My take at a Forest Patrol Script...

Wanted to do some script writing for my daily word count a few days back and was inspired by Forest Patrol (which, I ADORE, BTW). Hopefully the guys will see this; I may do more in the future and would LOVE to do some for Rhett and Link (of course). Without Further Ado....

Forest Patrol, Ep. ???

Flarigated Phoenix Fern

Written by: Brannon Hollingsworth, July 2013

 

Scene 1

Gus and Russell are in the remnants of what could have been a camp, or possibly a camp-store – we’re not really sure, because all we can see are the burnt-out husks of buildings, smoldering skeletons of tents, etc. The whole landscape is charred and burnt and still smoking in places. Gus and Russell are blasting areas with FIRE EXTINGUISHERS. Gus is barefooted and his feet and lower legs looks like they’ve recently been burnt.

 

Russell

“Pshew-doggey, that sure was a bad fire!”

 

Gus

“Yea, I guess next time, I shouldn’t wear my wool socks when performin' an Aboriginal*** fire walk.”

 

Russell

"Yea, but at least the Triple-Great Garlic-Gnome-Burgers were done! I had four, they were so tasty and delici-"

 

SFX: Revealing Chimes/Xylophone Sound (i.e. Cartoon-XyloRiser http://www.soundboard.com/mediafiles/NjAxOTYzNjcwNjAxOTk1_5cBOUzL_2...)

Out of the ashes at Russell's feet springs forth, fully formed, a gloriously beautiful fiery red fern. The fern looks like a cross between a fern and bird feathers, but as a whole, it has heavy overtones of fire and looks like something that could have come from a phoenix. Russeell LOCKS HIS EYES ON THE FERN

 

Russell

(Does a little hop in surprise and cries)

“Jimmy Jon Jamberpants! Look Gus, I don’t believe it!”

 

Gus

(glances over and is unimpressed).

“That’s one ugly bug. If my piggies weren’t so cripsy***, I’d stomp it.”

 

JUMP CUT To Gus' tosted foot with his crispy, blackened toes. He wiggles them slightly, they crackle and crack.

 

Russell

"No Gus! It ain't a bug! That's a Flarigated Phoenix Fern! One of the rarest known plants in the whole wide world..."

 

Gus

(cocks eyebrow)

"A whaa?"

 

Russell

(exasperated)

"A Flarigated Phoenix Fern! It's said that they're only born from the ashes of a fire wherein something evil has been destroyed-"

 

JUMP CUT to Gus frowning and looking down at his toes.

 

Russell

(continuing)

"-and that they only live so long as someone continues looking at them!"

 

Gus

(chuckling)

"I bet that makes reproduction*** kinda problematic..."

 

Russell

(Without looking at him, Russell hands his tablet to Gus)

"Here Gus, take my tabl-o-matic and look up the Flarigated Phoneix Fern so we can figure out what to do next!"

 

Gus

(Takes the tablet and looks down at the it like it's radioactive or something...)

 

Cut to CLOSE UP of Gus' face, he arches an eyebrow

"Uhhh....Ooooo....Kaaay..."

 

CUT TO TITLE SEQUENCE

 

Scene 2

 

Gus

"Russell, what in tarnation am I suppossed to do wit' this?"

 

Russell

(still focused on the FERN, which is doing...suprisingly...nothing)

"You need to look up the Flarigated Phoenix Fern and tell me what I should do...this is un-precendented!"

 

Gus

"I don't care nuthin' about this fangledy device or the President!"

(aside)

"I didn't vote for him anyway...either time..."

 

Russell

"No, no, Gus! You gotta use the contextual search feature in the Scrimshaw Canyon National Park Guidebook and look up this fern - hurry!"

 

Gus

(holding the tablet at arm's length like it's a baby with a full diaper)

"I'm tellin' ya, I don't know nuthin' about this thing at all! Tarnation! What'dya think you're here for, anyway?"

 

CLOSE UP on Russell

(thoughfully)

"Well, then what are you here for, Gus?"

 

Gus

"Heh...heh...you know, REAL MAN stuffs!"

 

Russell

"Huh?"

 

Gus

"You know, stuff that'a real man needs to do! Like choppin' down pesky Chornwood Trees-"

 

JUMP CUT to a stylized "Hero" version of Gus with a shining battle axe, chopping down entire swathes of thorny, horn-covered trees with dragon-like leaf-faces.

 

Gus

(continuing)

"-and wrastlin' murderin', maraudin' Armagators-"

 

JUMP CUT to the stylized "Hero" version of Gus wrestling barehanded in a swamp with two giant armored creatures that look like a cross between an armadillo and alligator while kayakers/canoers cheer nearby.

 

Gus

(continuing)

"-and protectin' camps from the deadly an' fearsome Beartle!"

 

JUMP CUT to the stylized "Hero" version of Gus wielding nothing but a garbage can lid as a shield fights a massive creature that is a horrendous cross of a beetle and a bear. Piles of garbage cans lay rended to shreds nearby and bits of garbage hang from the Beartle's maw.

 

Russell

(looking confused)

"Uh...uh...okay. But now you need to help me with this and we might not have much time. You need to hurry!"

 

Gus

"Oh, alright! How in tarnation does this fangledy thing work?"

 

JUMP CUT to Gus accidentally hitting the "SEARCH" button on the tablet. On the screen, the Scrimshaw Canyon National Park Guidebook vanishes and a search engine: "QOOGLE" appears.

 

Russell

"Just talk to it. It's a voice-activated contextual search. Tell it what you want."

 

Gus

"Zat it? Shoot, I should be an expert then, I'm good at tellin' what I want-"

 

(OFF) Russell

"Mmm-Hhmmm."

 

Gus pulls the tablet close to his mouth (like he does to Russell all the time) and talks to it.

"Okay, fangledy 'puter, lissen up. I wanna do a consensual search on a red frilly funny fern."

 

JUMP CUT to Tablet, where Qoogle displays the search results. The most prominent result is a flashing book cover with a "READ ME" button beneath it. The book title is: 50 TONES OF RED. Gus taps the button.

 

Gus

"Heh...heh...I got it, little buddy!"

 

Russell

(excited)

"Good, tell me what it says. What do I need to do now?"

 

Gus

(Reading)

"Lemme see...murphble murrble graubble, A-HA! Here we go! '"Gaze deeply into my eyes", she breathed breathlessly."'"

 

Russell

(confused)

"Hurh? It's a fern, it don't have no eyes..."

 

Gus

(Still Reading, but adding more emphasis)

"'"I said, gaze deeply into my eyes. I need you to need me...to see me. Not just to look at me, but to SEE me. The REAL me."

 

Russell

(Still confused)

"Uh...okay..."

 

Camera moves slowly in closer to Russell's face; then QUICK JUMPS to Russell's POV; and we have a slow camera move in on the fern, which sits there, swaying slighly in the breeze.

 

Gus

(Still Reading)

CUT to the FERN as Gus continues to read

"'"Can you see me, Shawn?-"

 

Russell

"My name's Russell..."

 

Gus

(continuing, getting drawn in to the book)

CUT to the FERN as Gus continues to read

"'"Can you see the REAL ME? Do you love me? NO! Don't answer that! Do you WANT me?"'"

 

Russell

"Whaaaa?"

 

Gus

(continuing, getting even more drawn in to the book)

CUT to the FERN as Gus continues to read

"'"Answer me, Shawn! Do you want me to be with you forever? Or do you want me to leave?"'"

 

Russell

(eyes widening)

"NO!! Don't leave! I want...you..."

 

Gus

(continuing, getting even more drawn in to the book)

CUT to the FERN as Gus continues to read

"'"Say it, Shawn! Say it! I want to hear it in your voice..."'"

 

Russell

(with more meaning, getting caught up in the moment)

"I want you to stay, please don't leave little fern!"

 

Gus

(continuing, getting even more drawn in to the book)

CUT to the FERN as Gus continues to read

"'"Oh, Shawn! Take me in your arms! Hold me!"'"

 

Russell

(blinks, but then does as he's told, moving and taking the FERN gently in his arms.)

"S..stay, little fern!"

 

The FERN seems to respond, caressing Russell gently on the cheek.

 

Gus

(continuing, getting even more drawn in to the book)

CUT to the FERN as Gus continues to read

"'"Yes, Shawn! Kiss me you fool! KISS ME!"'"

 

Russell, not even questioning any more, he closes his eyes and draws in close for the KISS.

 

Gus catches his breath, totally caught up in the scene, his EYES open wide.

 

The GARLIC begins to float from Russell's mouth like a sickly green fog.

 

The FERN seems to sense the GARLIC and shivers, pulling away slightly in DREAD.

 

Russell gets ever closer, the GARLIC moving ahead of him like a deadly plague.

 

Gus' EYES widen even more, his MOUTH gaping.

 

The GARLIC touches the FERN and INSTANTLY the FERN turns BLACK, killed by the GARLIC.

 

Russell

(screams)

"Nnnnnnooooooo!!!"

 

Gus

(chuckling)

"Guess them Triple-Great Garlic-Gnome-Burgers were a little too much for lil' Miss Ferny."

 

CUT to END TITLE

 

Scene 3

 

Gus and Russell are standing over the quickly-decomposing form of the Flarigated Phoenix Fern. Gus is pecking absentmindedly on the tablet while Russell is crying softly, face hidden in his hands. The FIRE EXTINGUISHERS are at their feet.

 

Gus

"Look, lil' buddy, I was just kiddin'. I ain't gonna tell the other rangers about your titanic*** Fern-killin' breath."

 

Russell

(sniffing)

"Really?"

 

Gus

"Naw. I mean, comon. Look at it on th' bright side. Maybe we could bottle yer horrible breath and use it as a weed killer-"

 

Russell

(brightening, jumping in the coversation. motioning to the DEAD FERN)

"Yea! It sure did the job here, didn't it?"

 

Gus

"Yup. We could get you to breath into these-"

(Gus kicks the FIRE EXTINGUISHER next to him)

 

Russell

(talking over Gus, thinking, tapping his chin)

"And we could pressurize it, but we'd need to-"

 

Gus

(talking over Russell, tugging on his beard in thought)

"We'd need a good, catchy name for it if it's gonna sell."

 

Russell

(talking over Gus, looks OFF LEFT)

"-and test it on that pesky big ol' patch of Ramboo we've been tryin' to kill."

 

Gus

(talking over Russell, scratches absentmindedly as he thinks)

"Garlix? Naw, too high-tech soundin'. RUS-IL-TOSIS? Hurm...I like it, but no-one would know what it means but m-"

 

Russell

(talking over Gus, raising his arms in excitement)

"If it can kill Ramboo, then it'll be able to kill just about anything!"

 

PAUSE for a BEAT while Russell's words sink in.

 

Gus

"I wonder if we could weaponize it..."

 

FIN.

 

###

 

Gus' Alternative Pernounciation Guide

These words tie to the words in the script above that have three asterisks next to them (***), they are merely some suggestions about words that Gus should mispronounce (as he seems to have a habit of doing so)...

 

Scene 1

"Aboriginal" - pronounced "ab-ORIGINAL" or "abs-are-original"

"cripsy" - pronounced just like it sounds, it means "crispy", of course.

"reproduction" - pronounced "RE-PUR-DUCTION" or simply followed with Gus' Heh...heh...heh laugh

 

Scene 3

"titanic" - pronounced "TIE-RAN-IC"