Raisins

So my friend wrote this, and i thought it was hilarious. Enjoy.


Please

Y U NO LIVE

REALLY

I MIGHT BRING PANCAKES MONDAY.

PANCAKES ARE GOOD

HERPADERP

I'M KINDA BORED

AND CAN'T SLEEP

SO CAPS LOCK STAYS ON

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS SUPPOSED TO KEEP YOU AWAKE

RIGHT

OF COURSE

YOU'RE GPING TO COME BACK TO AN ENTIRE CONVERSATION IN CAPS LOCK

AND YOU'LL BE SAD YOU MISSED IT

BECAUSE IT WAS WAY BETTER THAN SLEEPING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK

AND TIRED

BUT I COULD BE DOING STUFF RIGHT NOW

STUFF THAT MATTERS

BUT I DON'T WANT TO DO STUFF

STUFF IS HARD

AND REQUIRES CONCENTRATION

AND MY BROTHER TO SAVE ME A SEAT ON A BUS FULL OF DIRTY LITTLE RABID CHILDREN

SERIOUSLY

FOR ONCE THE KID COULD BE USEFUL

LAST YEAR WAS AWFUL

THE CHILDREN STANK OF STALE LUNCHMEATS AND PLAYGROUND SWEAT

AND THIS FAT KID SAT NEXT TO ME AND HE KEPT TOUCHING ME

HE WAS TOUCHING ME

AND THEY KWPT SCREAMING

AND I CAN'T SPELL

SINCE IPOD KEYBOARDS ARE TOO SMALL FOR YELLING

BUT THE CHILDREN

AT LEAST THE OTHER NEIGHBOR'S KID IS RIDING NOW

I'M GONNA SIT BY HER AND EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE

YEAH RIGHT

WITH MY LUCK SHE'LL HAVE BEATEN UP SOME KID AND HAVE BEEN KICKED OFF THE BUS AND I'LL HAVE TO SIR

I MEANT SIT

AGAIN

IN THE MIDDLE OF A FAT SAMMICH OF CHILDREN

LOUD, DIRTY CHILDREN

WHO AS AFOREMENTIONED SMELL OF STALE LUNCHMEATS

AND A DRIVER WHO LIKES TO IRRITATE ME

I THINK HE IS IMMUNE TO CHILDREN

BUT I AM NOT

I AM NOT IMMUNE

THERE ARE TOO MANY CHILDREN

HE KNOWS THIS

BUT HE FORGETS I EXIST AND PUTS THE OVERFLOW IN MY SEAT

I'D JUST SIT ON THEM IF IT WERE LEGAL

BUT IT ISN'T

WHICH MAKES ME SAD

A SEAT MADE OF CHILDREN WOULD BE MORE COMFORTABLE THAN A CHILD SAMMICH

BUT IT WOULD STILL SMELL

FEBREEZE DOESN'T WORK

I TRIED

REALLY

THEY EXPLODED

EXPLODED CHILDREN SMELLS MORE LIKE WET HAMSTER

WHICH IS STILL NOT GOOD

THAT BUS DRIVER THOUGH

HE STOLE LIKE ALL OF MY JACKETS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

WHAT IS A 60 YEAR OLD MAN GOING TO DO WITH A SIZE SIX NEON PINK AND GREEN COAT

WEAR IT AROUND WALMART AS HE HITS ON A ZAMBONI

ILLOGICAL

THE BUS STOLE MY TUPPERWARE TOO

IT WAS ACTUAL TUPPERWARE

NOT RUBBERMAID

SO I AM ENTITLED TO SOME FORM OF RASPBERRY BLACKBERRY JELLY

PERHAPS ON TOAST

ONLY THEN WOULD MY ANIMOSITY TOWARDS THIS BUS BE QUELLED

BUT NOT THE MAN

OR THE CHILDREN

THEY ARE EVIL

LIKE COCKROACHES

THOSE ARE EVIL TOO

LOBSTERS ARE REALLY BIG COCKROACHES TOO

SO LOBSTERS ARE EVIL

BUT CRABS ARE GOOD

USUALLY

DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU GET THEM

BUT SQUID TASTES GOOD TOO

AND CALAMARI DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A BUG

AND DID I MENTION IT'S DELICIOUS

NUTELLA IS EVEN BETTER

NUTELLA IS BEST TOPPING

FOR EVERYTHING

INCLUDING NUTELLA

AND CELERY

CELERY IS GOOD

AND I'M HUNGRY

I HAVE A BAG OF OATMEAL BESIDE ME IN MY DRESSER

BUT I DON'T WANT OATMEAL RIGHT NOW

I DON'T HAVE ANY WATER TO WASH IT DOWN WITH

IT TASTES BETTER DRY

AND IN YOGHURT

ESPECIALLY BLUEBERRY

BUT GREEK YOGHURT TASTES THE BEST WITH IT

AND IN SMOOTHIES

BUT NOT WITH RAISINS IN COOKIES

THAT'S LIKE ASKING SOMEONE TO PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH

IT'S JUST WRONG

AND IT TASTES DISGUSTING

BUT JUST BAKING THE OATMEAL IS OKAY

DRY OF COURSE

BUT ADDING STUFF AND COOKIES IS JUST PLAIN EVIL

WHAT IF YOU WERE ALLERGIC TO RAISINS

AND YOU SAW IT FROM A DISTANCE AND THOUGHT

HEY

A CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE

OMNOMNOMNOM

AND THEN YOU DIE SND EVERYONE IS SAD AND STUFF

AND WHOEVER MADE THE COOKIE GOES TO JAIL FOR JUST BEING STUPID

BECAUSE THAT COOKIE IS A LIE

AND LIE COOKIES SHOULD BE A FEDERAL OFFENSE

PUNISHABLE BY HAVING TO EAT THOSE DISGUSTING COOKIES

ALL OF THWM

THEM

ALL

OF

THEM

WILD ANIMALS DON'T EAT OLD PEOPLE FOR A REASON

YOUNG PEOPLE TASTE BETTER

AND THE SAME APPLIES TO GRAPES AND THEIR DERIVATIVES

WHY WOULD WAIT FOR SOMETHING TO BE OLD AND WEINKLY BEFORE YOU EAT IT

GRAPES ARE MUCH BETTER

WHY WOULD YOU DEFILE SUCH AN INNOCENT FRUIT

IF YOU WAITED FOR AN APPLE TO SHRIVEL UP

PEOPLE WOULD GET MAD AT YOU AND TELL YOU TO THROW IT AWAY

WHY DOESN'T THAT PRINCIPLE APPLY TO RAISINS

I MEAN REALLY

WHO DECIDED THAT RAISINS WERE A GOOD IDEA

MAYBE SOMEONE A LONG TIME AGO WAS REALLY LAZY

AND DIDN'T WANT TO PICK THE GRAPES

AND SO WHEN HE PRESENTED GIS CROPS

AS EVIL LITTLE RAISINA

RAISINS

EVERYONE PLAYED ALONG TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIS FAILURE

AND THE TRADITION CONTINUES

AS NO ONE WANTS TO CLAIM RIGHTS AS HEIR TO THE RAISIN MAN

SO WE ALL JUST PLAY ALONG

EXECEPT

HE FAILED

AND RAISINS ARE REALLY DISGUSTING

SO PLAYING ALONG US STUPID

AND CHUCKING DEAD OLD GRAPES INTO COOKIES IS AS WELL

WOULD YOU PUT A GRAPE GRAPE INTO A COOKIE

I DIDN'T THINK SO

BECAUSE THAT WOULD TASTE GROSS

AND SO DO RAISINS

ALTHOUGH THE RAISIN HEIR WOULD HAVE A GIANT COMPANY

IT WOULD FALL APART IF HE REVEALED HIMSELF

BECAUSE EVERYBODY WOULD FINALLY BE ABLE TO RELEASE THEIR RAISIN FUELED HATRED AT GIM

HIM

AND THE RAISIN EMPIRE WOULD CRUMBLE UNDER THE MIGHT FOOTSTEPS OF THE GRAPE NATION

ARMED WITH FOONS

THEIR TAKEOVER WOULD BE COMPLETE AND RESULT IN A FULL MENTAL OVERHAUL

KEEPING THEIR ELDERS IN A PEACEFUL PLACE

AWAY FROM HUMAN MOUTHS

AND THEY ALL LIVED DECENTLY

YAY

G'NIGHT