A Sportsman's Guide to Hunting

As weather improves, hunting season is starting in the forested areas where it is reasonable for hunting to occur. Keep this handy hourly guide to make sure you're getting the most out of your hunting experience:

4:30 a.m.: Wake up. Wait, that must be a typo. Four-thirty? Really?

6:00 a.m.: Arrive to wooded area where all those teenagers discovered delinquency.

6:12 a.m.: Nod off for a bit.

8:52 a.m.: Wake up with squirrel on chest. Exchange identical stares.

9:00 a.m.: Fashion a natural camouflage out of cooperative animals prepared to betray their own kind.

10:15 a.m.: The forest is quiet . . . too quiet.

11:00 a.m.: Rest your eyes for a while.

11:14 a.m.: BEARS!

11:15 a.m.: That was close. Better unpack and assemble your hunting rifle, just in case more dangers arise.

12:00 p.m.: Yank some plants out of the ground, just to make sure that something dies today.

12:45 p.m.: play Big Boss Buck Hunter on cell phone.

1:00 p.m.: Stare into middle distance for a while.

9:20 a.m. the following morning: Wake up again.

You have fallen prey to the most dangerous game of all—boredom.

Also, you are covered with ants.