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[ ˈkapətlˌizəm ] NOUN an economic and political system in which a country's trade, industry and means of production are largely or entirely controlled by private owners for profit, rather than by the state.
synonyms: free enterprise · private enterprise · the free market ·
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The ilk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island limited partnership secretly owned by the majority shareholder who then sell the rights to all seven cows back to you listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign then so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You re-engineer then so they live for 10 years, eat only once a month, and milk themselves.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Come to think of it, they look more like a pair of moose. In fact, yes, they are. One speaks French, one speaks English. One fights to create a new country, the other won’t let it. They both play ice hockey rather well.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have forty-two cows. You count then again and learn you have twelve cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge an outrageous fee to others for storing them.
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalist who reported the number of cows.
New Zealand Capitalism: You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute . . .