes happened in the past?” “I remember slaughtering the turtle with my knife, sheathing it, and then celebrating, and me and my dog walking in front of the turtle girls and they were just all like, ‘Oo, I wanna date you because you can slaughter a turtle.’ That’s what happened, right?” R “Yep.”

GMMore: L “You got a little bit of a mullet thing going here.” “It’s like a duck tail.” “Anybody else want a haircut? Stevie, you want me to work those bangs back in again?” “I’m constantly cutting my haircut.”

Jason “Did this just become ‘Good Mythical Haircut’?”

R “I do feel like a little bit of a mullet is not a bad thing.” L “A little bit of a mullet is a lot of a bad thing.”

GMM 295: R “I only learn inadvertently. I never learn on purpose.”  (put that on a t-shirt)

GMM 296: L “If you wanna move a big person, all it takes is just a little butt touch.”

GMM 297: R “ I inventered, ‘inventered’ right now!” L “That’s when you invent something stupid. You inventer it.”

L “We invented ‘Internetainment.’” “I think art can make a difference when severed fingers are involved.”

 

GMM 298: L “I don’t consider myself to be smart enough to be a nerd. I respect nerds because they’re smart. I’m just not smart enough. I can’t achieve nerdom and I’m a big fan of Lord of the Rings so I think that...I don’t know if I’m a geek. I’m just an everyday man.” “Fun it up over there in the RhettandLinKommunity!”

GMMore: R “Can I spin the globe and wherever it lands, we will handshake in a second and we will make a music before we die in the location where it lands.” L “Okay.” R “Colombia.”

 

GMM 299: L “We are in the present which used to be the past or used to be the future. What?”

R “We should have called ourselves, ‘Sparks and Honey.’ Missed opportunity, by the way!” “If you die first, I’m going to keep tweeting for you.”

GMMore: R “...when I’m with a group of people in an elevator, the only thing I’m thinking is what if I get trapped with these people? Who do I team up with. It’s like ‘Survivor.’”

GMM 300: L "Tasting is believing."

GMM 301: R “I’m ready to rant, always.”

GMMore: R “How’s the move, you freak? I’m a pillow! What is wrong with you? Put me under somebody’s else’s butt!”

L “I was already going with a different decision. That’s called ‘improv.’” “Sounds like the beginning of a commercial. ‘When I relax, I have small teeth.’” “Don’t be mad at me, orthodontic mouth-breathers.”

R “‘I’ve got a license to mouth-breathe.’ That’s a shirt!” L “That no one would understand.”

GMM 302: L "Fine print coming out of your mouth." "We wanna get ship-faced." 

R "Let's not enable shyness. Let's disable it."

R "I create a lot of shortness just by being myself." L "That's another t-shirt that you could [wear]. 'I create shortness wherever I go.'" 

L "Never tease a Klingon. They'll head-butt you with that appendage." R "That's another t-shirt."

L “You know what shipping means right. That's, on the internet-” R “Sending something out to be received from somebody else. Going on a cruise.” L “No, on the internet, when you ship two people, you put them in a relationship together.” R “Okay. I’m married.” L “You relationship people together.”

L "Now, we've got our relationships on lock." R “My relationship is on lock.” (t-shirt)

GMM 303: R “One foot in the grave, son.” “I don’t like to do anything on my birthday.” “Canadians know their beans.”

L “I grant wishes, I don’t make wishes. I’m not a factory.”

GMM 304: L “I know you get excited when you stroke the table.” R “When I wax on and I wax off on the table.”

L (acting) “I’m not gonna shoot you, I’m just gonna shove a fire poker into your brain if you don’t tell me where this five million dollars is, you old man.’ That’s what I would do. Let’s do it.” R “Do you need a pill of some sort? A tablet?”

GMMore: L “And then all of a sudden, as I’m laying there, I hear ‘Kerchickache’ (sound effect). I’m like, ‘What was that noise?’ and Lincoln was like, ‘I just took a mental picture of this, dad.’ Pretty sweet, isn't it. I’ll never forget that.”

 

GMM 305: L “Cereal now! Cereal, please, now! ” “Never go to a ferrari urinal alone.”

R "I will never not have a Ferrari." 

L “The Linkster’s good at third person.” R “Rhett thinks it helps if Linkster gives himself a nickname like Linkster. Should Rhett call himself Rhettster?” L “The Linkster agrees.”

GMMore: L “It’s very frustrating for me to hear the dreams you have about me.” “I would love to be able to experience this dream via animation.”

L “Keep it cool.” R “Keep it cool, man. Yeah. No reason not to keep it cool.”

 

GMM 306: L “I broke my board in half!”

R “I call him ‘The Linkster’ when we’re surfing because, you know, I’m like,-” L “It’s my surf name.” R “-you become ‘The Linkster’ when you’re out there.” L “I love it! I love it when people call me ‘The Linkster.’”

R “Science is happening on my face under this bandaid right now, Linkster.”

GMMore: L “I’m a man wearing what could be a Christmas sweater today.”

 

GMM 307: R “Welcome to question nation!”

R “Booyah! Now you see why my hair is down, okay-” L “You didn’t just say ‘booyah.’” R “I did. I been say ‘booyah’ a lot. I’m trying to bring it back. That and speed are really coming back strong.”

GMMore: L “I believe in the boulder.”

GMM 308: L “I don’t always go to the grocery store, but when I do, I get cereal.” “When’s the last time we ever ate cereal together?” “We’ve never eaten cereal together, Rhett. This makes me think we should do that.” “I just proved my friendship to you by laughing in your face when you started choking.”

R “I didn’t know cereal could make me uncomfortable.” “I mean, I was good friends with old women when I was a little kid.”

GMMore: L “Every time I’m in charge of dinner, we eat cereal at my house.” “I always have some on hand. It’s like having a fire extinguisher nearby.”

Both: “Honey Bunches Butt.” R “Hadn’t heard of that one.”

GMM 309: L “...we follow trends in the world of fast food restaurants closely.” “Make along with us.” “This is like a stupid cooking show.” “We’re bringing restaurants together. We’re like the Montel Williams of fast-food restaurants.”

 

GMM 310: L “We want to declare hashtag war against ‘Good Morning Memphis’ and ‘Good Morning Maryland’ to get the hashtag all to ourselves.”

R “We are good at writing jingles! It will be so catchy! Everyone will be singing it!” L “Come on, Maryland. Come on, Memphis. Work it! We can do this! You can lose this war. It’s good for everybody.”

GMMore: R “I will pay one thousand dollars out of my own personal money to have someone do a brain scan, a live brain scan of Link while we feed him different questions and, like, introduce different things to him and just see what’s going on because-”

GMM 311: R “First of all, thank you, Mythical Beasts. You are quite a herd. You are quite an army.” “They’re so good at fighting!” “You know, you can only date other anchors when you’re an anchor. That’s the anchor rule.”

GMMore: L “Sometimes, I’ve been woken up by my mouth opening.”

R - “Teeth are the hair of your mouth.”  (put that on a t-shirt)

GMM 312: R "Yeah, if your butt itches in public, just go 'Help!', maybe somebody'll come up and scratch it for ya." 

GMMore: R "As much stuff as you've spit out on this show, I get to spit out one thing a year." 

L "I love Hawaii, I love everything about Hawaii."

GMM 313: L “That would be awesome to get a haircut or shave via YouTube.”

GMMore: L “A, r, m, s. That’s what it should be. ARMS.”

R, then both: “We should start ARMS videos.”

R “Is it morally wrong for a robot to give a man a scalp massage if he has a wife. Put that in your ethics class next exam, ethics professors.”

 

GMM 314: R “I love staircases to nowhere.” L “Scarestases.” R “Yeah. Scarestases to nowhere.”

R “Hey, I’m Rhett! Hey, man! My name’s Rhett! We should hang out! I live in a haunted house, but in October, I won’t be there.”

GMMore: L “Like, I went and took my garbage out at night one time. My whole family was in the house and I still felt the need to run back in the house because in my mind, I was like, ‘there’s somebody out here lurking.’” “But you instinctively want to mate with a ghost is what I think you’re getting at. Animals like to mate with ghosts. That’s our working theory.”

GMM 315: R “It’s like I’ve bitten the toe of Satan.”

GMM 316: Llon: “I didn’t mean to touch your bicep.” Redd: “Please don’t ever do that ever again.”

Llon: “You may know us from our second album, ‘Saddle Soarin',’ which went multi-platinum and by that I mean that we made it out of many layers of platinum. That was a little joke, we sold it out of the trunk of my car.” “If I ride you, then I can take you home.”

GMM 317: L “We’re also very hot, so we just don’t get spooky for anybody. Only for you do we get this hot in suits.”

R “Purple banana.”

GMMore: L “What’s up with my head having to go into everything?” “Did we keep the pumpkin seeds?” “Another fun fact: dolphins build nests out of grocery bags.” “They weave them like cross stitch.” “I believe in the dolphins.”

R “I like a good Jack-O-Lantern you can get a good grip on.”

GMM 318: R “‘Hashtag (#) GMM shall now and forevermore mean-” Both: “GOOD MYTHICAL MORNING.’”

GMMore: R “The first thing I thought was, ‘Should I call Link’?”

GMM 319 (mislabeled as #320): R “You need to find a woman who will love you through a bomb threat.” (singing->) “I’m gonna love you through this glass like it’s not even there. In fact, I’m gonna kiss you through this glass.”

L “He’s not an idiotic guy, he’s just a guy.” “I’m gonna love you through the glass.” “Why was it so easy for you to recover from that? Because that was traumatic for me.”

R “You need to find a woman who will love you through a bomb threat.” “It’s not a bomb threat, it’s a bomb hoax.” “I did too and I regret it everyday, (laughs), because I was young and the things that I said was very truthful, but it was so over the top and sappy, and very much like a 22 year old’s idea of what marriage was gonna be, and now as a 36 year old, I’m like I should have done the classic vows. Just do the classic vows.”

GMMore: L “That was the most traumatic thing I have ever contributed to creatively.” “...I do not have a wedding video.”

R “That was awesome, man... So that was cool.”

GMM 320: L “I like any website that the top of the website says the name of the website, including ‘.com’ again.” “What is ‘Doom music’ if that’s not even it?”

GMMore: R “That was the best wheel ending ever!” “I’m accessible to all computers.” “We’re not old, we’re just amazing my talking on video games and videos on computers.”

L “You’re greasy in a number of places.” “Computers would come to me and I would go on sites on them.”

GMM 321: L “We ate food out of a toilet and paid for it.” “Now, there’s plenty of restaurants that-, in the world. See you tomorrow!”

R “...I actually am appetized by the idea of eating out of a commode.” 

GMM 322: R “We called my kids, ‘boy’, for the first year until we had decided on a name.” “‘Dangford McLaughlin’ doesn’t sound bad.” L “Yes it does. It’s got ‘dang’ as part of it.”

L “My advice is always, first of all, consider your last name being their first name.” R “Neal Neal, that would have been cool.” (singing->) “Felt like feeding a horse and it was nasty.

GMMore: L “I mean, when you have three kids, it doesn’t matter what you call them. You can just go nuts. It doesn’t matter.” “He doesn’t hate me. He doesn’t know any different. He thinks every other person’s names’ ‘Lando’ so it’s (can’t make this part out).” “And Lando means ‘that black guy from Star Wars’ so maybe he’ll be that one day.”

GMM 323: L “Rhett, I like you as a person, but I do not like your choice of shirt.”

R “I wanna hunt for that treasure in the Rocky Mountains that we’ve talked about. I would like to learn how to become a master cheese maker. I would like to be a mayor of a very small town at some point. I would like to live on an island by myself.. where I am trained in hand to hand combat and then when I come back I am a superhero for hire...I would like to live inside a hollowed out tree at some point and then I would like to die while performing amazing stunts at a monster truck rally late in life.... I would also like to do intense research on renewable energy sources…” “And I would like you to be a butter maker and we can go in 50/50 and I’ll make the cheese and you make the butter. it’ll be called ‘Rhett and Link’s Dairy Farm.’” “You’re the motor on my paddleboard, buddy.”

GMMore: R “I am very serious about making cheese.” “I am very serious about learning how to get to do hand to hand combat, but I do not want to be a superhero, really.”

GMM 324: R “Well, my nose is actually a subdermal implant. A lot of people don’t know this. It’s just made to look like a nose.” “Is there an eyeball floating in your eyeball?” (rewording & making fun of L: “I’m always thinking about women with corsets and I’m always thinking about getting my piercings snagged...on those corsets.”)

L “I’m always worried about getting piercings snagged on things, piercings I don’t have.”

GMMore: L “Life or death? Sure!”

R “I could probably actually eat your bicep without vomiting.”

GMM 325: L “As many of you know, I hope all of you know this, Rhett, I hope you know this too, I am a family man. I got a wife, I’ve got three children, and I’m a family man. I try to do things to corral all of us in a family atmosphere that betters us as people.” “I actually have a mini-van. I just need it. I mean, I don’t know how to live without it, unapologetically.”

GMMore: L “Have you ever taken your kids anywhere and it’d been a total fail?” R “No.”

 

GMM 326: L “‘Or I’m just gonna sleep.’ I say that a lot on the weekend. Sometimes I question whether I’m depressed because of it. Let’s not go into that. I like to nap a lot. I mean, get off my back. Just leave me be, okay? I’m fighting off a cold or something.” “I’m gonna end all of my reasons with, ‘Hello!’”

R “I buy jewelry for my wife every Wednesday. I call it ‘Jewelry Wednesday.’ That’s what it is in our house.”

R “If you didn’t have Wednesday, you wouldn’t have Santa.” L “That’s a stretch.”

L “Whipped Cream Wednesday!”

GMMore: L “You know what in college what I would put on my waffles.” R “Peanut butter.” L “Peanut butter and still syrup.”

GMM 327: R “To me, if you’re gonna shoot anything out of an orifice of your body, you should be in the bathroom.” L “I heard ya the first time!”

GMMore: L “Balls to the wall.” R “Yeah, that’s your motto. Ping pong balls to the wall.”

GMM 328: L “Is that you or one of the kids?” Both: “It’s broccoli!”

GMMore: R “What do I always say about broccoli? Never what?” L “Never turn down an opportunity to eat raw broccoli.” R “I’ve said it for twenty years and you may think I’m crazy, but I’ve said it because it’s so good for you! Broccoli is so good for you that I made a decision a long time ago that if I’m in a buffet, if I’m at a salad bar, if I’m at some place and they have broccoli raw, I’m always going to eat some of it because you should never pass up an opportunity to eat raw broccoli...”

L “That’s what you get, okay? For sticking around. Okay?”

GMM 329: R “Would you do this with Christy?” L “Not in public.”

L “I know what I’m doing soon.” "Dost thousest want my shoe-i-o?"

GMMore: L "I think I've discovered a hidden talent: finger-jousting."

GMM 330: R “And not just that, you gotta see it in IMAX 3D.” “I didn’t tell you this, I been doing this. There’s an exclusive channel on YouTube which is just my half of the show. It says, ‘GMM Rhett.’ Everything you say is bleeped out and it’s just empty space and that’s for people who just want my part of the show.”

L “And not only that, you gotta (R&L speaking at same-ish time. R following along w/ L’s words->) see it with your wife because if you don’t see it with your wife, then she’s gonna be like, ‘why did you see this without me because it could had been this special thing (R - for us). We could have grown closer, but instead, here you are watching Gravity without me. I want a divorce.’” R “That’s exactly what happened.”

*No separate GMMore because they decided to put it in the main episode!

L “And we are the (R joins in unison, following L’s words->) Double Trouble Shooters and we dug up the pipes and found out that the pipes are not new, so Jessie, you know we’re coming for you and we have weapons.” R (& L follows) “And we’re not just anchors, we’re/enforcers and we have been given authority from the news station and local police department to shoot you in the gut/face.”

GMM 331: L “We don’t look stupid independently, but if you comb---there’s no combination of the two of us that doesn’t look like a total idiot.” “I’m kinda scarred.”

GMMore: L “I could open a hair salon. I think that’s my back-up plan at this point.”

GMM 332: L “Carve out a good chunk of time in order to take it to the max. You don’t want to be rushed when taking it there.”

R “You’re trying to tell me I got a booger?” L “Yep.” R “Why didn’t you just say it?” L “Because I’m always lookin’ for an opportunity to use the phrase, ‘nose necklace.’”

GMMore: L “We decided to bring the Mythical Mail Boulder up here just to give you a closer look to give you, um, just to get you, lathered up to wanting to, uh, mail us some stuff. Work you into a lather here. That’s a phrase.”

R “It shows the history, the geological history of this show, Link.”

GMM 333: (The Constitution of the Republic of Cheesistan.)

R “We won’t kill ya or anything..”

L  “..unless you’re stupid.”

GMM 334: L “I didn’t know you were in the market for a camouflaged creature.” R “The kids would love it. I could tell them I’ve got a camouflaged animal and then not have it.”

R “It has been definitively concluded by the scientific community that the cuttlefish is magic.” “Last but not loser.”

GMMore: R “What happened to my hands?” “I used to call dove. I would do the morning dove sound with my [whistle through cupped hands] and then I would shoot ‘em with a BB gun. I would shoot the symbol of peace with my BB gun.”

L “I’m afraid of every sea creature.”

 

GMM 335: L “Human plinko. That’s what they should call it.” “Push off, daddy!” “You finally felt like an eight year-old girl. You’ve arrived.”

R “I should have been kicked out of the place, but I wasn’t.” “It was a great family trip. I highly recommend it if you like to risk life and limb with your family, this is a good thing to do and I think we should do an office outing. All of us should go-” L “And have an eight year-old girl birthday party, like it can be princess themed!”

GMM 336: L “Today could change your life. Why? Because you’re a liar!”

GMMore: R “I think that every person should have the ability to lie because sometimes you need to lie.” “If we start getting secret knowledge, I’m not going to be your buddy anymore.”

L “That would be hurtful if it didn’t sound so stupid."

 

GMM 337: R “Doug-Bill. Seems like a play-on-words. I like it.”

 

GMM 338: R “You need to go like outside and just like throw something at something and something wonderful will happen.”

GMMore: L “Was this like to wipe your butt with in the apocalypse or something?”

 

GMM 339: R “Athlete’s Foot could turn into Athlete’s Apocalypse.” "We get t-shirts, we print 'em for most of the world's population and they read, 'There is a fungus among us.'" “The solution starts with me and you, buddy. It’s time we got snipped.”

R "You know how Billy...Mayes is known for his beard? I'm known for my invisible model." L "I'm gonna take you to the doctor now."

GMM 340: R "Now, I am your friend, if not your best friend, right?" L "Yes, Rhett, you're my best friend." R "You're my best friend, too, Link." (Mythical Lucy - @LucyHowlter)

R “ I didn’t want to splurge too much because you gotta pay me back for this stuff.” “I also got this, an axe, so I can two-fist the zombies, double-fist the zombies.” "Paying for survival? Does it matter? Do you look at the prices?"

L “You just like to buy stuff!" "Well, thank you, Rhett. What’s my total?”

 

GMM 341: R “You would see my Glabella if it weren’t for my flagella.”

L "Rhett and Link present the smell of the rain: Petrichor." 

L “If you go to Dysania-" R "especially when you spend a-" L "-night in Dysania, you wake up with Dysania.”

 

GMM 342: R “You gotta grab hold of the nuggets and never let go.”

GMMore: "New from Frito-Lays: 'Rat Feces." (first R, then both) 

 

GMM 343: R “Sometimes, just to know that you’re human in the modern world, you’ve gotta just eat something that’s made out of yoga mats, just to know that you’re alive.”

 

GMM 344: L “If you miss a dead relative, you should move to Portugal.”

L "Ok, I have to get to this poop-log now." R "That's not the first time I've heard that."

R "Send us some pictures of your poop-logs!"

 

GMM 345: R “In fact, if I could somehow grab hold of the feeling that is happening between you and us right now, I would take it and I would whip Link with it and suddenly there would be...” (stops and cracks up laughing) “Boy time. We call that boy time at my house.”

L “Analogies fall apart all the time, but they usually don’t fall apart so violently!”

 

GMM 346: R "I like to watch you eat." "..because I never have my fish eggs without oranges."

L “My palette deems this strange.”

 

GMM 347: L "Giving a pet as a present is a very dangerous thing for everybody involved. A fish isn't a pet, everybody knows that. It's like cheerleading is not a sport." "What's Christmas without a concussion?""Nothing worse than a chunky gingerbread woman."

 

GMM 348: L “... and we’re not really parents.” R “Right, this is all an act.”

L “I don’t know if I’ve ever been this proud in my entire life, and not just of the handwriting, of the content. It’s pretty awesome.”

GMMore: L "It's like a bad ride on Santa's lap." "I also feel like I should have signed a waiver before doing that." 

R (singing to the tune of "Smoke on the Water") "Turds on the water, peeing in the sky." 

GMM 349: R "Santa isn't real. He's a fictional character."

GMMore: L "It could be Cockatrice turds." R "So, it's chocolate?"

 

GMM 350: R “It’s good luck to put mustard on your shoulders.”

GMMore: L “Now, it’s burning. Is that normal?” “Sweet Baby Ray’s and mustard is not an exfoliate.”

R “Yeah, that means that hair is beginning to sprout.” “That’s I do every day.”

GMM 351: R “I could smell his breath. It was sweet.”

L “That’s it. I met a shadow of Merle Haggard.” “It’s like meeting a wax figure in the dark.”

 

GMM 352: R “When you work on a human, call me.” “You wife’s gonna love it.... but just for a little bit just to picture you as a teenage boy.” “This, I gotta say, is one of my favorite ever gifts that we have ever received.” (talking about a coffee that was personally made for them)

L “Who gives used underwear?” “I stuff underwear every morning, by the way, with myself.” “She likes this manliness, man.”

GMMore: R “The new name of this episode is ‘Snorting Coffee with Chuck Testa!’” “Doing lines of coffee.” “The BBBB sauce: You guess what the other B is.”

 

GMM 353: L “I don’t have any back hair, for the record.” “The devil’s coming out.” (to R:) “You’re like a devil woman! I want to punch him. I want to punch you. I want to punch both of y’all!”

R “You’re not going to fry me, are you? She’s going to fry me!”

SEASON FIVE

GMM 354: L “I like to begin every January season with a beard and a vest, just like we did last year.” 

R "I look you in the eyes, I don't look you in the mouth." “I grow a beard to give the illusion that I have a chin.” “Call it the ‘Goozle blanket.’”

GMM 355: L “I don’t have enough confidence in myself to even resolve anything anymore.” “I like how we’re applying logic to this stupidity.” “If a seventh grader comes up to you and gives you something, just immediately think, ‘I should regift this to Rhett and Link.’”

R “I was going to say something about intention without follow through is like throwing nothing.” “‘Please the past you.’ That’s my motivational thing for the year.”

GMM 356: L “Just chill out, this is going to be fine. No need to get anxious. Don’t WIG OUT on us.” “Sometimes I open my mouth in order to make myself fall asleep. I’ve got it down to that much of a science.” “From now on, I am going to, when my wife wakes me up and she’s having a panic attack, I’m going to shoot her with rubber bands.”

R: “You incited anxiety into me.” “When your mouth opens, I know that’s when you’re not faking anymore, like pssh, and that’s when I start to getting strangers to put things in there.”

GMMore: L “Some wheel endings are better than others.” “There are no wrong wheel endings.” “It’s like we both turn into jerks on planes.” “But more information is not necessarily less anxiety, it’s just more specific anxiety.” “What planet do you suck on a dent?” “Really big guy, huge mouth!” “Watch it with your ears.” “That was a nice little laugh.”

R “Are you asking for volunteers to suck on it, to push it, pull it out?” “We’re going to have a guy come and suck this dent out.”

GMM 357: L “You’re a guessing fool, man!” “Well you still win, but you did it in a way that sucked.”

R “I’m the best American.”

GMMore: L “We’re Americans. We don’t need reasons for the things we do.”

 

GMM 358: R “...me and you think the Segway is the most entertaining thing on earth!”

L “No one rides a Segway and doesn’t look stupid, but no one rides a Segway and then says, ‘this is stupid.’” R “It is the most fun you can have while on two wheels.” L “While leaning.” R “With a helmet.”

GMMore: L “How do we become an auctioneer? I’m interested in things like that. You know, speaking fast.” “We’re so childish sometimes.”

R “I don’t care about ethics, I just wanna talk like an auctioneer!” L “Ethical dilemmas left and right when you’re speaking 90 miles an hour.”

L “You think I’m a good drawer?” R “I think you’re an above average drawer, yeah.” L “Thanks, man.”

L “I think you’re an above average inventor.” R “I really think I can invent some crazy stuff.”

 

GMM 359: R “I think this show has enough beard on this side.” “...if you shave your beard and I trim my beard at the same time, the beard gods will be upset with us and you might break something today.”

L “I live economics, man.” “It’s got the consistency of meat fabric.”

R “If you can’t get real bacon, don’t imitate it with a turkey and don't imitate it with a vegetable. Just go to no bacon.”

GMMore: L “Vegan bacon, the fabric of our lives.”

R “You know how a microwave works, right?” L “Nope. I don’t want to ruin the magic so don’t tell me.”

GMM 360: L (singing) “Waiting for the bus, making a little arm music.” “Couldn’t have been me, man. I just been here lighting fires."

GMM 361: R “Trying to get on Mars and trying to get on The Bachelor are very similar.” I’m part of the green kingdom!” “Ready to get that green kingdom going!”

GMMore: L “I have trust issues.” “I’m a good drawer.”

R (reading) “‘You are open and tolerant to ideas and approaches different from your own.’ Questionable.”

 

GMM 362: R “You owe me fifty dollars, but I’ll accept that in BitCoin, FeatherCoin, LiteCoin, or Coinye West.” L “LTAT.” (meaning: “Let’s talk about that”)

L “Got lots of connection. We feed people.” “I dare you not to be amazed.”

GMMore: L “My brain has been working so hard in this episode, I’m just flat out sleepy right now!” R “Really?” L “Yeah, it’s like, you’ve just put me to sleep in this episode!”

 

GMM 363: R “I just imagine the conversation with the barber. ‘No, I actually want my hair to be a hat.’”

L “I’d love to comment on this guy’s hairstyle, but I can’t see it because of the cat turds.”

GMMore: R “...you cannot have a hairstyle for more than thirty-six months. It’s just cannot do that. As a human, you should not do that.” L “I feel locked in because of our logo.”

R “I think you could do the buzzcut.” L “It could stand up. My hair stood up in the past.”

R “My wife wants me to go shaved on the sides.”

 

GMM 364: R “We should teach a class on singing backwards for children. We would become billionaires.” “We go around to homeschoolers’ homes. ‘Hey, mom! Hey, dad! We’re here to teach your kids how to sing backwards. Give us a billion dollars.’ We’re called ‘The Backwards Boys.’” “Yeah, when you do something like the Red House commercial, we should call it ‘adgertising.’” “Business man and the boy dot com!” “You should great about that! You’re relatable! You’re like a five year old.”

R “That’s what we could be called.” L “The cool guys who adgertise.” R “The cool adgertising guys teach you how to sing backwards kids dot com.”

L “I love these kids!”

GMMore: L “I think that the assumption may be that you think that the kids, our kids watch our videos.” R “Or our wives, for that matter. Sadly, no, that’s not the case.”

L “You know how babies don’t have a lot of detail. That was my joke. Went really deep.”

R “My grandmother told my parents that I look like a rodent the first time she saw me. She did. She was like, ‘looks like a rat.’ Spit her snuff out.”

 

GMM 365: R “I love my purple v-neck.” L “A lot of collar going on over here! You’re welcome.”

L “You gotta put your shirt where your mouth is, or your blouse, or whatever-.” R “Put your mouth where your blouse is.”

L “The sock knows where it wants to goes.” R “Trust the sock maker!”

GMMore: L “I don’t touch your hair often but when I do, my hand gets greasy.” “First ever slow fade in a ‘Good Mythical More.’”

R “Seriously, this is over the top. People judge because of this. I’m discriminated against because of my hair and people think that I care too much about myself. I’ve experienced that quite a few times. I just say, ‘listen, man. It’s in a logo. What can I do.’”

GMM 366: L “Locknessasaurus.”

R “The bigger the hump, (pauses) the more the mating happens.”

GMMore: R “This is literally translated, ‘horned demon from the river of death.’”

L “What my wife calls me sometimes.” (raps)

GMM 367: R “Tell Sam Rockwell that. ‘Altitoots,’ a new movie from Rhett & Link. Farting in the mountain.”

L “Where else can you go and it’s expected that you’re gonna be farting up a storm. Nowhere but Park City. Tourism department.”

GMMore: L “Your hair’s fine, okay?” R “Alright, thanks. It’s better than fine.”

L “I’m a Chili Peppers fan from way back.” “I’ve fangirled over Flea a little bit over the years as, like, done a little research so I know that this is like one of the most tender-hearted individuals on the planet. I’d love to meet him, cry with him about something. He seems like a guy who can cry at anything.” “So, Flea, if you’re out there, I’d love to meet you. I mean, I’ll even drive to Malibu, and I admire your tender-heartedness and I’d love to cry with you while listening to your albums on vinyl because that would be awesome.”

GMM 368: R “Nicolas Sparks. I will cry in a heartbeat. I mean, I don’t need to fake it.  I’m gonna cry. ‘The Notebook’? I, like, lost a pound watching that movie.”

GMMore: L “Just channel your inner spoiled woman.”

 

GMM 369: L “What about a car powered by compressed air?” R “Farts?”

GMMore: L “‘Good Mythical More’ is better if you make it better.”

R “Everytime you poop, you’ll be turning on a lightbulb.” “Dog power, the future.”